


Blessed Glory, Flaming Hope

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, F/M, I know it sounds weird but bear with me, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Joan of Arc AU, Joan!Rey & Prince!Ben, Prophetic Visions, References to Depression, Slow Burn, ancient warfare, lots of mentions of christianity and God's will, the Force is God's will?, with horses and swords and such
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-05-02 03:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 48,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14535411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: It felt as if they were linked by an invisible thread... where she went, he followed.or, the Joan of Arc AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After reading a biography of Joan of Arc ( I'm a huge history nerd) I couldn't get the idea of Rey as Joan of Arc and Ben as wayward prince out of my head so here we are. Based partially on the real events, I'll try to update regularly.  
> English is not my first language but I try, I swear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time they met, there were very few who didn’t know his name: some feared him, some called him a traitor, some were still loyal to him.  
> When they first met, she was no one, she had apparently no place in the story of this kingdom about to fall, just a girl accompanied by some exalted peasants who claimed she was to be the spark of hope the kingdom needed.

The first time they met, he was almost a faithless man, wondering around the eastern border of the kingdom, away from the war, trying to find in himself the force to either cross into the German states or to ride up north and enact the last act of his betrayal, fighting on the English side. It was a thunderstorm of emotions in his soul, and it threatened to tear him apart, to just pry open the cracks that had always marked his soul as damaged.

The first time they met, he hadn’t been inside a church in years while wondering around with his knights, trying to keep them calm enough so that he could decide what to do - shred his soul to pieces hoping to find peace and death in war, or run away from it all with the protestants that began to gather in the free cities of Switzerland. But his knights were restless, war all around them, all most of them had ever known, and they were itching for a fight. He had not completely lost his faith, he doubted he ever truly could, although it was a painful thing, like everything else in his life, a sword thrust into his soul, another wound that sometimes bleed like hope and light and other times was only rage and darkness.

The first time they met, he was certain of three things. Firstly, he could not enter a church because he didn’t trust anyone who answered back to Rome, any of the priests and cardinals and monks and nuns that claimed the pope as their ruler and spiritual guide. The pope, _his uncle,_ the man who was supposed to train him, to tame the darkness in him, to finally _fix_ whatever was wrong with him, and who had _betrayed_ him, who tried to have him butchered inside the sacred walls of the Vatican. He had managed to escape that faithful night by the grace of whose saint he still didn’t know, utterly hopeless and lost; and like Nero he had left Rome, and hope, behind him and engulfed in flames. A part of him had died that night, there were moments in which he wished the whole of him had died, freeing him of the pain that never left his shoulders, his soul.

The second thing he was certain of was that he would never see his family again, not that he particularly wished to. Their betrayal angered him, hurt more than a thousand flesh wounds, and so did the memories of his past, the feeling of always being out of place, incapable of living up to the expectations placed on him, unwanted, utterly alone, always making the wrong choice no matter how hard he tried. He still remembered clearly how they used to talk about him as if he were a monster sometimes, an aberration, a broken thing, not their child; the notion had made him cry every night until they decided to wash their hands of him, shipping him to Rome where he was to meet his end, not the acceptance and understanding he had hoped for.

Thirdly, he was absolutely certain he was going to hell for his sins. There was to be no absolution for his crimes, and he had even stopped to care for it, for forgiveness. Patricide had reserved for him a place in one of the lowest circles of hell, no matter how much the deed had split his soul to the bone, how much he wished to go back in time and never confront his father in Marseille, where he had waited for him after his escape from Rome. He was his father, yes, but he had also always been so close to Luke, and he had been so full of rage, betrayal, pain… he had thought his own father was waiting for him to finish what his uncle had started. So he had defended himself, or so he thought, and now hell awaited him, although he didn’t care for it anymore.

The first time they met he was clothed all in black, the fabric thick and warm so to give him a sense of protection even without his heavy battle armour.

The first time they met, the king had issued, some months before, an order to bring him back to court so he could be put on trial - read imprisoned and killed - for his crimes; France had been at war with itself and England for almost twenty years, the English held the north but they were ready to seize the whole kingdom, and what remained of the French army was apparently incapable to stop them.

The first time they met, there were very few who didn’t know his name: some feared him, some called him a traitor, some were still loyal to him.

When they first met, she was no one, she had apparently no place in the story of this kingdom about to fall, just a girl accompanied by some exalted peasants who claimed she was to be the spark of hope the kingdom needed.

She wanted to speak to him, and he wandered how stupid she was, to know who he was, what he had done, and to still think that he might care about hope for a fallen kingdom that had broken him into a thousand pieces.

 _She has visions_ one of his knights informed him, without looking him in the eyes, fearful of the sudden rage that could turn him into the monster everyone had always feared. Rage never came, even though it should have, because there had been a time when faith was so strong in him he had had visions too; but Luke had claimed they were visions of darkness, and marked him as a monster at such a young age that he could become nothing but that in the end.

He agreed to meet her. She was probably a hungry charlatan looking for someone with pockets full of money to fall for her lies, but he was tired of the storm in his soul, and he needed a distraction from the painful thoughts in his mind.

She entered his tent dressed like a man, her hair tied in buns, clothing the light colour of sand and determination in her eyes. She walked with the certainty that only clear purpose could give a soul, a sword strapped to her side.

He studied her in silence, without moving away from his table where a map of France was neatly laid out. Her eyes were immediately attracted to it, to the red figures that represented the English forces, and the blue one for the French ones, a single black figure to represent him and his knights.

The girl advanced into his tent, the pool of light created by the torches keeping the darkness advancing with the sunset at bay. She studied him too, as if he was a curious creature, but he stood unmoved under her gaze.

‘Ben Solo, Prince of the Royal Blood’ she said, breaking the silence.

 _Not anymore_ , he almost replayed, but he remained silent, wanting to see where she would go to try and catch him in her net, to have him believe in her visions.

‘We’ve met before’ she added, moving towards him another step. Her gaze moved to the black armour, neatly polished, that rested in an angle of his tent. ‘The battle outside Orleans’

He remembered that battle. The king’s decree about his trial had been expected, but anger had took control of him anyway, and Ben had moved with his knights up north, wanting to help the English for the sole purpose of irritating his uncle, for he knew the inhabitants of the British islands to be outnumbered by their sheeps and heretics at heart, moving restlessly under the papacy. But at Orleans the French appeared in danger to perish of another massacre, another Azincourt, and he had recognised too many faces, too many had called his name from within the walls in hope for him to turn around. So he had fought for them, the city, the English retreating under his fire, but he had been gone too before dawn came along with it the reinforcements sent by the crown.

‘I thought you were sent by the devil, a monster in black armour, a black helmet covering your soulless eyes…’

Many had described him like that before, but he was too tired to just stay still and be accused by some lunatic peasant girl. Ben was about to send her away, but she continued before he could open his mouth to speak.

‘I was wrong. Dawn was almost upon the city, the English in retreat, and you removed your helmet. I saw a hope in your eyes, even though they appeared as pits of darkness, and the soul of a king, ready to lay down his life for his people.’

‘My cousin is king, and I am a traitor, you must have missed the news in the mist of such a battle, _girl_. Pray, exactly, where were you to study my face and soul so thoroughly that day?’

‘On the battlefield, with you, your men, and the garrison of Orleans’

He arched an eyebrow at her words.

‘I am a woman, _and_ a skilled fighter with a sword.’

Ben stayed silent again, studying her figure this time, without moving from his table. She did have the posture of a fighter, the sword she was carrying was clearly proportionate to her size and force.

‘Are you surprised, my prince?’

‘I’m not a prince, not anymore. And no, had you travelled further south like I have, you would know that warrior women are not as uncommon as they are in the christian kingdoms’

The girl appeared surprised by his words, but she regained her composure quickly.

‘I am Ray’

‘So I’ve been told’

‘I have come to you because you’re the only who can help me, who can understand the position I am in, what I need to do’ she said moving closer to the table where he was standing, looking almost uncertain.

‘If you know anything about me, you should have guessed by now that helping people is not my thing’

‘I disagree, your highness’

‘Again, not anymore’ he repeated, annoyed, but a smile pulled the sides of her lips. Was she teasing him?

‘I have visions of this war, finally ending. They are from God. His favour is with the people of France, the kingdom will be united and the English pushed back into their island’ there was fervour in her words, and he tried not to roll his eyes at that, but he must have looked annoyed.

‘I am to lead the French, to give them hope’

‘Well, good luck with that’

‘In every vision I have, we are side by side, fighting together’

’I will not…’

‘I know you understand, I know you believe, you had visions too’ she interrupted him moving closer. ‘I need you by my side, for France.’ There was no lie in her eyes, and they were now so close that Ben could see all the shades of gold in them. ‘I need you to escort me, I must speak to the king and the queen mother. This is our time to fight, and I saw the future, you will be redeemed’

Something cracked inside of him, under her gaze and her words; it left him surprised and full of rage, for he didn’t believe there was something intact still left in him, something that could still be broken and leave him bleeding and hurting, but here he was.

‘Get out’ he whispered, incapable of shouting like he wished.

‘We’ll fight together, Ben, I’ve seen it’ she said before turning her back on him, without fearing his rage.

He sat down on his chair, his legs almost shaking, cursing himself for not being able to maintain control under the gaze of a girl that was nothing, no one. But how did she know about his visions? Only the those closer to the court had known, and the certainty in her words… she hadn’t faltered one bit, as if there was not a piece of her that could doubt that even after all he had done, he could still be redeemed. On one thing he agreed with her: he might have been _almost_ a faithless man, but faith was still in him.

She left, but it was like she was still inside the tent with him, waiting, to see if he would take a leap of faith, follow what could be a sign a of God himself, his last chance. A part of him had always wondered what had awoken him that night in Rome, his sleep had been peaceful and deep, his uncle silent and quiet in his movements, but he had awoken anyway before the sword could pierce his heart.

The truth was that he didn’t know. He was hurting, and bleeding inside, and alone and scared and he knew nothing aside from the fact that he wanted to be free of this pain.

He could hear the voices of his men, outside his tent, pocking fun at the girl, Rey, their surprised gasps when she took up their offer to fight and won. He listened until nothing remained but the sound of the night, waiting for something, in the darkness, like he always had, where he belonged, probably.

He waited until dawn, then he stepped outside.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘There is no we, blessed maiden’ he said sparing a glance to the peasant and mocking her with his tone ‘the king, in case you have forgotten, wishes for my trial, and maybe my head split open in some accident. You cannot have us both in this quest of yours’  
> ‘It is not my quest, it is God’s will, and His plan for France. He means for us to fight together, there is no other way. The king cannot ride into battle, he has no generals that can do that for him anymore, and not all will follow me. But they will follow you’  
> ‘They won’t’  
> ‘They will’ she answered back, anger rising in her as well as in him.

She was on her knees and praying, not too far from the camp but just enough so that she wouldn’t be disturbed by the sound of three-hundred men waking up and preparing for the day. Two of the peasants that had accompanied her were a few feet behind her, on their knees as well, and if they had been his men, Ben would have draw his sword and put the fear of God back into them. They were still at _war,_ he was wanted by the _crown,_ and their idea of protection was to turn their back to potential danger and close their eyes.

He sighted, but waited in silence for the girl, _Rey,_ to finish her morning prayers. His aide looked uncertain next to him, eyes darting back and forth between Ben and the girl’s back, but he didn’t dare to speak.

Ben Solo knew his knights, most he had trained with since childhood, they had followed him from Paris to Marseille to Rome, and then fought beside him to get out of Rome and ever since. They were fighters, never turning away from a battle, they projected fear clothed in their shining armours, with their weapons, but they were also Christians, and a girl who could beat some of them in a sparring match without too much thought was an unusual sight, as well as the fact that she claimed to have visions from God and never wavered in her words of faith… but, ultimately, it was something they could easily believe in. The betrayal of the Royal blood, of his family, was his alone, his knights still hoped for France and victory, Ben knew, even though their loyalty to him would have led them to fight with the English if he chose to do so.

He would not, however, choose the English. It had nothing to do with the rosaries he had seen around the necks and in the hands of many of his men while he walked through the camp, nor the simple crosses some had carved out of wood, or the way they looked at him knowing that he had taken a decision in regard to the girl they called _the maiden_ , or the would-be-saint.

Internal strife had divided the families of the Royal blood and France, leaving open a door for England to attack and win years before, and hope had slowly vanished in peasants, knights, and lords alike. A part of him knew that it didn’t truly matter, if Rey really had visions or not; the fact that his knights had been so quickly turned was telling, she had walked in at the right moment with exactly what the kingdom needed after years and years of English priests singing the praises of the God-chosen, still a baby, English king, who had inherited the fierceness of his father, the conqueror. Ben felt a sting of compassion for the baby-king on the other side of the channel: he been that baby once, and it had been so painful at moments in his youth he hoped he had never been born at all.

Rey choose that moment to stand up, turning around to face him, the knees of her trousers so dirty with earth and grass he wondered how long had she been out exactly.

‘Are you here to send me away, Prince?’

Ben pressed his lips together, hands clasped behind his back, the weight of the sword on his left side so familiar he felt unbalanced only when he was without it. She seemed determined to annoy him, as well as to seek his help, such a contradiction. He could not help but be slightly amused.

‘You will find no friendly ear at court if you do not learn to control your tongue, girl’ he answered and she tried to hide the little smile that lit up her face and her eyes.

‘It’s _lady_ , or _blessed maiden_ ’ one of the peasants exclaimed, challenging him with a spark of hate and distrust in his eyes.

How he ever felt obligations towards these people, Ben didn’t know. He was prince of a kingdom that seemed designed to bring him pain, annoy him or hate him.

There was a silent apology in the girl’s eyes, and the same uneasiness that he felt every time someone called him prince, just like _she kept doing_.

Was that why she felt like she could tease him about it? Because she, too, knew how if felt, to have fate thrust upon your shoulders and no agency in how your life will unfold, and the only resemblance of control was that: denying his title as much as possible, so that he could fool himself and pretend he had a choice.

‘Watch your mouth, peasant. You are here because the Master of Ren allowed it, do not forget your place’ his aide said stepping forward, a hand on the grip of his sword.

Ben moved his hand slightly, and his aide moved back while he stepped forward, toward Rey, who prompted the peasant to stay silent.

‘I will accompany you to Chinon, where the king is. Whether he will want to grant you an audience or not, I do not care. I will leave you outside the city’

‘You must come with me’ she replayed, her brow furrowed, ‘it’s in my visions, we _must_ fight together’

She looked like a child in Ben’s eyes in that moment, her hopes and convictions so strong and steady like the walls of a fort, incapable to fully understand his refusal.

‘There is no _we_ , _blessed maiden_ ’ he said sparing a glance to the peasant and mocking her with his tone ‘the king, in case you have forgotten, wishes for my trial, and maybe my head split open in some _accident_. You cannot have us both in this quest of yours’

‘It is not _my_ quest, it is God’s will, and His plan for France. He means for us to fight together, there is no other way. The king cannot ride into battle, he has no generals that can do that for him anymore, and not all will follow me. But they will follow you’

‘They _won’t_ ’

‘They _will_ ’ she answered back, anger rising in her as well as in him. ‘You _are_ the rightful king!’

In a moment he was a few centimetres from her, in such a sudden move that had everyone tense and reaching for their weapons.

‘I am _not_ a king, nor I ever will be. I am traitor to the crown’s eyes, to all the lords of the court, and even to my own mother. You cannot have us both. I will escort you outside Chinon and then I’ll be on my way’.

‘And what about France?’

‘What about it?’

‘You have misjudged the sentiments of the people towards you, of the court’

‘You know nothing’ he answered with barely contained rage.

She raised her chin, she was much shorter than him, but her words carried more weight than his ever could. ‘I know how the people of Orleans still sing songs in your name, how they chanted for your help and how they cried for your victory when you charged against the English. I know because I was there, and I know that the king in you has never abandoned this kingdom, because Orleans is not the only city you saved’

He could not stand her gaze, her eyes so shiny with hope and determination in the morning light, her words so blunt, hitting him exactly where she knew him weak.

‘I will escort you to Chinon’ he repeated, taking a step back from her, intoxicated already by her presence and with feelings spinning in his soul he was not familiar with, that he didn’t know how to handle. ‘My company, my rules’ he added ‘there will be no more of this nonsense of going outside the camp unprotected like this. You’ll have a horse, and a proper tent. We leave tomorrow at down.’

He turned his back on her before she could replay, stomping away and retreating to his tent after announcing to his men they will escort the girl to the king.

‘We won’t let the king capture you’ one of his senior knight said, expressing the concern that many felt about him being too close to court and the crown’s forces.

‘It’s not my cousin I’m worried about’ he admitted, sincerely.

‘The maiden is reckless, but not stupid’ the knight continued ‘she is right to say, God’s visions or not, that many still consider you the rightful king, your family’s legacy, your blood, is too strong, many will follow you if you ask’

Ben didn’t want to hear any of that, and he dismissed the knight as politely as he could.

He was not worried about the king, or about his men. He did worry about the emotions that the girl’s eyes stirred in him, the way her words carved their way inside him, the way he saw a similarity of experience, a spark of comprehension he never thought he could find in his life.

Most of all, he worried about himself, what he would do if he were to come to face his mother again. The sole thought of it made him sick. After all that had happened, the memory of her warm eyes was all that reminded him that _kindness_ was a thing of this world, although it had never come his way. He didn’t want to lose that memory in favour of another pair of eyes looking at him with disappointment and hate, even though that was all he knew he was: a creature to fear and hate, the monster that is killed in tales and songs about heroes like his cousin. Ben did not fool himself, he was not someone who could be loved, but sometimes he liked to think Leia had loved him, however briefly, before she discovered his damaged nature and sent him away to die by Luke’s hands.

He did not want to lose that fragile memory, he did not want to face Poe, the son Leia had always wanted and now had, in a way, the king he could have never been. Han had loved Poe too, always taking him riding on that old stallion of his, and no matter how good Ben became on horse, always-smiling Poe, orphaned at Anzicourt, always had his parents’ attentions and praises, his character and soul much lighter and easier to manage so to fit into the schedule of a busy king and queen. Poe had never been troubled the way Ben had been, still was, but Poe was never supposed to be king, and yet, and yet…

Tears were prickling his eyes, but Ben pushed them away when he heard someone approaching his tent.

Rey entered with only a hint of hesitation.

‘What is it? Are you in need of something?’ he asked turning his back on her once again, moving around to shield himself from her gaze.

When she didn’t answered he turned around. It had been hours since he saw her at first light, calm and resolute, but now she appeared shaken, pale, her eyes only half focused on the reality in front of her. It looked painfully familiar to the way he felt every time after he woke up from one of the nightmares that never stopped plaguing his nights.

‘Are you unwell?’

‘I had a vision’ she finally spoke ‘of blood, and death, so much death. Another massacre of our countrymen’

‘It’s not uncommon news’

‘I also saw… something new. I’ve never seen the past before’

’The past?’

‘I am not certain’ she admitted, and he gestured for her to sit down. She accepted while he poured some water for her.

‘You left Rome burning. I saw flames, in the vision, and since I always see you, I assumed… but it looked different. The massacre, closer to our time, and the flames something distant, so hot on my skin…’

She took the glass of water he offered. He decided not to think about her words.

‘How did you know where to find me? Can you see… positions, in these visions of yours?’

‘No, and you know it. But I felt your doubt, wanting to cross into the german states of the Holy Emperor or joining the English to annoy your uncle. I just followed your trail after that.’

Petrified by how much she knew about him, Ben remained silent, the idea that she might be lying quickly being erased from his mind, because how else could she…?

‘They are a gift, the visions, if I could make you see… we must…’

‘They are _curse_ , and you know it. I wish, for your well being, that they stop soon’

‘Did you feel better? When they stopped?’

‘You can remain here until you feel better. I have to oversee the preparations for our departure tomorrow morning’

He left without answering her question, but the look in Rey’s eyes remained with him for the rest of the day.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were alone in his tent, although they were surrounded by his knights, just outside, and they had very little time together like this, before unwanted rumours could begin to spread. Ben most certainly did not want to smear her with his darkness. It had to be enough, no matter how painful, even though it was at the end of all things for him, to be allowed to be close to her, to gently hold her hand and fight fiercely by her side. It would probably never fade, the memory of her warm skin under his fingertips, of her body close to his while they rode back after the fight.

It was a sudden realisation but, surprisingly, not a painful one.

He might have had royal blood in his veins, but he should have bowed to her the moment she entered his life.

 

* * *

 

They had been riding for six hours when a scout came back with the news that the massacre she had seen had come to be some miles to the west, which meant trouble was on their way. So he had split up his men, kept her horse next to his, and then trouble did come upon them, hours later, in the form of an English patrol when they were detached from their group to water the horses.

It was only Ben, Rey, and five other knights. They were outnumbered against the twenty-strong patrol, but Ben had fought against greater odds and survived before.

After the archers took three of his knights, he tried to send her on her way, back to the group, but stubborn as she was she rode next to him carless of danger, sword in hand against the English. It was a blur of blood, screams, and metal after that. They lost their horses, and soon it was only him and her.

The realisation came to him then, suddenly, in that fraction of a second when they both found themselves on the ground after the loss of their horses, standing facing each other. There was sweat on her face, dirt, and some splash of blood, and he had just seen her jump off the dying horse and cut down the two men that had come at her.

She had visions of victory, she fought better than most of his knights, and her soul and convictions were stronger and purer than his could ever be. And so yes, he should have bowed to her when she first entered his tent.

But it was a second, and then they were swirling around, back to back, swords raised and Ben had never, _never_ , fought like that in his life. Their fighting styles were different, yet complementary, he covered her dark spots and she covered his, and they moved as if they could read each others’ mind. There was a light in her, around her, and he did not know if he was the only one who could see it, but it was there, like the darkness that constantly swirled around him. It felt like hours but it was probably no more than ten minutes, and they were the only ones standing, and all Ben could think about, standing in front of her, surrounded by the bodies and blood of their enemies, was that he should bow.

Maybe she was a would-be-saint, maybe she was sent by God, to kill him, save him, he didn’t care, he just looked at her with awe and admiration. And Rey smiled, smiled _at him_. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time someone had smiled at him, with him, and it almost broke him, his heart beating furiously in his chest.

‘We fight together’ she said, again, for what felt like the hundredth time since they met two days before, but he did not question it.

_There was nothing to question._

He had never felt to belong more than when he was fighting at her side and… he should bow, for the grace of God and the saints, and the archangel Michael, who probably woke him that night in Rome so he could be here, at her side, where he belonged, sword dripping with the blood of those who wished her harm.

He finally managed to kneel on the ground in front of her, his sword laid out before her.

‘Ben’

Her voice was so… soft? He could not find the words to describe it, no one ever talked to him like that, no one ever had. Her eyes, so kind when he raised his head, and the awe that he felt inside for her seemed to be paralleled by an awe of her own, _for him_ , that he truly could not understand.

She had visions from _God_ , and he had been called the disciple of Satan by the _the Pope_. And yet here she was.

Did she felt it too? How right it was, for them to fight side by side?

‘Together’ she repeated, and he raised up from the ground to offer her his hand, simply nodding, his throat too hoarse to speak.

Rey took his hand and his skin tingled in a pleasant manner under hers, warm and light where he was cold and hard.

There was only one English horse left, and he took his time, for just a moment, pretending they were somewhere else, someone else, with less complicated lives, who could do just that: revere in her light, in how she allowed his hands on her waist while he helped her on the horse, before he mounted as well, being as close to her as he could ever be, as he was allowed to be, her hair tickling under his chin, moved by the wind of their fast peace.

Maybe this was how he could gain his redemption, if that was even a possibility, fighting by her side.

They joined the main group again, and after a horse was found for her, they kept moving south, towards more secure roads, regrouping.

She rode next to him, his knights around them, but he felt her absence all the same for a moment, after having been allowed to be so close to her. It was only for a moment though, because the glances they came to exchange in the hours that followed spoke of a closeness that he had never experienced; like when they were fighting together, their minds appeared to be linked, and they understood each other even without words.

It took little more than a week to arrive outside of Chinon and knowing that his movements could have not been ignored, Ben sent word ahead that he was coming in peace, in the hope to stop the king and his men from attacking them while they travelled fast to the temporary capital of the kingdom.

In their week of travel, Ben had felt himself grow even closer to Rey, incapable to keep a steady distance from her. He didn’t know what he was going to do once they reached Chinon; he could not go with her, but he also could not turn away and leave her side.

Rey always rode next to him, she appeared to be truly pleased by his company, to enjoy their conversations. They took their meals together, and some nights, after she preached words of faith and hope to his men, she sat with him by the fire outside his tent, and they spoke quietly of the past, for once without fear of judgment. Rey listened to words Ben had never uttered to any other living soul, and she did the same: his memories of isolation and anger matched by her own memories of loneliness and desperation.

The visions became more frequent, but he had taken to wake up before the sun rose, so that he could stand and keep watch on her while she prayed on her knees and God revealed to her His plans for France.

‘Ben… I’ve seen the future, clear as you and I right now. We’ll stand together, side by side’ she kept repeating.

Ben did not doubt anymore that it was where he belonged, by her side, but it was a future he could not conceive. If he went with her to the king, he would be put on trial, the reality of the past, of his mistakes, of _him,_ crushing what little remained of his soul. If he left her… he would be alive, surely, but not truly _alive_.

The closer Chinon grew on the horizon, the larger the panic inside of him became, making him sick most of the time with memories of the past and fear of what was to come. There was so little of him left, and if any part of him was still somewhat good, Ben wanted to give it to her. But he didn’t know _how_.

Rey seemed to become more tense as well and somehow it became a habit, to hold her hand while she told him of her visions; there was victory and blood, incense smoke and the shiny jewels of the crown, the banner of the kingdom high in the sky, but there was also the inside of a cell, and flames hot on her skin. There were no words to comfort her, he knew too well, so Ben just held her hand lightly, and she was always the one to seek him out, brave as she was, holding him more strongly.

The last night of their journey, while they took their dinner in silence, avoiding as much as possible talk of what would come to be the next morning and what he would do, when they would come upon the gates of Chinon, a messenger arrived. The king would be waiting for them at the gate, peacefully. Which meant, Ben knew, with his army behind him, archers on the walls with order to aim for his dark figure should something look suspicious.

‘Maybe it was only one fight, maybe this is where it ends, for me’ he said to her later, a sad smile on his face.

They were alone in his tent, although they were surrounded by his knights, just outside, and they had very little time together like this, before unwanted rumours could begin to spread. Ben most certainly did not want to smear her with his darkness. It had to be enough, no matter how painful, even though it was at the end of all things for him, to be allowed to be close to her, to gently hold her hand and fight fiercely by her side. It would probably never fade, the memory of her warm skin under his fingertips, of her body close to his while they rode back after the fight.

Especially her _eyes_. If there was to be one last thing Ben wished to see before departing this earth for the depths of hell, it was her eyes, so warm and full of sentiments that no one had ever dared to associate with him. And that was his redemption, he thought, after a life of pain, desperation and anger, to be allowed the memory of her gaze, to know all the ways her eyes could shine in the sunrise and during sunset. It would keep him steady even in the painful pits of hell, her memory.

 _Rey_.

‘It’s alright’ he added, because there were tears on her cheeks and he did not want to cause her pain.

She was to be safe soon. Ben knew his mother would have liked her immediately, Poe would have as well, they were all kindred souls after all, kind and shiny with light, not holes of darkness like him.

‘He’ll have other knights, and they’ll fight by your side. You inspire more devotion than you give yourself credit for’

‘You are not replaceable to me’ her words were merely a whisper, prompting more tears to fall down her cheeks.

It was Rey who moved forward, and then they were embracing each other, and that… Ben would remember for all eternity.

‘Just another moment’ he had to say, because their time was running out, but he held her tighter.

Yes, Ben knew, he would remember that one moment of peace, holding her in his arms while being held by her as well, for as long as God would allowed him to, even longer, if he had a say about it.

The next morning, after he mounted on his horse, she was next to him once again, but she was looking anywhere but at him. Ben had never been good at farewells, so that morning he had broken their tradition, left two of his knights to accompany her for her morning prayers while he pondered what he was going to do. It didn’t felt as if he had much of a choice. No matter how far he ran, the past remained a part of him, of who he was, deep in his blood…

It was also true that he was afraid he would do something stupid, desperate, if he was left alone with her once more, like trying to run away with her. Although they never could, run away, it just wasn’t an option for them.

‘God has spoken!’ he shouted loudly, so that all his men could hear him ‘he has chosen the maiden as a prophet, and the destiny of France lies in victory by His grace! We will march into Chinon and escort the maiden to the king, as God has ordered us to do. And we will stay, and fight, for France!’

He raised his sword into the air, and his men chanted with him, praising God and His chosen maiden, for victory, and for France.

‘But, Master, what about the king’s decree on your person?’ his aide asked, eyes wide with fear.

‘It’s time I face my cousin and my actions. You, however, will remain with the maiden, and not worry about me. She _must_ be protected, and not only in the battles to come. Do you all understand?’

The Knights of Ren were loyal to him, but Rey had their faith. It was easy for them to pledge to follow her now that he had chosen his path. Once Ben would have been worried, but now he was only pleased that she would not be alone at court, a three-hundred strong company ready to fight for her, not simply the four peasants he had first seen her with.

Ben met her eyes quickly, her sadness reflecting his, but he turned away and began to led the march towards the gates.

He… _they,_ they had to do this.

People were waiting for them on the side of the streets, overlooking from crowded windows and waiting in silence to see if truly he had come to surrender, if the king would kill him.

He kept on going, trying to think of nothing but the next step of his horse until they arrived at the bridge that separated the castle form the small city around it.

Ben stopped and moved forward, catching briefly Rey’s worried gaze. The drawbridge was lowered, and the past he had tried so hard to leave behind appeared right in front of him.

Poe was all a king should be: of fair complexion and with a secure stance, an easy and pleasant smile who made everyone feel important and welcome. High on his white stallion, he couldn’t have been more different from what Ben was, felt to be, a spot of darkness in the bright light of the day.

It had been years since he had seen any of them, but Ben recognised Finn, the captain of the King’s guard, on a grey stallion, always close to Poe. His mother was there as well, older than he remembered her, her hair grey and, thankfully, too distant for him to make something out of the expression in her eyes.

He advanced alone, halfway across the bridge, then stopped.

‘I have come in peace… cousin’ he said, his voice booming as if he had shouted in the tense silence that had fallen upon the city.

Poe moved forward, and Finn with him before he was stopped by a look in Poe’s eyes.

‘We have long waited for your return. It is good that you have come to face the consequences of your actions… spontaneously’

Ben clenched his jaw, anger rinsing him with the sudden need to shout, to try and make them understand all the pain they had caused him. But it was something they could never understand, he knew, he was the damaged one; they did… they did nothing wrong, he finally admitted to himself, he simply had not been made to fit in.

‘I have two conditions, before I surrender myself to your judgement’

Poe looked back to Leia, and then he nodded.

‘What is it?’

‘First. My men. They are honourable knights, they wish for a victorious France, and they have fought many battles with valour’

‘So they have. The tale of your victory at Orleans is told in many songs’ Poe agreed.

‘Then let them fight for you, allowed them this honour, as they rightfully deserve’

‘It is done’ Poe agreed ‘what is your second condition?’

Ben wanted to look back, _so desperately_ , he felt like a starving men. He could feel Ray’s eyes on him, but he could not… he could not…

He took a deep breath, and then another, and then he spoke.

‘I have come here to escort a prophet. She’s God’s chosen, and she has seen His plan for France. We are to be victorious against the English, and she is our guide to victory. I ask of you, to listen to her, she is pure of heart, she speaks the truth’

Poe looked uncertain, and once again he looked back to Leia, who was looking intently at Rey. When his mother nodded, Poe spoke again.

‘She was sent? By God?’

‘She has seen you, victorious, and France, once again a whole kingdom, resplendent in the grace of God, for this is His will. She has seen the massacre at Rouvray days before it happened, but that will be the last time frenchmen are to be defeated by the English. God assured her about it’.

There was a murmur rising, a shuffling of people who tried to get a glimpse of the maiden chosen by God.

‘If that is God’s will, if she has brought you back for this… then so be it’ Poe nodded, and Ben dismounted from his horse.

He left his sword fall on the ground, next to his horse, and then turned his back to Poe, walking the bridge until he was next to Rey’s horse.

That was how it was always supposed to be, he thought, with her high above him, although she didn’t look happy about it. He offered his hand and she took it, allowing him to be close to her, one last time, while she dismounted her horse, and to walk beside her on the bridge, until he brought her in front of the king.

Finn was already behind Poe when he dismounted from his horse. Ben let go of her hand before Poe could bow politely, take the hand he had been holding - the hand he had held so many times in the past days - and kiss it with reverence.

‘You are most welcome, blessed lady’

Ben didn’t dare to look at her, for surely she must have been captivated by Poe, like everyone always was. So he simply moved forward, two guards immediately at his back, ready to escort him to the cell they had prepared for him.

He was surprised when his mother dismounted from her horse and rushed to him, briefly he thought this was how he was going to die, that she was to finish what Luke had started, but instead he found a sad expression on her face, tears in her eyes.

‘ _Mother_ ’ he said politely, suddenly wishing to be eight and small again, so he could run away before any of the guards could catch him. His father used to laugh when he did that.

‘I have missed you’ she said, her voice had aged with her.

Ben nodded, jaw clenched with so many emotions he feared he was going to explode. He _could not_ cry, not in that moment.

‘If only I could believe you’ was all he said before preceding the guards, following corridors he knew all too well towards the stairs that led to the dungeons.

If he had turned, he would have seen the look that Leia and Rey exchanged, but it was probably for the best that he never heard what Rey said next.

‘I’ve spoken with Luke, he’s so, so very sorry’

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben couldn’t tell how much time had passed since the last time he saw Rey, since he entered the cell willingly, but one night, while the world was quiet and still, his mother came.

The cell was small, not too dark. They had, prompted by some form of kindness he supposed, prepared a bed that was at least barely worthy of the name, and not a ragged blanket on the floor. The smell was not too bad, the humidity of the walls did not bother him too much, nor did the moans of pain and tiredness of the few English prisoners in cells far away from his.

What really bothered Ben were the voices.

They came from the land of the living, upstairs, and their tones were carried through the walls of thick stone until they arrived to him as whispers. It was like a nightmare he could not wake up from, the atmosphere of the court, all he had tried to forget, and now he had to hear it constantly. A part of him wanted to shout, bang his head against the wall, while he wished for them to just be done with it and kill him already… he was in so much pain.

At night, when the world went quiet for some hours, he tried to rest, to close his eyes and curl up against the wall, the memory of Rey’s embrace his only shield against the uncontrollable fear he felt: he knew he would not wake up like he had in Rome this time, and if he did, there would have been no escape, he would have had to stare hopelessly into the face of the man that they would send to pierce his heart. Because of that knowledge, against all of his instincts and reflexes developed in years and years of fighting, he stubbornly kept his eyes closed and lay down on the makeshift bed.

If he had to die, he didn’t wanted it to be while he was lost in fear and pain, in the past, Luke’s spirited eyes overlapping those of the mercenary sent to kill him. He wanted to remember the few moments of peace he had ever experienced, Rey’s eyes shining in the morning sun after her prayers, the smile on her lips, for him, with him, her warm hand in his.

Sometimes he hoped to hear her voice, among the whispers that plagued his day, but he never did. He refused to eat and simply stayed still on the bed, eyes closed, losing track of time and waiting for the end to come.

Some guards spoke to him with reverence for his blood, his reputation, some didn’t and took the opportunity to shout and mock him. Still, he refused to move.

Ben couldn’t tell how much time had passed since the last time he saw Rey, since he entered the cell willingly, but one night, while the world was quiet and still, his mother came.

He opened his eyes immediately because even after all these years, he could still recognise her steps in the distance. Countless nights he had waited for her, for his father, as a child shaken by fear of what he saw in nightmares and visions; but they seldomly came, something was always more important than him, his darkness an unwanted burden when it was mentioned. He had been so lost, _so lost_ , and that was when he learned that anger lifted him up, for a minute or more, his lungs burning from another kind of pain, a physical one, enough to distract him from the cracks that painfully teared his soul apart from the inside.

Maybe, after all the outbursts of rage he had had through the years, he had remained soulless, after all the sins he had committed… no afterlife, no Heaven, no Hell, no Purgatory, he would just cease to exist. The fact that he was not particularly disturbed by that thought should have been telling.

‘Ben’ she said stopping in front of his cell. ‘Why are you not eating?’

‘Why waste food on a dead man? Is he coming tonight? My assassin? Have you come to say goodbye? You must tell Poe that it’s pure perfidy to just let me here to wait, he should have sent his men on the first night and be done with it’

‘Don’t talk like that, please’

‘As if you cared’

He was still laying down, and he only wished for her to leave. It was too painful, _too painful_ , why couldn’t they just stab him? It would have hurt less.

‘I never thought Luke could even _think_ to do something like that, even for a second! If I had known, I would have never sent you to him! I wanted to help you, but I didn’t know _how_ anymore!’

‘Help me?’

Ben stood up, he just couldn’t help himself, sudden rage burning hot inside him.

‘HELP ME?’ he shouted ‘You never even _tried_! You were barely there! You always left me with maids and whoever was free, you never listened to me! And _he_ … he did the same! Do you want to know how it felt, _mother_? To be sent away after years in which it felt you could barely stand me, but somehow Poe was always at your side! Or perhaps should I tell you how deep it ran, the betrayal I felt when I woke up to my own uncle next to my bed, blade in hand and ready to murder me? When I saw Han in Marseille, in that damned port, there was nothing I could feel but pain, because _you sent me away!_ _My own mother!_ And Han seemed to be there to finish what Luke started!… My father, the man I had admired my whole life was there to end me! I don’t expect to be forgiven for what I have done, I know all too well the consequences that will come of my actions, but you should at least recognise your faults before coming here like this. You’re… only hurting me more than a thousands blades could, just leave… please…’ he finished turning his back to her, tears streaming down his face.

Leia left him alone, and Ben went back to bed, his back turned to the door, the pain in his mind and thoughts apparently unstoppable, until exhaustion took him away.

He woke up slowly, tired and with eyes still burning with all the tears he had cried the night before.

And he was dead, simple as that, _finally._

‘I never thought I would be allowed in Paradise. Has God forgiven me?’

Rey smiled, and Ben smiled with her. She was kneeling on the ground in front of him, her warm hand caressing slowly his cheek, moving into his hair in delicate patterns that made him shiver under her fingertips.

‘Unfortunately I don’t think God is done with us just yet. You must eat Ben, take back your strength. There are many battles ahead of us, and I need you by my side. I don’t want to have a discussion about it’

‘I’m alive?’ he asked sincerely confused.

‘Yes’ Rey answered, laughing softly, and Ben’s heart almost exploded when he heard that sound. ‘No one really wanted to put you on trial, too many still believe the throne to be yours, too many blame Leia and Han for the internal strife that allowed the English to advance so much. We need to be united, if we want victory, divided we will fail. The king recognised that, so did the council’

‘What about what I did?’ his head began to spin when he sat on the bed, slowly. He had to catch himself before he reached for her arm when she retracted her hand, her warmth still lingering on his skin.

‘Your mother explained the circumstances that led to it, the misunderstanding. I might have added that you have punished yourself enough for it, and that any further punishment should come only from God’

‘Because you need me at your side?’

‘I may have visions from God, but no one knows of battle and war as much as you do, there’s no warlord that can stand in your way. Also…’ she continued standing up, a little smirk on her face ‘I might have pointed out that in the past years most of the members of the council have obtained their seat by murdering someone of their own blood, so they were in no position to judge’

Ben felt stupidly proud of her, of how in a single meeting of the council she had so swiftly managed the nonsense of the pompous lords and princes that sat in it.

‘Can you stand? Your old rooms are ready for you… and you really should take a bath’

‘This is exactly what I expected to hear from the God-chosen maiden’ he replayed standing up, a little unstable on his feet after days of refusing food. He took a moment to look at her, she was dressed like a proper lady, more beautiful than he remembered - his memory did her no justice in the past days - and, most importantly, she looked well, they were treating her well.

‘Yes, I look like a proper lady of the court now’ she said, blushing slightly under his gaze ‘I am, after all, a woman. Although you might be surprised to discover that only now’ her tone was light while she tried to joke about it.

‘I have never forgotten that, it’s just… you appear to feel a little bit unbalanced as I feel, too, without my sword strapped on my side’

She seemed to blush even more after his comment, a smile on her lips and a ‘yes, indeed’, barely whispered.

He was expecting death and instead he was granted more time with her, it was a blessing he knew all too well he did not deserved.

Ben followed her out of the cell where two guards were waiting for them, escorting them in front of the door of a room he remembered from cloudy memories.

‘I was but a child the last time I slept here’ he admitted.

Rey stood by him in front of the door and she nodded in silence, understanding.

‘I will see you tonight, at the war council… that is, I would say I will see you at mass, but you don’t do that anymore’ she said in a low tone, trying to keep their conversation private despite the two guards a few steps away from them.

‘No’ he answered as softly as he could, and she smiled.

‘I will pray for the both us, then’ she answered back immediately, lingering next to him a moment longer ‘I’ve missed you’ Rey added with a whisper, so that only he could hear.

When he turned around to look at her, she was looking intently at her shoes, a beautiful blush on her cheeks. Her little finger brushed his, only for a moment, and Ben felt his brain come to halt. He was mesmerised by her: the blush on her cheeks, the little smile tugging at the corner of her lips and the way the light drew the shadow of her long eyelashes on her skin.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he couldn’t speak. Not in that moment, maybe ever.

She left before he could say or do something, and to his surprise the two guards left with her.

Ben kept his eyes on her back until she disappeared at the end of the corridor, then he pushed the heavy door open and entered his old bedroom. The room was only slightly different form what he remembered, his things had been already brought in and there was food on the table, an invitation scribbled by Poe on a piece of parchment for the war council.

The days spent in the cell, waiting for death in despair and pain, had drained him of energy, and it took Ben almost half of the day to eat and bathe, rest for a bit and then dress properly. He did everything slowly, methodically, so that he could not think of anything else, of the looks the lords and princes will have for him that night.

When the time came, the council went as bad as he had imagined. Years away from the court had not erased completely his skills in managing the egos of the lords and princes, so he knew how to make his opinion count, moving pieces on the map and preparing carefully the next military campaign. Poe had been on some battlefields, but no one had the first-hand experience he had, so they reluctantly listened to him. From his part, Ben followed Rey, she described her visions and he tried to make sense of them, to understand where God wanted them to strike the English, his hand itching to reach for hers.

After four hours, they were able to agree on a preliminary plan, and Poe dismissed the council, asking Ben to stay.

‘So…’ Poe started, once they were alone.

Ben stayed silent, and Poe raised an eyebrow. ‘No comments?’

‘On the council?’

‘On the fact that I sit on your throne’

‘Pssk, keep it. It’s a burden I do not wish for’ Ben answered truthfully.

‘Yes, you know too well what it entails, the responsibilities…’

‘Is that why you asked me here? Are you afraid I will try to overthrow you?’ he asked with a hint of rage, but Poe shook his head with a sad smile.

‘No, no… You are not like that, despite what happened with Han. I was…’ he sighted heavily ‘you were like a brother to me, Ben. If only you had spoken to me… I suppose the fault is also mine. But I am glad that we are together again, against the English. I have thanked God for that, and the maiden. I would have never forgiven myself if I had to sign your death sentence, as many of the lords wanted, until she spoke in your favour’

‘I am merely a mean to an end at the moment, they will scheme again once we win’ his tone was slightly annoyed. How could Poe believe the lords could behave in any other manner?

‘Of course they will’

There was silence for a few moments after that, but Ben broke it. He had to ask, he had to know, so that he could prepare himself, even though he knew he could never be prepared for _that._ It was a thought that had come to his mind that morning, while after bathing he had spotted Rey from the window of his room, walking in the gardens and surrounded by a small crowd of lords and ladies, and the court’s priests at her side.

‘Will you ask her?’

‘Ask who?’ Poe replayed instantly, the memories of their shared childhood, of many discussions and games, suddenly back on their minds.

‘The maiden’

’Ask her what?’

‘To marry you’

‘To merry…? _me?’_ Poe was surprised and confused in equal manner .

'You need a wife, she’s clearly beloved by all’

‘Ben, you should know that better than I do, that even if she was not chosen by God, I hardly doubt I could ask of her something like that, even as a king. I don’t think she wishes to stay, after all it’s over… just like you’ he added, a smirk on his face that prompted in Ben the sudden urge to punch him, just like when they were children and Poe teased him with affection about his big ears.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

‘Ben, if you don’t know…’ he said shaking his head before changing argument ‘Anyway, we are going to war’ Poe said moving in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder in a friendly gesture Ben literally had not experienced in a decade. ‘Is the throne yours? Mine? Doesn’t matter. We’re together, and we’re fighting together, and that’s what matters _now._ If after we win, as the maiden has foreseen, we’re still both alive and you still want to leave, I’ll be okay with that, I can promise you now that you’ll be free to go and do whatever you want. If we’re both here and you’ll want to stay, we’ll sort that out as well. But Ben, if I die…’

‘You won’t, she has seen…’

‘Do you ever listen? She has seen victory in raised French flags over Normandy, in the crown jewels shining, but the only other person she has ever seen in her visions is _you_ , she never saw _me_ ’

‘You won’t be on the battlefield, Poe’ it was meant as reassurance against the darkness that slipped silently in Poe’s eyes, but Ben realised he needed to hear those words as well. Poe could not die, he did not deserve it.

‘It does not matter’ Poe dismissed his words and his worry quickly, trying to make Ben understand the point he was making ‘If I die, you _must_ follow your duty, take the crown and govern the kingdom. We are the only ones left of the direct bloodline, it will be civil strife if you leave, and then all would have been for nothing. So promise me Ben, give me your word’

He clenched his jaw, but after a moment of silence Ben nodded.

‘You have it. You have my word.’

‘Good. Have a good night, brother’ said Poe smiling again, giving Ben a pat on his back before leaving the room, Finn immediately behind him.

Ben left the council room as well, and he could hear the reverberation of Poe’s and Finn’s voices, their laughter, travel down the corridors.

He traced his steps back to his rooms, but he could not enter; he knew he could not sleep, not yet. Corridor after corridor, up and down stairs, he kept going until he arrived in front of the doors of the small chapel.

He still had his faith, Luke had only made him distrust the Church of Rome, everyone who answered to him. A silent church, deserted, in the middle of the night, was a place in which he could be, in which he could pray again; not for himself, not for France, but for Rey. Battles were chaotic, and whilst he could be at her side and protect her in many ways, they were still human and fragile, a single arrow could have ended it all.

Ben moved silently, slipping inside the church, only to stop frozen on the spot.

Rey was on her knees in front of the altar, the whispers of her prayers a melody he didn’t know he had missed. Moving slowly, he did what he had almost always done since they met, and stood silently behind her, guarding her, protecting her, while she prayed.

She knew he was there, her shoulders relaxed when he moved closer, her voice became a bit stronger and a small smile was pulling at the corner of her lips. They were truly alone in the chapel, for the first time. There were no guards, no knights, no irascible peasants, only him and Rey.

There was no one at court who didn’t know the latin prayers by memory, but after years, he feared he might have forgotten the words. He started to pray with her anyway, a whisper so not to cover her voice. Ben was certain that God preferred her voice to his anyway, and he was absolutely fine with that. He _wanted_ her to be protected by God, with all his might, for he might have pledge in his heart to be her shield, but he was only human, a messy one, one that had committed sin over sin. Even though he didn’t wanted to do anything wrong with her, there were still a thousand ways in which he could make the wrong choice, _again_.

If Rey was surprised by his voice, she didn’t show. They stood like that for hours, until her voice stopped, her eyes beyond reality, and he knew she was lost in a vision.

Quickly, Ben knelt beside her, an arm around her to sustain her until she was free again, breathing laboriously, and letting him holding her.

‘We will win this battle’ she said after a moment, her voice tired, her face hidden in the crook of his neck. Ben could hear her warm breath on his skin, and he remained silent, knowing that there was more. ‘I keep seeing the flames… and a cell, even though you are free again… what does it mean?’

There were goosebumps on her skin, and Ben held her more tightly.

‘I don’t know. But I’ll be there, with you’

‘Yes… can you feel it too? The movement… slow but steady, balance being slowly restored’

Ben closed his eyes and, to his surprise, he found himself knowing exactly of what she was talking about.

‘Yes, I feel it too’

They stayed like that for some time, always too short to for his liking, and then they departed in different directions, but Ben still felt Rey with him, as if they were linked by an invisible thread, and he knew, _he just knew_ , that she felt it as well.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben’s memories of those uncomfortable chairs were so clear, of how Leia used to have him stand between her and Han when holding court, how Han used to allow him to sit on his knees when Lando came back from his expeditions with fantastic gifts… and all the nights he secretly sneaked into the throne room, to sit in his father’s chair, alone, in the pitch black of the night, crying for him to come back, for them both to be back and not leave him behind with strangers and nightmares.

Where she went, he followed.

With approval he watched his knights dutifully look out for her, even though they mingled with difficulty with the crown’s own forces. But it became easier everyday.

Lords and lonely knights who stood for years in the shadows of neutrality gathered around the crown, around _her_ , and the kingdom seemed to become more strong and united with each passing day.

It was still difficult for Ben to be around his mother, to see her constantly advising Poe and simply stay beside him with a familiarity and affection he could not remember her ever bestowing on him. Sometimes it lit the anger in him, fists clenching behind his back itching to hit something, sometimes it just left another sour wound in what remained of his soul. Leia smiled at him, she tried to talk to him… but he couldn’t do it.

It all had happened so fast: Rey, coming back to court, Poe and his mother… a part of him felt constantly ashamed because of all the wrong decisions he had made, all the people he had hurt, for the broken, hopeless cause that he was; the other part, as always, was rage and anger.

Rumours began to spread - that he was back to take the crown, to murder Leia like he had Han, to kill Poe in battle and make it look like an accident, that he was secretly conspiring with England and its governors in France, Hux and Snoke - but Rey blew them away with her words of faith: she had seen him in her vision, he was fighting for France as much as everyone else, and he had escorted her to the king.

He was not fighting for France, strictly speaking, he was fighting for her, but it was a truth Ben could not allow himself to linger on… he _could not_ , it was simply not allowed, whatever his heart wanted he could only lover her like one could love one of God’s own angels: from a distance, and with reverence. Sainthood, which was her status as recognised by almost everyone even though she was well alive - and he was determined to keep her so - was not reconcilable with the way his heart sped up when he was allowed to hold her hand, or when his gaze fell on her lips. Despite the scorning look that the cardinal kept reserving him every time Ben entered a room, he was grateful that Luke’s followers kept everyone who might have had less tact and control over themselves far away from Rey.

Rey had, of course, rolled her eyes at the small group of nuns that was assigned to assist her, in one of the very few moments during which they were allowed to speak, surrounded by a crowd large enough so not to be overheard.

The more people gathered around her, the less time they spent together, Ben had noted with sadness. Sometimes it felt like they were islands on the opposite side of the sea, even though they lived in the same castle, until they could find each other, some nights, in the silence of the deserted chapel.

‘You believe the Church mingles too much in the affairs of the kingdom’ she teased him .

‘Unlike many here, my relationship with the Church of Rome is heavily biased due to personal experiences with _His Holiness_ ’ he said, sarcastically speaking of Luke ‘Another reason why Poe is a better king I could ever be’

‘Some disagree, you should know that by now’

‘They are not very wise. You should not listen to them’

She smiled lightly, eyes lingering on his face and Ben forgot how to breath for a second, the corner of his lips curving into a sincere, if small, smile.

Their brief exchange was interrupted by Finn, who politely reminded Rey of her appointment with the blacksmith. Poe had insisted for her to have an armour especially made for her, and once again Ben had agreed with him.

He remained in the corner of the room, trying to disappear in the crowd of the small gathering called by Poe for an occasion Ben couldn’t care to remember, following Rey and Finn with his eyes - the easy friendship that developed between them - until they disappeared. Something deep inside him took that sight as a premonition: to protect her in war, only to disappear when life would go back to normal… because he could not do normal, he never had known it for himself and she belonged in the light of the court, in sunny gardens at Bordeaux.

For just one second, he dared to look at where Poe was standing: he had not taken Han’s or Leia’s throne, he had another made, a chair of simple design in black iron and orange gold that stood in the middle, in front of the old thrones. Ben’s memories of those uncomfortable chairs were so clear, of how Leia used to have him stand between her and Han when holding court, how Han used to allow him to sit on his knees when Lando came back from his expeditions with fantastic gifts… and all the nights he secretly sneaked into the throne room, to sit in his father’s chair, alone, in the pitch black of the night, crying for him to come back, for them both to be back and not leave him behind with strangers and nightmares.

As if sensing his thoughts, Leia began to move towards him. Ben looked for a way out, but too many people were standing in his way, and his mother was quicker on her small feet than he remembered, as if old aged hadn’t caught up with her yet.

‘Ben’

‘Mother’

‘I’ve heard from Poe that the first battle is approaching. That you intend move next week’ there was a note of sadness in her eyes, but Ben made a point to look away from her, before everything became to much.

He certainly did not want to give a spectacle in front of the whole court. Although he had done it plenty of time in his youth, tantrums of rage to expel the excruciating pain he felt inside. Nowadays, some mornings, he barely had the strength to leave the bed if it wasn’t that he had to guard Rey during her morning prayers.

‘You have nothing to say?’ Leia pressed him.

‘You have spoken to Poe, I’m sure he informed you of the decisions reached in the war council. If you want to know more, next time you could simply join us. You’re the queen mother, no one will throw you out of the room’

He was digressing, changing argument, because Ben knew - he just _knew_ \- from the tone of her voice that she was getting at something, something private and deep that he could not discuss with his mother in the middle of the crowded throne room.

Leia chuckled. She had always been able to read him so clearly, except when it mattered the most, when it prompted her to push him away.

‘I finally have you back, it will always be hard for me to see you go. Like it was always hard to see your father go’

‘Yes, imagine being five and having to see _both_ you parents leaving, repeatedly, leaving you alone with stranger and nightmares’ it was a low blow, uncalled for against the hand Leia was extending towards him, but Ben had always been good at sabotaging his own life, and the bitterness left by the easy relationship that his mother had with Poe was strong, and painful.

Still, he refused to look at her, at the hurt he once again had caused.

‘I’m so sorry, Ben’ she whispered, voice cracked with pain.

‘I’m sure you are’

He saw an opening in the crowd and began to move away, but Leia placed a hand on his arm, stopping him gently yet with resolution, forcing him to turn.

‘I love you Ben, I always have and I always will, no matter what. I have made many mistakes, but never doubt that, never doubt that I love you’

For a moment Ben was lost, her words and her eyes that radiated the same kind of warmth of the few memories of happiness and comfort he had from his childhood.

There was nothing he could say, his mind empty and his voice momentarily lost, so he just nodded and turned his back to Leia, walking away from her and the court.

_Again._

He spent the rest of the day with his knights, briefing them on the upcoming battle, checking stocks of weapons, animals and food, making sure that everything and everyone was ready. Ben even began to polish his own armour by himself, just to keep his mind occupied on the task in front of him, so not linger on Leia’s words, on truths and a past he still could not face.

That was how Rey found him, alone in the tent in which his weapons were kept, his shirt unbuttoned and disheveled, messy black hair that kept getting into his eyes, sitting on a bench with hands dirty and tired from scrubbing his breastplate clear and shiny.

She stopped immediately as she entered, and he was so concentrated on his work that he didn’t look up until she took a sharp intake of breath. He must have looked awful, Ben though, because she diverted her eyes from him a couple of times while advancing in the tent, only to then linger with her gaze on his hands, his arms, his exposed neck…

 _Oh,_ he thought finally understanding her uneasiness, _the scar._

He had never dwelled on it before, on the ugly scar that run from his lower neck to his shoulder, it was nothing but another remainder of how close he had come to death, like the small burning marks on his hands he had gained in Rome, while helping one of his knights against the flames that had engulfed the city.

‘The Duke of Milan’ he said leaving his breastplate on the bench beside him, closing his shirt whilst trying to cover the scar as best as he could.

‘What?’ Rey was looking at him now, following the moment of his fingers with her eyes.

‘When I left Rome, we took a ship from Ostia, but we had to stop at Livorno and reach Genoa on horse. When we crossed into Lombardy, after what had happened in Rome, the Duke of Milan was not… happy’ he said gesturing vaguely towards the scar.

‘Oh’

Carefully, Ben rested his hands on his lap, uncertain if he should continue.

‘It was… umh, Snoke and Hux. They… helped, me and my knights, to reach Genoa, gave us a fast ship, healed me. They insisted I should go to Marseille. They knew Han was there and…’ he took a breath, closed his eyes. Maybe it could be a start, listen to Leia, talk about what had happened, for him to accept it, come to terms with it and continue on whatever path Rey had swayed him towards.

‘I was susceptible, after what happened with Luke, and weak to certain… _arguments_. They knew that, they whispered things in my ears, I believed them, and when I saw Han in Marseille…’

‘But then you didn’t follow them, Snoke and Hux, you never completely joined their cause, share their ideals’

‘No’ he answered in a whisper, opening his eyes only to find her so close to him he had to look up to find her gaze.

‘I cannot give you the absolution you seek’ her voice was a low murmur that shook the bones of his body, and he lingered into her touch when her hand traced delicate patterns on his cheek, into his hair.

‘I know, I’m not asking you to, I would never. It is something I have to face alone’ it was so simple, to whisper such truths when she was so close and warm, when her eyes were not full of distrust or fear but of something else he could not name.

‘I wanted to, I want you to be… for us to…’ there was a tread of pain in her words, her eyes shining with barely contained tears while her hand on his face became more firm, demanding. ‘You’re not alone’ she said finally.

‘Neither are you’ he answered without hesitation, rising up and embracing her like he had that last night before they arrived at court.

Her hands closed into fists on his back, pulling his shirt, her face tucked under his chin.

‘Is it the vision with the fames?’ he asked carefully. Ben cursed himself mentally, she had probably been upset when she entered his tent and with his story he had made it worse. But Rey shook her head.

‘It… was just a nightmare… you were hurt and I… I panicked’

Something warm blossomed in Ben’s chest, something he hadn’t felt in a very long time. The warm smile came surprisingly easy to his lips when he gently moved Rey so that she could look at him, as well as the comforting words he spoke next.

‘I’m here, I’ll always be by your side’ and it was not a white lie to sooth her fears, there was truth in it, in the bond he felt with her. She understood, smiled through the tears when he placed a gentle kissed on her forehead, only to return to hug him more tightly than before.

It was dangerous, extremely dangerous. Anyone could have seen them, but Ben couldn’t find the force in him to care while Rey held on to him like that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, life got in the way but I should be able to update more regularly soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You’ll have your fight soon enough, don’t rush into it’  
> ‘Don’t patronise me! I was at Orleans! I know what war looks like!’ she shouted in anger, and Ben finally turned to look at her. She was tense, nervous.  
> He left the last piece of armour fall on the ground, and the temptation to run to her, hold her in his arms, was almost impossible to resist.  
> They looked at each other in silence for a long time, eyes locked as if there was no one else but them, no war, no army outside of his tent.

Everything was ready.

The carts with the food, the horses, the knights in their shining armours with sharp weapons.

In the bright light of the day Ben was, once again, a spot of darkness. Even if carefully polished, his armour was heavy, and black. By all means, he should have had difficulty moving, walking, but he advanced unbothered by its weight, finally feeling the comfort of his sword strapped on his side. He was holding his helmet in his hand, not yet wearing it, but when he exited the portico and entered the courtyard of the palace, the crowd moved aside to let him pass, the look of distrust and fear he had learned to accept on the face of others when they saw him coming clearly recognisable on many.

His knights saluted him and after a short walk, in a swift moment, he was up on his horse.

Poe, in an orange-gold armour was not far, Finn beside him in a shiny greyish armour and brown leather. They were talking to Leia, and Ben looked away. He was trying to avoid his mother, and he was trying to avoid Rey.

She had never seen him in a _real_ battle, in his black armour, and inside him Ben feared that after the fight she might look at him differently. She stood proudly on her white stallion, her armour shiny with blue engravings, a beacon of light with her warm smile. He had taken a second, before walking to his stallion, to admire her from the shadow, to pray to God to give him the strength to protect her, help her when he could, to die in her place if it ever came to it…

‘Ben’

He was almost startled by her voice, she pulled him back from whatever dark angle of his own mind he had receded in only to be lost in her hazel eyes under the sun.

‘We will win. I saw it, solid and clear like I am seeing you now’

‘In my experience, victory is always a messy affair. It won’t be painless’

He had to be blunt, tell her the truth, so that she would not be disappointed when she saw how he was in battle, when she saw him _kill._

‘I know’ she answered with a sad smile.

He wanted… he wanted so many things: to hold her close, to kiss her, to see her smile, to see her safe, and happy… but the only thing he could do in the busy courtyard was move his horse close to hers.

‘Here’ he said readjusting her armour on her shoulders since it was slightly loose. He had to do it with gloved hands, but it was better than nothing.

‘Thank you, I’m not used to armour, it’s very heavy, even if Finn says mine is lighter than any armour he’s ever seen’ she said with a tiny smile.

‘It is, but I’ve seen you practice with Finn, you are a quick leaner’

‘You watched me?’ she asked surprised, and Ben had to stop breathing before he could blush - he really could not blush in front of his knights - but Rey continued, apparently pleased ‘I’ve insisted to keep my sword’ a smirk that almost left Ben out of breath once again.

A small smile came to his lips, but it died almost instantly when he felt Leia’s eyes on them.

He moved away from Rey, maybe a little too abruptly given the look of hurt that crossed her face, but she saw Leia too, and apparently understood.

They didn’t spoke after that, Ben had an army to manage and she was to stay close to Poe until they reached the frontline. With Ben leading, there was no need for Poe to be in danger on the battlefield, and Poe was better at assessing battles from afar anyway, as if he was a bird flying in the sky.

They marched for two days, but then they finally reached Beaugency, the city clear in the distance. They had sent messages ahead, a letter from Poe and one from Rey calling for surrender, reassuring the city council that if they opened their gates, their alliance with England would be forgiven. It was a veiled threat, an expedient to avoid battle, and sometimes it worked. But not this time.

Ben was on the frontline of their trenches when the head of the council burned Poe’s and Rey’s letters on the wall above the main gate that protected the city.

‘Prepare to attack’ he said simply to his captains, who stood around him representing the various garrisons.

The plan of attack had been made back at Chinon and everyone knew what needed to be done, where they needed to go. Poe was already settled on a hill nearby, overseeing them from above, Ben’s knights and those from the other princes ready to hold a small siege before attacking.

‘I don’t like this’ said Rey approaching him when he dismounted his horse near his tent.

‘You told me you saw victory, nothing more. This is how I think we can win, unless you know something I don’t we’ll go forward with it’ he answered her, maybe a touch too harshly. She hadn’t liked the plan when it had been proposed at first, but she hadn’t really complained about it until that moment.

‘Why can’t we just move forward and attack?’ she insisted following him into his tent.

The camp was settled, her tent not far from his since she had insisted that she needed to fight; with her armour off, a little disheveled from the travel, she still looked like the most beautiful woman Ben had ever seen. He began to take off his own armour, trying not to lash out at her ignorance of war.

‘Because it would be a slaughter! I won’t send men to their deaths if I can avoid it, this will weaken them, give them time to reconsider surrender, and if not victory will come easier’ he explained while focusing his rage on the laces that kept his armour together on his figure.

It was a simple plan: a small group of knights led by Finn - he had volunteered against Poe’s wishes - would have intercepted and destroyed Beaugency’s food stock. After a day, maybe two, they would then go forward with their attack.

‘You’ll have your fight soon enough, don’t rush into it’

‘Don’t patronise me! I was at Orleans! I know what war looks like!’ she shouted in anger, and Ben finally turned to look at her. She was tense, nervous.

He left the last piece of armour fall on the ground, and the temptation to run to her, hold her in his arms, was almost impossible to resist.

They looked at each other in silence for a long time, eyes locked as if there was no one else but them, no war, no army outside of his tent.

‘I know there’s much anxiety before a battle… you need to control it, or it will work against you’ he said in a dried voice, incapable to look away from her.

She moved closer and Ben’s heat stopped when she straightened his vest, her hands brushing lightly on visible scar on his lower neck. He shivered, and thought that nothing in life had been nearly as hard as keeping his hands to himself when she did that.

‘Right…’ she just said moving away.

It was a moment, and then she was gone.

Ben regained his breath, but remained confused. Could it be possible, for her to be drawn to someone like him? He doubted that, she was, well, _Rey_ , and he was a disaster. Thankfully, there was little time for him to dwell on that.

Finn returned with his men at dawn, his mission a success, and in the two days in which they had to stay still and wait before attacking, Ben barely saw her. Rey apparently avoided him, staying with Poe and the other princes and dukes, or with Finn and the troops; he saw her only from afar, knew of her daily activities only from the reports of his knights.

It was _okay_ , it was for the better, he kept saying to himself, but it was _painful_ , to have her so close and yet so far away. If this was how it was going to be, he hoped to die in the last battle, so that they could both be free.

On the dawn of the third day, she finally came to him again, riding next to him towards the frontline.

It was time to attack.

Ben had made sure everything was ready, that every knight and soldier knew what to do, so he let her give the speech to the army, sword in one hand and France flag in the other. She called the first assault, fire and faith in her words and actions moving the entire army forward with her, Ben by her side.

Arrows began to fall from the archers on the walls, but they were stopped soon enough by the two catapults they had mounted in the previous days, and the gates of the city were forced open in order for Beaugency’s garrison to come out and fight. Once again, once they were off their horses, Ben fought back to back with Rey without needing to speak to her, complementary in their every movement.

They fought for hours, and for one moment, a single one, Ben was lured away from her by three knights who had decided to pick on him simultaneously, hoping to tire him down, but he had already killed one, and he had a sword for each hand, ready to strike down the others. There was a cry of pain, and he turned around to see an arrow hit Rey in the narrow gap left by her armour between her neck and shoulder. She fell on the ground, but she was up again a moment later, a battlecry on her lips to move the soldiers forward in a final attack.

Ben was filled with rage then, and he killed five, maybe seven soldier to go back to her side. A damn cannon ball landed near him, knocking him on the ground, and he clearly felt a piece of _something_ piercing his side despite his armour. He didn’t care, he stood up and rushed towards Rey, following her and fighting with her for another hour or so, until the city finally surrendered.

If it wasn’t for his own injury, Ben would have dragged her out of the battlefield himself, but he left her with Finn, who promised to have a doctor tend to her immediately whilst he finished the job, making sure the city council was in shackles and the citizens well aware that their allegiance was to be to France, not England. They seemed to understand that quickly, and only after having organised the patrols of the city against possible revolts and made the necessary preparations for Poe’s arrival the next day, Ben went back to the encampment, to the medic’s tent, his side numb and the blood loss taking its toll on him.

Rey was still there when he entered, her left shoulder patched up neatly with fresh bandages while the doctor helped her into her vest. There were bruises on her skin, cuts, and Ben wanted to hit something.

He should have done better, he should have…

‘My prince! That is a nasty wound, you should have come sooner!’ the doctor exclaimed when his eyes moved away from Rey.

Ben had shed his armour earlier, discovering a piece of wood had pierced his side. Rey’s eyes were full of worry and she was on the verge of saying something, but luckily Finn came to escort her to Poe before they could talk. He feared he could have said something really stupid and inappropriate.

The doctor worked on his side for an hour, cleaning the wound and covering it in bandages stretched so to be tight.

‘I must check the wound every day, your highness, if it gets infected…’

’Yes, I know. I’ll come back tomorrow’ Ben interrupted the doctor, dismissing himself.

He was so tired he avoided every form of celebration, even his own knights, just to be alone in his tent, although he was pleased by the cheers in Rey’s name.

Her cry of pain during the battle still hunted him, and not even a glass of wine made him feel better. Sitting on his bed he tried to focus on the only thing he knew how to control, his pain from his wound, but his mind still went back to her, to the bruises he had seen begin to blossom on her skin… it was his fault, his failure, _again…_

‘Ben’

She walked into his tent silently, as always, but he stood still on his bed. There were tears in her eyes, and she cautiously around until she sat down next to him.

‘I’ve been such a fool’ she said, a single tear falling on her cheek. ‘I thought that by avoiding you my fear of… of losing you would lose its hold on me but…’

‘It’s just flesh wound, nothing serious’ he said stopping her, looking away before he did or said something stupid.

‘Everyone is drunk, celebrating’ she said when she saw him look at the entrance of his tent.

‘Rey’ he pleaded with her when she moved her hand into his hair, moving strands of it away from his face.

‘We shouldn’t…’

‘You bride your hair, when you have to wear your helmet’ she interrupted him. ‘I never learned, could you bride mine?’ she asked, but what she really said was _I don’t want to be alone._

Ben nodded, and she turned around, her back to him while she undid her buns and he remained enchanted by the way her hair fell on her shoulders. His hands trembled a little when he threaded his fingers into her soft strands, her perfume - like earth and steel - making his head spin.

Rey relaxed her shoulders, leaned back into him and Ben really hoped everyone was drunk enough to forget about them for a moment.

‘Was it Leia, who thought you?’ she asked.

‘Yeah’ was his chocked response. Ben could barely think straight with her so close.

Her hair was short, but he made sure that no strand stood out of the neat braid.

’Too tight?’ he asked when he was done. Unsure where to put his hands he brushed briefly her shoulders and arms before resting them in his lap.

‘It’s perfect, Ben.’

They were silent for a moment, then Rey turned a little, took his hands in hers, brought them forward until they rested on her stomach, enclosing herself in his arms.

‘Rey, we really should not…’ he pleaded, his head already bowing unconsciously until the tip of his nose was brushing her neck, breathing her in.

‘Please, don’t let me go’ she was almost in tears again, her voice cracked.

‘I won’t, _I won’t_ , but we _can’t’_ he answered, sharing her frustration and pain while she squeezed his hands more firmly, leaning back against him, her head resting on his shoulder.

‘Please’ she asked again, and Ben would have given her everything, _everything_ , but this… this could damn them both, and he would not drag her down, she belonged in Heaven, not in Hell with him.

He didn’t even realised he said that aloud until she stared crying, and then he was helpless, desperate to soothe her pain, leaving a kiss on her neck near her pulse point that had her catch her breath, and then he was lost, clay in her hands.

He asked for forgiveness, pleaded for her to remain in God’s graces, to punish him instead of her. He could not understand how it could be wrong to kiss her neck, worship her with his hands and mouth, to give glory to God for creating such a fierce woman and allowing him to be so close to her.

‘Ben’ she called his name again, but he could not kiss her lips or he would go too far, he wouldn’t be able to stop, he knew it. So he kept his lips on her neck while she moved his hand on her stomach, and then lower, and lower, under her pants where he could feel her warm skin.

He did worship her then, gave her everything he could, everything she needed from him, pleasing her with his fingers while her moans were music to his ears. She kept calling his name, search for his mouth, her hips bucking up against his hand again and again and Ben didn’t come in his pants like a teenage boy only because he was so focused on her, on giving her everything he could give her without dragging her down a path of darkness.

She came suddenly, biting her lips so not to scream, her left hand over his on her breast, the other on his right forearm, keeping his hand between her shaking tights.

He moved away from her slowly, reluctantly, but he had to.

‘You should go’ he said when she turned around to look at him, her cheeks and lips bright red, her eyes still glossy with pleasure. Had he loved her less, Ben would have not let her go, he would have gone further. But he loved her too much.

She moved towards him and he stopped her in time, before their lips could crush together.

‘Please’ it was Ben’s turn to plea, voice broken.

Slowly, Rey stood up, and it seemed to take an eternity for her to walk from his bed to the opening that led outside. She lingered there, unsure about what to say as much as he was.

‘Will I see you tomorrow? At my prayers, before Poe comes?’ she asked.

‘Of course’ Ben replayed still out of breath.

She nodded and then left, and the fresh memory of what had just happened did made Ben come in his pants like a boy, in equal part pleasure and shame.

He should have been stronger.

Wasn’t that the story of his life? A long list of _should_ he had constantly defied for the worst. He could not do this to her, _he could not_. Where were Luke’s followers when he needed them?

Ben collapsed on his bed exhausted, not even aware of the fact that sometime after Rey left, he had started crying.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was not exactly avoiding her, but he was also not allowing himself to spend more time with her than strictly necessary, although he still rose before dawn to guard her while she knelt with the army chaplain for her morning prayers. She noticed, of course, and she looked hurt by it, but he had to ignore it, it was for the best, after all.

‘Uh’

‘ _What?_ ’ Ben said rolling his eyes at Poe. He knew that tone far too well.

They were both in their finest dresses, almost ready to enter the city triumphantly, and Rey had just passed them on her horse before settling behind them after Finn.

Ben had tried to focus intently on his gloves, on their texture, on whatever could take his mind away from the memory of Rey in arms, _moaning_ , of his fingers…

Yes, _gloves_ , _leather_ , _horse_ … _very interesting_ Ben repeated in his mind, catching himself in time. Poe would never let it die if he saw him _blush._

‘Leia used to bride her hair like that when we were little, remember?’ he said with a smirk on his face.

’Maybe Leia taught her’

‘Oh, _sure_ ’

’Shut up, Poe’

‘I said nothing!’

‘You said plenty, as always’

‘There’s nothing wrong, so you bride her hair, no big deal… I’m rooting for you here, brother’

‘I swear, I’ll push you down the damn horse’ Ben answered, but Poe laughed and he found himself smiling lightly as well. He had truly missed it, the friendship with Poe, but _still._

‘There’s nothing going on’ he said aloud.

‘ _Of course_ ’ Poe answered biting his lips so not to laugh.

‘For God sake!’ Ben exclaimed turning around ‘Finn! Are we going?’

‘Almost ready!’ Finn answered, he was moving around on his horse, checking that the rest of the king’s guard was ready to march around them.

‘You know, I _really am_ rooting for you’ Poe repeated, his smile slightly sadder while he followed Finn carefully with his eyes. ‘You and Rey leading the army has many thinking, wondering, about the succession, you know?’

‘She’s… the archbishop of Reims called her _a prophet of God_ , it can never be that way Poe, it would ruin us both, and I won’t have her…’ he bit his lips, suddenly aware of just how much he had given away.

Poe seemed to understand, his eyes still following Finn.

’So, Finn?’ Ben asked, finally understanding.

‘Yeah’

They stayed silent for a moment, Poe looking at Finn and Ben turning his head slightly to look at Rey, who far behind them was speaking with the Duke of Orleans. He and Poe were momentarily surrounded by a void, alone on their horses, everyone far enough so that they could speak without being overheard.

‘Even if… we could… Luke would never give his blessing, and the king of France _needs_ the Pope’s blessing’

‘If he knew he wouldn’t give it to me either’ Poe joked sadly.

‘I wouldn’t be so sure about it, if you knew half of the things that go on in Rome… the protestants are not making noise for nothing in Switzerland, corruption is only the tip of it, trust me’

‘Still’

‘Still’

They was silence once more, but Poe broke it first this time.

‘You’ve travelled far more than everyone I’ve ever known, except Lando’ and they both looked at each other at that, the silent joke between them of Lando being always on the run ‘have you ever seen…?’ he asked, looking briefly at Finn before fixing his eyes on Ben.

‘Only once. The Ottoman Empire is _very_ vast, their control is light outside the capital and the major ports. I’ve heard rumours about the Mongolians, but after the death of the Khan their empire is shattered, unstable and dangerous’

‘Thank you’ said Poe.

Ben saw the trouble in his eyes and he extended his hand until he could rest it on Poe’s shoulder. He hadn’t done this in a very long time, friendship.

‘Let’s focus on winning the war, get to the end of it in one piece. You said it yourself, we win and then we figure it out.’

’Duty, eh?’ Poe joked.

‘Yeah, you know how it is. Being a prince is all fun and games for like, the first five seconds you come into the world, then it’s downhill from there’

‘God I’ve missed you’ said Poe, finally smiling again.

‘Me too’ Ben answer was a whisper, but Poe seemed to understand, as always.

‘We’re ready!’ Finn shouted approaching them.

‘Let’s go!’ Ben shouted as well, making sure his knights saw him so that they could move around Rey.

They entered the city in a slow procession, and the citizens’ mood seemed to have greatly improved since their defeat. They shouted for the king, but especially for Rey. Apparently, during the night the stories about her deeds had captured the imagination of many, the idea of a newly united kingdom not a fantasy anymore after their swift victory.

They had to go to mass, of course, and Ben flinched unconsciously when he entered the bright church. He would have gladly avoided it, but Rey was to be blessed by the archbishop with sacred oil, and Poe _insisted_ on him being present, so he went. Even his attempts at remaining in the back were futile since Poe literally dragged him to the front raw behind the altar with him, their previous conversation giving him enough confidence to do so.

Ben glanced at Rey several times, but he tried to keep his attention away from her. They were in the house of God, and the night before… he decided to take the opportunity to pray for forgiveness, to ask for strength so not leave Rey in a dangerous position. On her part, she hadn’t looked different that morning when he had accompanied her to her morning prayers, she had given him the same smile he had always seen on her, maybe a touch warmer.

Maybe it was just the adrenaline high of the moment, of the aftermath of the battle, of victory, of their wounds… maybe she did regret it but was too afraid to say so. A part of him feared she regretted it, while he also hoped she did, for it would have made things easier. Yet, when she walked to the altar followed by four nuns, Rey briefly turned towards him, a smile brightening her face that was reserved only for him.

His mind wondered in fantasy, in a kinder world where he was never sent away, where he took his place as king; a simpler life, in a way, one in which pledging his life to Rey in front of God and the whole kingdom would have not been a sacrilege.

But alas.

The mass was too long, as they always were, boring, and the preaching annoying beyond comprehension, but Ben managed both to not fall asleep and not show any sign of annoyance on his face. Beside him, Poe seemed entranced by the service, but Ben knew him too well, he was somewhere else with his mind, a light smile forced on his face so to keep up appearances. Rey was the only one who appeared sincerely committed alongside Finn, although the man could sporadically move around to check on the other guards, something Ben envied, especially when the archbishop looked at him as if he could somehow make him disappear with his gaze.

‘ _Finally_ , I’m starving’ Poe exhaled when the mass ended and they left the church for the town hall, where a rich lunch was ready to be served.

‘I’m going back to my tent, I have to map out our next movements’

‘What? Ben, come on! You have to come!’ Poe pleaded.

’I’ve reached my limit of daily interactions Poe, you’ll be just fine. And I _really_ have to prepare our next movements since everyone is too busy drinking to do so’

‘You should have more fun’

‘I’ll leave that to you’ Ben answered before mounting on his horse and riding out of the city, back to the encampment and his tent.

He spent the rest of the day scheming over maps, planning movements of troops and supplies, analysing the reports coming from the territory still under Snoke’s control about the ways Hux was managing his troops. He wrote as well, so much so that his hand began to hurt, but he was in no mood to meet with the war council, and Poe could just deliver his reports without him needing to be there.

When Ben heard horses marching into the encampment, he tensed. He hadn’t spoken to Rey yet, wasn’t sure whether he really wanted to - if he should, at all - but she hadn’t look bothered by what had happened the night before. He didn’t know if he could control himself if she came that night, he wanted so much, and they had pushed the boundaries of what they _could_ well beyond the recommended limit.

He could not do it, he _could not_. She was chosen by God, and he had to stay away, he was drawing her to sin and he really, really could not allow himself to do that, let her down in such a manner. After everything that he had been through, he should knew better. So he sighted in relief when one of his knights came to report that she was to spend the night in the city with the rest of the royal court, as a guest of the council.

Ben took the night to collect himself, to rebuild the mask that he had used to cover up his own inner storm since he left Rome, betrayed by Luke. He needed to do it if he wanted to protect Rey, to aid her as best as he could, and if he wanted to regain the clarity of mind necessary to win the war. The next morning, when she and Poe came back with the rest of the royal entourage, he tried to act the same way he had when they first meet. He was not exactly avoiding her, but he was also not allowing himself to spend more time with her than strictly necessary, although he still rose before dawn to guard her while she knelt with the army chaplain for her morning prayers. She noticed, of course, and she looked hurt by it, but he _had_ to ignore it, it was for the best, after all.

They moved relatively quickly after their victory at Beaugency: some cities surrendered the moment they saw their army approach, some after a brief siege or what could be defined as swift skirmishes, not battles. And so Meung, Patay, Rouvray, Sens, and Troyes were taken back, and they began their march towards Reims, where the sacred oil and the crown that had belong to his grandmother Padme were kept, where a king would be officially crowned.

After their success, which was clearly irritating Hux to Ben’s greatest pleasure, he couldn’t understand how, exactly, the debate with Poe had started. What Ben knew was that he was annoyed by it, and that he was irritated by the fact that Leia came all the way from Chinon to be there in Poe’s tent. Rey was there as well, beautiful as ever while she sat next to Finn, a glass of wine in her hands. Thankfully it was only the five of them, Leia had had the good sense of dismissing the rest of the privy council when matters began to be too personal. It was clear anyway that the princes and dukes of the royal blood were equally divided on the issue, half backing Poe and half backing Ben.

‘I am _not_ getting crowned’ Poe repeated for the tenth time, almost whining like when he was ten.

Ben groaned in frustration, his body sinking into the small sofa even further, a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose.

‘Poe, for the love of God, we’ve discussed this already’ he groaned.

‘Yes we have! We have decided to clear matters _after_ the war is over!’

‘It could take years, we need clear leadership Poe’ said Leia calmly, although she began to look slightly annoyed as well.

‘We have it! _We are_ the royal family and we’re in control! It has worked well so far, hasn’t it?’ Poe exclaimed looking at Rey and Finn for support, but they both stayed silent, smartly refusing to take sides on the issue.

‘Poe, I can’t be crowned, Luke would never give his blessing and I’m… divisive. You can unite the kingdom behind you’ Ben explained, _again._

‘Who said Luke would not give you his blessing?’ snapped Leia.

‘Seriously, mother?’

‘Yes, he’s sorry, he… ‘

‘I don’t want to talk abut it! It doesn’t matter! Me being crowned would divide our supporters, while Poe can gather far more people around him than I ever could. It makes sense, it’s fine, I’m okay with it!’ he replayed trying to control his rage, so not snap back at his mother for mentioning Luke.

Poe snorted.

‘The moment you and Rey get married the whole kingdom will rally behind you, we might even be able to get some territory out of German’s hands without so much as a fight when that happens!’

Ben froze at that, Rey blushed.

‘Poe… ‘ Ben began, trying not to scream. He hadn’t throw a tantrum in years, but he felt a strong impulse to throw one in that moment.

‘He’s not wrong’ mumbled Leia.

He looked at Rey. She was looking at him as well, eyes wide and full of something he could not name, and his whole world narrowed down to her.

’No matter how Luke feels _now_ ’ he began, trying to control his shaking voice, eyes fixed on Rey, hoping she would understand ‘what everyone knows is that he called me a disciple of Satan, after what happened in Rome. If we were to… if we… it would undo everything, it would give power to Snoke’s and Hux’s claims of heresy. I won’t have that, _I won’t.’_

Rey was looking at him with bright eyes, unshed tears, and Ben cold barely control himself, keep his mouth shout because it wouldn’t be right, to say more when there were other people around them. Even if they both trusted Poe, Finn and Leia, this was between them, and Ben felt as if with his previous words he had ruined everything. But maybe it was for the better.

_There was so much that he wanted, so much._

‘How about… we take the crown and the sacred oil and say that the king will be crowned after we take Paris? Rey has seen that we will so…’ Finn proposed and Ben nodded, incapable of speaking, eyes still locked with Rey’s.

‘I will write to Luke’ said Leia standing up, and that caught Ben’s attention.

‘Why? So he can send someone to finish the job and kill me for good?’

Rey’s hands trembled slightly at that, and she almost lost her grip on the glass she was holding, some drops of red wine falling on her fingers.

‘He was… it was a mistake, a terrible one, he regrets it, _I regret it, sending you away_ ’ Leia answered, extremely controlled in her every moment so not to let them see how much he had hurt her, again, although this time Ben wasn’t sorry.

‘Good. We’ll do as Finn said, which, by the way, was what I wanted to do since the beginning’ Poe exclaimed breaking the tension.

Ben could see Rey in the corner of his eyes while Poe continued to talk, her eyes fixed on her shoes, and suddenly he couldn’t breath.

_Did she wanted him like he wanted her?_

No, they _could not._

It was so much easier to suffer in silence, knowing that she didn’t reciprocate, but if she did… God, _if she did_ … how was he supposed to control himself from spiralling closer and closer to her? To stop in his steps every time she was close enough so that he could reach out and hold her hand?

She was chosen by God, he had to remember that, and she couldn’t, he couldn’t allow himself to push her toward sin.

Poe and Leia were still talking about Luke, about what to say to the court when they reached Reims only for no king to be crowned, and he felt out of breath. He stormed off the tent and tried not to run. It had rained for the past two days and his feet stumped in the mud that covered the whole encampment, thick grey clouds covering the sky and the sound of thunder announcing the arrival of yet another storm.

They could not advance in the rain, in the mud; they could not force the troops to march with wet feet in case Reims proved insensible to their diplomatic treats to surrender peacefully. If they needed to fight, they could not lose soldiers to fevers and colds, so it was better to stay still and try to keep the morale up. Hux wouldn’t move south to chase them anyway, he trusted the defence of his strongholds in Normandy and around Paris so much that he didn’t care about them advancing towards Reims. Ben forced himself to think about that, about what needed to be done, on everything but Rey while he reached his tent. Once inside he took off his wet shoes and socks, pacing angrily on the carpets that covered the floor of his tent while a fire burned calmly in the small stove placed at the centre of it.

He tried to look at the maps again, but he couldn’t concentrate enough, so he ended up sitting on the floor next to the stove, without his shirt so that it could dry the wet dampness away, sharpening his sword with careful movements of a wet stone.

This time, he heard her coming.

She stood by entrance, feet covered in mud and completely wet from the rain that had begun to fall hard minutes before, eyes full of determination, as always, and an expression he couldn’t decipher while she kept a hand on her sword.

‘Fight me’ she said.

Confused, he stood up, turning around so to see her.

She diverted her gaze briefly, not expecting his naked chest, but then her eyes studied him carefully, every scar, every detail… he gulped, hoping for both of them that she would find him unattractive. He had so many scars, she must have found him repulsive.

‘What?’ he asked, voice dry.

‘You’re a prince of the royal blood. To… to hit you is to lose a hand, and I like my hands, but I’m also very angry at you, so fight me’

‘I would never allow anyone to take your hands’ he said suddenly confused by her reasoning ‘you can hit me, you can touch…’ he stopped himself, closing his eyes briefly, his right hand clasping his sword more tightly. He needed to change the subject, and quickly. ‘You’re going to get sick, you need to get dry and change’ he added not looking at her, staring at his bare feet.

She threw a metal mug at him, hitting him right in the chest, startling him.

‘Stop avoiding me, you idiot!’ she practically screamed, fece red with rage and tears and Ben was thankful of the storm that was shaking the encampment outside, the rain pouring down of the tent so hard that he had almost difficulty hearing her.

‘ _They are the heretics!_ Snoke and Hux! They can lie all they want, fool themselves all they want, but they will _never_ rule France!’ she added. ‘So don’t… don’t… you think I don’t know? That we shouldn’t?’

She looked more sad than angry now, and Ben was grateful that she kept her distance, because he would have done everything she asked of him, everything to made her happy again. He loved her so much, every day more if that was even possible. Her compassion, her faith, determination, the strength of her not only in battle, but in her soul…

‘We can’t’

‘ _We shouldn’t!_ It’s written nowhere that just because God gave me visions we can’t… He gave visions to you too! The only _can’t_ here is that you’re a _prince_ , the possible _king_ and you can’t even say I’m some common peasant girl because I’ve never farmed in my life! I’m just a nobody, I’m nothing’ she said, her cheeks wet with tears and eyes so full of sadness Ben couldn’t stand it anymore.

He moved slowly, but he was finally in front of her.

‘Not to me’

She looked so surprised by his words, and Ben just stopped thinking. The rain was falling hard outside, and they were alone again. He didn’t know if she felt the same, but he had always felt alone, except with her.

He offered her his hand, and she took it.

They were both breathing hard, and Ben kept his eyes on her face while he bowed in front of her, helping her out of her muddy shoes, and then out of her wet pants, her shirt. He damned himself for a second, looking at her in her small clothes, following the fading bruises on her skin with his eyes, drinking in her beautiful body, before he took his softest cloak and covered her with it, in what he hoped felt like a cocoon of warmness and comfort.

She swallowed when he moved closer again, she was so small compared to him that she had to look up, and if he bowed his head just a little… he could kiss her.

_Couldn’t, shouldn’t, it was still a no, it had to be._

Ben placed a hand on the small of her back and walked her to his bed. They sat down like they did the night of their first victory, and in the silence broken only by the rain hitting the roof on the tent, they both relaxed while Ben once again braided her hair.

‘You should rest’ he told her standing up when he was done, so to avoid a repetition of the events of _that_ night. It was still raining strong outside, and he would never send her out to get wet again.

Rey let herself fall on his bed softly, facing him and without tearing her gaze away from him.

‘You too’ she added, a light smile, almost a smirk on her beautiful lips.

He had seen her growl in battle, and almost got an arrow in his neck because of how spellbound he had been. She was probably going to be the death of him and he was perfectly fine with that.

Ben smiled at her attempt. They were both being selfish about it, the plan God had made them part of was bigger than them, and _yet._

Still shirtless, he sat down on the floor next to the bed, their heads so close she extended her arm and moved her hand through his hair without difficulty. Ben’s eyes fluttered close, the warmth of her, of the tent, of everything between them…

‘I’ll look over you’ he forced himself to say.

‘I don’t need you to, I want you to rest’

‘I can rest here very well.’

‘You’re a bad liar, Ben’ Rey answered back without pause, smiling warmly at his stubbornness.

His eyes were at the entrance of the tent, thoughtfully closed as best as it could be, the rain still pouring hard outside.

‘It will damn us both’ he repeated out loud, to himself more than to her.

‘I don’t know what you hear in church, but I’ve never heard of love being a sin’ she answered knowingly, and his heart stopped.

_Love..._

Ben stood up immediately, moving almost unconsciously as he climbed on the bed settling behind her, holding her so close he could _feel_ the shape of her body against his, heart still beating in his chest so fast he though it might explode. Rey relaxed in his arms, sighting happily while he buried his face in her hair, leaving a kiss behind her neck and giving up any resemblance of control, following his heart.

‘We won’t make a habit out of this, just this time’ he murmured.

She hummed.

‘And the next’

‘Rey…’

‘Just one more, so that I can hold you too’

Ben tried not to cry at that, but a couple of tears escaped him anyway.

'It’s okay, I feel it too’ Rey said softly, lacing her fingers with his.

Lulled by the soft sound of her breath, Ben fell asleep.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben kept his eyes on that splash of blood for the whole ceremony, and both Leia and Poe noticed, although they said nothing about it. He hoped that made them understand that he was not fit to be king, he would be too much like Anakin. He was not a good person, damaged even before he split his soul by killing Han, and the blessing he had received by being allowed to be so close to Rey was not an absolution.

Diplomacy worked, and Reims opened its gates the moment their marching army became visible in the distance. They were welcomed by a mass of people cheering them, and Ben was surprised of hearing small groups call for his name as well.

It had been almost five days since he and Rey slept together in his bed, and despite how dangerous the situation had been - the misunderstanding that could never be rectified if someone had found them like that - he had been partially satisfied with himself that sleep was all they did for a couple of house, before she slipped away from his tent in the dark. The sun had shone brightly in the sky the next day, and they had marched since then. While remembering Rey’s distress and his own he had not gone out of his way to avoid her, Ben had made sure to be as busy as he could be, so to not create other _opportunities_ for them to be alone.

Rey was busy as well, after the envoy sent by Reims’ council had reached them with the news of surrender, she had began to speak with the privy council, the archbishop, the captains, stressing how they needed to keep going, to push towards Paris and fulfil God’s plan.

Whilst most of the princes and dukes of the royal blood had agreed - probably spurred by their momentum - that to crown a king in Notre Dame would be better and more significant than to crown one in Reims, Rey’s plea to keep pushing hard was received warmly at best. War was an effort beyond the pure military of the battlefield, there were political and monetary interests weighing in as well, and Rey still had to learn that. Ben had tried to warn her, but her stubbornness was both her strength and weakness, she was soon to discover that not even a mission from God could persuade those who dwelled in politics away from their means of diplomacy in order to obtain what they wanted, which was power, usually, or money, or both.

The service in the abbey was purely for show: the archbishop showed the crown and oil and referred vaguely on how it was finally back in the hands of the legitimate ruler of France, whether that was him or Poe. Ben hoped it was Poe, he would have not been a good king. As he had heard his father whisper too many times in his youth, he had too much of Anakin in him, and Anakin had been a _terrible_ king. The splash of blood that could not be washed away from the sapphire on the crown was a testimony of that, of when Anakin blinded by fear and hate, in his paranoia, had killed Padme. It was only the intervention of Obi-Wan, the then captain of the kingsguard, that had avoided the worst, saving Leia, Luke, and the dynasty by placing the kingdom under the regency of Bail Organa until Leia came of age.

Ben kept his eyes on that splash of blood for the whole ceremony, and both Leia and Poe noticed, although they said nothing about it. He hoped that made them understand that he was not fit to be king, he would be too much like Anakin. He was not a good person, damaged even before he split his soul by killing Han, and the blessing he had received by being allowed to be so close to Rey was not an absolution.

That night there was a feast, the whole city invited but, as always, Ben retired in his room - an actual room after months of marching - in the palace that was usually reserved to the city council. He sat at the desk by candlelight, parchment in front of him and pen in his hand, looking for the right words. Luke had not answered Leia’s letter - he probably hadn’t received it yet - but his mother had insisted for him to write to Luke as well to sort out the mess that Rome still was, in order to settle Snoke and Hux’s claims of heresy.

_I don’t know what I did exactly to deserve waking up to you and your knife, ready to strike me down. What I know is that Rey’s cause is just, her visions true, and it would help, since I am leading the army, if you could rectify momentarily your opinion of me to the world. The apprentice of Satan, or whatever you called me, cannot accompany a prophet chosen by God. I understand if you do not want to do this for me, I don’t expect you to. Do it for Leia, do it for Rey._

It was all Ben could write, neat and clear in a good calligraphy. He had always been good with pen and ink as much as he was with a sword, one of the few things he took pride in. Writing his own dispatches and letters was relaxing, and it kept him occupied enough so that he needn’t to see Rey even when he wished to.

It was while that thought crossed his mind that the door to his chambers opened slowly, and Ben didn’t even have to turn around to know that it was Rey.

‘Did you know?’

She sounded disappointed more than angry.

‘I tired to tell you, you wouldn’t listen’ he answered standing up, finally facing her.

She kept insisting on wearing men’s clothes and Ben didn’t mind, he didn’t care, no matter the comments he had heard from many after they entered Reims.

_He loved her so much._

‘He’s not trustworthy!’

‘I know’

‘Than how can you let it happen?’

‘Because we have to try, because the men need to rest from marching for more than five days, because we cannot go to war on two fronts and because it will damage Snoke as well, because we need time to get more money… I can go on, Rey’ he never spared her the truth, she seemed to appreciate that in him while many had found it irritating.

She crossed her arms, clearly unhappy with the situation.

‘What if he betrays us?’

‘There’s not much more damage that he can do’ Ben admitted looking at her moving around his chambers, until she sat down on his bed with a sight.

He closed his eyes.

‘Rey, _please’_

‘I’m tired’

’Reims is big, there are eyes and ears everywhere, and some are still loyal to Snoke’ he had to make her see reason, because what if someone saw them?

‘The fountain in the square is literally overflowing with wine, Ben. Beside you agreed, one more time, so that I can hold you’ she replayed with a smile, taking off her jacket and shoes, moving on the bed so that there was space for him.

He just couldn’t say no to her. He would have followed her to end of the earth.

‘Alright’ he said moving a hand through his hair, blowing away all the candles beside the one on the nightstand next to the bed.

Bathed in the warm orange light, in his bed and waiting for him with a sincere smile, Rey was the most beautiful thing Ben had ever seen. She warmed his soul, his whole life, he never though someone could _want him_ , but there she was.

It should have been ridiculous the though of her holding him, she was so small and he was huge in comparison, and when he lay down with his back to her, Rey forced him to turn towards her.

‘Not like that’ she whispered, their faces so close.

He _really_ wanted to kiss her.

She tugged him closer, and then she was holding him tight, his head resting on her chest and her heartbeat the sweetest of music in his ears.

A comfortable silence fell between them, and Ben was almost asleep when she spoke.

‘I keep seeing the flames’ she murmured ‘I’m scared of them’

Ben propped himself up on his elbows to look at her, sensing her distress, her fear. Rey’s hands were firm in his hair, cupping his face.

‘I’ll be with you’

’That’s what I’m scared of’

There was such a deep sadness in her eyes, and something sinked in his soul: dread, fear that they might not make it through the war.

They could not fall into those kinds on thoughts, not if they wanted to remain sharp, if they wanted to continue to fight at the best of their abilities.

‘We’re here now’ he said pressing his forehead to hers, and then showering her face with light kisses, carefully avoiding her lips, while he listened to their harts and not to what the world demanded of them.

Quickly, the tension left Rey’s body, her muscles relaxing under his hands, and with a last kiss on her collarbone, Ben rested his head on her chest while she held him once again, humming happily.

Ben woke up first, before dawn, to find their legs tangled together, their faces mere centimetres apart so that he could see every detail of her face, the shadow of her lashes on her cheeks, feel her warm breath on his skin. She looked beautiful, her expression completely relaxed while she slept, a beacon of light beside him. He would have loved nothing better than to stay with her like that forever, forgetting the world, but they were playing with fire, and so he had to wake her up so that no one would see them together in his chambers. Gently, he moved his hand through her hair, caressing her soft skin, moving closer and pressing soft kisses on her cheek. He had completely given up on trying to control himself, especially after it had become clear that she wanted him as well. If moments were all they had, he would have made the best of them. Too late he realised what a bad idea that was, to wake her up like that, how drunk it made him, the taste of her skin under his lips, but Rey began to stir, humming every time he kissed her, every time he moved his hands up and down her back. Soon her hands were on him, on his shoulders, in his hair, her legs around his hips, keeping him flush against her, her mouth on his cheeks, on his neck… and at that he had to move away.

‘It’s time to go’ he murmured in her ear, his right hand moving from her thigh to her ankle in a gentle caress, hoping she would loosen her hold on him before he lost control.

She was so relaxed, so content, it felt like a crime to force her to move. Ben had never had a chance to be gentle in his life - always fighting angrily, hurting others, himself - but he wanted to be gentle for her, to touch her softly but with passion, because she was precious to him...

‘I don’t want to’ she muttered, voice thick with sleep.

‘I know’ he sighted understanding all to well.

They got up slowly, reluctantly, and without speaking they dressed and made themselves presentable for the outside world. It had been no more than fifteen minutes and Ben already missed being able to hold her close. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so peacefully, without nightmares.

They didn’t speak about it, but Rey had that warm smile on her face that was reserved only for him, and Ben smiled as well. They left his chambers after he checked that no one was around and they made straight for the abbey. The two of them walking together at dawn was not a strange sight, it was what they always did: Rey went to pray and Ben followed, ready to stand guard behind her. No one would have suspected a thing, he hoped.

Rey usually prayed for an hour, two if she had a vision, but not even thirty minutes after she started, Finn entered the abbey walking down the aisle with haste, a knight of the kingsguard following him.

‘The envoy is here with the terms of the treaty, Poe wants you to be there’ he said ‘sorry, Rey’ Finn added as soon as he saw her rose to her feet.

‘I don’t trust this DJ, he cares only for himself. He will betray us the fist moment he sees fit’ Rey muttered, clearly irritated at the fact that the treaty was slowing down their advance on Paris.

‘We know that, and it’s good. It means he’s not loyal to Snoke either’ he replayed trying to make her see why it mattered ‘with the treaty signed, he won’t attack our troops, which means we can get fresh soldiers from the south quickly since we can pass near the borders of his duchy without fear of him attacking us’

Ben wanted to move closer, put a hand on her arm to relax the tension he could see in her muscles, but they weren’t alone, so he stood still.

‘Let’s go’ Ben sighted when Rey turned her back to him, kneeling once again in front of the altar.

Finn followed him, leaving Rey alone with the kingsguard, but when they left the abbey Ben saw his knights - the small detachment that looked over Rey - approaching on their horses. He didn’t need to say anything to them, a look and they knew to keep watch over her.

Half of the day was spent in the council hall, and Ben lingered in the back while Poe and Leia - far better at diplomacy than him - looked over the terms of the treaty from the envoy sent by DJ. Threepio crafted the treaty itself with precise calligraphy without sparing them the annoying commentary that Ben, in his self imposed exile, had certainly not missed.

They all knew that DJ would have betrayed them as soon as he saw an opportunity for himself, but they had to seize the occasion, move more troops north and march ahead in the momentum that Rey had created for them. Poe eyed him discreetly, asking one more time if they should do it, but when Ben signed, he signed the treaty as well.

Whilst Leia kept the envoys occupied with small talk and wine, Ben took the chance to talk to Poe before excusing himself.

‘Get the envoys drank, get them whores, whatever can keep them occupied during the night and knock out for at least half of tomorrow. I have fast riders ready with dispatches to our troops down south, I’ll get them going’

‘Alright’ Poe nodded, but he bit his lips and Ben knew he had something to add.

‘What is it?’

‘I asked Finn to be the one to tell you, but he heard this morning that one of the maids who helps one of the wifes of the city councillors was saying that Rey didn’t go back to her room’.

Ben stilled, but Poe was quick, putting a hand on his shoulder as a reassurance.

‘Apparently the other maids didn’t believe her, and one of the nuns stepped in saying that Rey is very tidy, gets up very early for her prayers after making her bed so… it was a close one but, are you…?’

‘No! No! I would… I would _never_ … we’re just sleeping, it’s…’ Ben stuttered, feeling a flush raising on his face.

Poe didn’t laugh, he smiled kindly, understanding.

‘You’re different, and yet similarly very lonely. I am glad you found comfort in each other. It’ll be easier once we’re marching again, you know how city gossip is’

‘Thank you’ Ben said breathing again ’brother’ he added, because the way Poe was supporting him meant the world to him against the storm he still felt inside.

Poe’s eyes sparkled with joy, but Ben couldn’t linger on it. He left the palace of the city council in a hurry, taking is horse outside of the city’s walls, where half of the army had set up camp, and sent the riders on their way south. Then it was just meeting after meeting with captains and quartermasters, discussions on provisions and troops movements in a rhythm Ben knew well. Many still saw him as the patricidal prince, but they respected his knowledge of war, and that was enough for the army to move around him like a well oiled machine, with the exception of the whining green princes who had never seen war and pretended to know all during meetings. Ben was able not to scream at them only because he only half listened since, around midday, Rey had begun to train with his knights not far from his tent, and he could her clearly. Whether she had chosen the spot on purpose he didn’t know, but her presence was soothing, and Ben managed to get to the end of the day without harming anyone, screaming only once or twice.

Finn came to see him before dinner, confirming that Poe was treating the envoys with lots of wine, food, and women.

‘I’ll stay here then’ Ben answered rolling up yet another map.

‘I will look after him’ Finn added sensing his worry for Poe, and Ben nodded.

‘I know you will’

Finn moved to leave, but before he could he was almost knocked on the ground by Rey storming into his tent.

‘Oh, Finn! I’m so sorry!’ she exclaimed before turning to Ben ‘First a treaty with an untrustworthy man and now whores?!’ she screamed.

‘I have to go’ Finn said sensing the tension and leaving quickly, carefully closing the tent behind him.

‘If you want troops to attack Paris, we need to summon them. If we keep the envoys occupied long enough, we can get some advantage before Hux knows that we’re moving’

‘But _whores_ , Ben!’

‘Yes! Whores!’ he answered raising his voice ‘They’re even in Rome sleeping with the Cardinals, the ones that are not sleeping with boys, at least!’

She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, clearly not knowing what to say, before she turned away from him.

Ben moved a hand through his hair, sighting.

‘As soon as the first reinforcement joins us, we move to Saint Denis. You and Poe get the blessing that you need and from there we prepare to attack Paris’

‘You get the blessing too, you know’ she muttered crossing her arms, refusing to look at him.

All of a sudden, Ben felt extremely tired.

‘Someone almost caught us this morning’ he said, and that forced her to turn towards him, but Ben was staring intently at the rolled map he still had in his hand. ‘Your habits shielded us, this time’

‘And?’

‘And…’ he stopped.

There was a thought that he had showed in the back of his mind all day, but that kept coming back every time he reviewed a map, the number of troops from this of that other prince…

Leaving the map on the table, Ben bit his lips and moved until he was in front of her. She was so small compared to him, yet when she looked at him in his eyes Ben could see her as nothing if not an equal, maybe stronger than him, but never weaker.

‘I have observed my mother this morning, doing her thing, politics and diplomacy. We should attack Paris because we have a momentum, because we should try, but… I don’t think we will take it’ he finished slowly, rage clearly building in Rey’s eyes.

‘I _saw_ it!’

‘I know!’

‘Than why are you not believing in me?’ she asked, and the pain in her voice cut through him like a knife. Unconsciously, he moved closer, cupping her face while her hands rested on his.

‘I _believe_ you, Rey! I really do! But Paris doesn’t _want_ to be taken, the people are still loyal to Snoke. Hux has too many troops in the city and in Normandy in case of a siege, their front is still too unite. The attack would be symbolic, showing where we can go, what we can do, but then we should move back…’

‘Like cowards!’ she interrupted him, her hands strengthening her hold on him.

‘No, Rey, God, why can’t you see? We _need_ my mother’s diplomacy, we need the people of Paris and the other cities to lose faith in Hux, we need to destabilise them inside a little, then we can attack and have an actual chance of winning!’

She didn’t appear satisfied by his explanation, at all.

‘Have you told this to someone?’

‘I was planning to speak to the war council tomorrow, or as soon as Poe is sober again’

She let him go, and Ben moved away from her, giving her space.

Rey moved around his tent a bit, clearly angry at being stopped, once again, in her mission for God.

‘So we’ll do what? Attack Paris with only half of our forces?’ she asked clearly angry.

‘No. You’ve never been to Paris, its defences are impressive. I’ll give you the whole army, but I don’t expect us to be able to breach the walls. They are too high and too well defended. I should know, my grandfather built them’

‘Maybe I will tell you _I told you so_ in Notre Dame, what do you know?’ she answered smirking.

Ben couldn’t help his smile. If he had a say, and if they ever managed to win Paris, he would ask her to marry him the moment they entered Notre Dame triumphantly.

‘You would?’ she asked with a mix of shock and awe in her voice.

‘Did I say that out lout?’ he said cursing himself. She was still waiting for his response and Ben could do little more than nod.

‘Of course I would, if you would have me, but we can’t and…’

Before he could finish, he felt Rey’s hands around his neck, pushing him down, and then their lips met. He answered immediately, meeting her fervour and pushing her against him. She clearly didn’t know what she was doing, and Ben took charge of the kiss, deepening it.

‘Okay?’ he asked when they broke apart for air, fearing he might have took it too far.

He had… only a little more experience than her, he supposed.

‘Yes, yes, yes’ she answered, hands in his hair yanking him down for another kiss, and another, and another ‘I’ll have you.’

Ben almost moaned in her mouth, hands traveling up and down her back whilst they kept kissing, the act so intoxicating his mind couldn’t take over to remind him how forbidden it was.

‘I’ll take Paris for God, and Notre Dame for you, so that we can get married there’ she whispered on his lips.

They were both smiling too much for the kiss that followed to be good. Ben never wanted to stop, never wanted to let her go. But then she became inconsistent in his arms, and suddenly he was somewhere else. In dark throne room with the red curtains, Snoke on his throne, Hux smiling at him while they discussed how they had Poe’s army tied at the end of a string, the Supremacy undulating under his feet, moved by the rough waves of the baltic sea. Then he was in the mud, fingers frozen, his throat raw as if he had screamed for hours. After that, all Ben could see were the flames, so hot on his skin, burning everything, Rey screaming his name in the distance.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fierce, determined woman, that he had seen lead an entire army into battle, who fought fiercely like her armour weighted nothing… he loved her, and he was grateful that he was allowed to see her like this, that she trusted him so much to show herself vulnerable. It was the greatest of blessing, her wanting him.

The first thing Ben felt when he woke up was the familiar numbness and confusion in his mind, the residual adrenaline on the tip of his fingers left after every nightmare. There were voices around him, someone gently running a cold cloth on his forehead, and when he opened his eyes, he met Rey’s worried gaze.

‘ _Ben_ ’ she murmured, her hands immediately cupping his face gently.

He could see Poe and Leia approaching, but Rey seemed not to care. She kissed him lightly on the lips and he brushed her cheek with his knuckles, where he could see the trails left by her dried tears.

‘The last time it was this bad he was barely eight years old’ Leia said, kneeling next to his bed near Rey, brushing his hair away from his face.

Ben was confused by his mother’s tenderness, by how everyone ignored that Rey had just kissed him.

‘You really scared us’ Poe sighted pacing up and down the tent, giving him worried glances, Finn moving with him. Poe was always restless when worried, in need of constant movement to order the thoughts swirling in his mind.

‘I had… a vision… again?’ he asked confused, remembering pieces of what he had happen, what he had seen, the fear he had felt and… ‘ _the flames_ , I saw the flames…’

‘Oh God, _no_ ’ Rey murmured bowing her head and resting it on his chest, sobbing silently.

Ben was still confused and, with difficulty, he moved his hand in her hair, trying to sooth her. He never meant to make her cry.

‘What does it mean?’ Leia asked carefully.

Neither him nor Rey answered. They had never even spoken about it plainly between themselves, knowing all too well that the dread left by the flames in Rey’s soul was not a good sign.

Leia breathed harder, raising on her feet and trying to remain calm, understanding.

‘I’ll write to Luke’ she said looking carefully over Ben.

He was surprised when she bowed down to leave a kiss on his forehead.

‘You need to rest’ she added taking charge of the situation ‘we stick to the plan, we can wait until the reinforcement arrive, Luke will respond by then. Now you just rest, Poe can take over your duties while you recover, right?’

‘Of course, of course!’ Poe agreed moving forward. ‘Finn has talked to your captain, we made sure you won’t be disturbed, at least for tonight and tomorrow. You need absolute quiet and rest.’

Ben nodded, the confusion in his head slowly dissipating while his hand was still tracing delicate patterns in Rey’s hair. She was still crying silently on his chest when Ben thanked them when they left them alone.

‘I can’t lose you, not to the flames’ she sobbed, her hands clenching on his shirt, her fingers leaving marks on his skin underneath.

‘Come here’ he muttered.

Rey climbed on the small cot next to him, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, kissing the crown of her head.

‘I’ll be by your side’

‘I’ve been alone so long, and I don’t… I can’t lose you. What would you do if I died?’

He tensed.

‘I wouldn’t survive it’ he confessed ‘but we’re here now. Together’

‘Yes’ she murmured, burrowing further into him. ‘You keep saying that, but it doesn’t make it better’.

They stayed in comfortable silence for a while, Ben moving his hand up and down her back to calm her.

‘Do you think it was a punishment, because we kissed, because we dared to believe we could… ?’ she asked in a whisper, afraid as much as he was of the answer, her hand on his chest over his heart.

‘No, no… I think… we’ve… it’s me He’s punishing, if anything, not you’

‘But… He shouldn’t, He must know we have to do this together, He knows, He wanted us… he _wanted_ us to be together, He showed you to me!’ she said gaining more strength with every word, raising herself up so she could kiss him again, hard.

‘Okay. Okay. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t had visions in a while, that’s why I passed out. It’s going to be okay, Rey. We’re so close now, maybe God has decided to grant me visions to help you, despite my sins, because He knows I would follow you to the end of the earth’ he answered between kisses, feeling the tension leaving her body under his arms.

She seemed content with his answer, and they kissed until Ben feel asleep. Somehow, he knew Rey looked over him for part of the night when he woke up around midday, curled around her.

Careful not to wake her, he stood up and looked for water, something to eat. It had been more than a decade since his last vision, the last time he had had one he had still been in Rome, and Luke had been clearly worried by what he had seen, calling it another vision of darkness, forcing him for hours on his knees to pray for forgiveness.

Suddenly, he remembered that besides the flames, he had seen frozen mud, and that brief conversation between Hux and Snoke, the Supremacy in the waters of the Baltic sea. He had to discuss that with Poe, the war council, find out it there was some truth to it. Ben couldn’t help it, after all Luke had told him, he doubted himself, that his visions might not be as pure as Rey’s.

‘Stop it’

Startled, he turned around to see her sitting on his cot, rubbing the sleep away from her eyes.

‘I didn’t do anything’

‘I could see you spiralling from over here’

Ben chuckled, a little nervous that she could read him so well.

‘Poe said they will leave us alone for today, come back here with me. Let’s pretend, just for today…’ she said, looking at her bare feet, fearing rejection.

Crossing the tent, Ben kneeled in front of her, slowly raising her chin so that she was looking at him. This fierce, determined woman, that he had seen lead an entire army into battle, who fought fiercely like her armour weighted nothing… he loved her, and he was grateful that he was allowed to see her like this, that she trusted him so much to show herself vulnerable. It was the greatest of blessing, her wanting him.

‘You’re really testing my self-control, Rey’

‘I know…’ she answered, her lips slowly moving into a smile again ‘but I trust your chivalry, my prince’

Ben rolled his eyes when she called him that, faking annoyance. Rey laughed, and he couldn’t help himself, moving forward to taste her laugh on his lips.

‘Oh, on my honour, then’ he whispered, a hand on his heart.

Rey smiled again, and Ben followed her on the cot, content to simply lay down with her. They stayed like that as much as they could, whispering thoughts and secrets and sweet nothings, interrupted often by kisses and wondering hands. Ben couldn’t remember a time in which he had been more at peace, content, happy; the heart he had thought dead for so long now beating fast, full of love for Rey.

It was late in the afternoon when they finally got up, getting dressed in a comfortable silence. It would have been nice to have more time, but Ben needed to see if what he had seen in his vision beside the fire could be true. With some manoeuvring, including Rey hiding behind some barrels at some point, it looked like they met while walking towards Poe’s tent, instead of coming together from Ben’s. The sneaking around was uncomfortable, but Rey was smiling, trying not to laugh, and her happiness lifted Ben’s spirit as well.

'What disaster did you made while I was gone?’ Ben asked entering Poe’s tent.

He was talking with Leia over some maps, Finn beside him, together with the captain of the Kinghts of Ren and the duke of Orleans.

The captain and the duke bowed to him, then they kissed Rey’s hand with reverence.

'We were discussing the movements of our reinforcements, my prince’ the duke said pointing with his finger the route on the map their reinforcements were taking ‘now that we can pass near Burgundy land without fear of an attack, and the good weather, they’ll be here in a couple of days’

'Good, we should start to prepare to move to Saint Denis then. I don’t want a too large party to arrive at the city all at once, we need them on our side. We shouldn’t scare them’ Ben noted looking over the maps.

'That is a very good idea’ Leia agreed, and Poe nodded as well.

'Is there any news of Snoke? Is he travelling? Do we have some intelligence on him and Hux?’ Ben asked, trying to look casual.

‘Uh, no, my prince, should I look into it?’ his captain asked.

‘Did our blessed maiden saw something?’ the duke asked looking briefly at Rey, and Ben found himself suddenly incapable of speaking, all eyes on him.

He couldn’t just say he had a vision, he was still… whatever Luke had made him, whatever he had made himself after Rome and Snoke.

‘Yes, I did’ Rey stepped in, covering for him ‘I saw Snoke, on a boat in the Baltic sea, the Supremacy, debating with Hux how they had our army in their grasp. I think it’s the future, but we should look out for it, right my prince?’ she finished looking at him.

‘Yes, we should do that’ Ben answered carefully.

‘I’ll look into it immediately’ his captain replayed.

‘Leave us, please’ Poe dismissed both the captain and the duke, and once they were out of the tent, he turned towards Ben. ‘You saw that last night?’

‘Yeah’ Ben said, gulping down air.

It made him nervous, to talk about his visions. What if people just started to shout at him, or to look at him the way Luke had?

‘So, now we have two who can see the future. I think God’s definitely on our side. Let’s take Paris!’ Poe exclaimed excited, raising his fist in the air, binding smile.

Finn and Leia smiled with him, even Rey joined in his little happy celebration. But all Ben could feel was a sense of dread, of impending doom, the darkness inside him once again moving restlessly. It was one of those moments in which he already felt like a ghost.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horns blowed, the sign for the battalions on the side to move to protect and reinforce their attack, and then the men screamed, charging ahead with him and Rey, their passage turning the green grass field brown under their pace, the hoofs of their horses digging into the earth.

They marched on Saint Denis two days later, and after another day, their reinforcements began to join them. In those three days, Ben had seen very little of Rey. It hadn’t been intentional, he was trying his best to quiet the dread he felt inside, supervising and planning every little detail of their attack on Paris. They had the numbers, they had _some_ of the support, they had Rey and God, but Ben still felt as if they weren’t going to make it. It wasn’t like he was afraid they might die, somehow he knew, deep down, that he was not going to die in Paris, or outside of its walls, but still… they wouldn’t take Paris, not this time.

‘Don’t be a pessimist’ Poe kept scolding him, Leia smiling lightly, always close.

‘This is what everything has been leading up to, this is what we were meant to do’ Rey repeated, eyes shining with hope and determination.

Ben felt only dread, no matter how much he planned, how much hope the most important persons in his life had, he felt as if something was going to go wrong. They were going to lose this one. This wasn’t _it_ , but no one listened to him. He wasn’t really bothered by that, the higher the morale remained, the better chances they had.

Still.

They remained in Saint Denis for another four days, so that the various battalions could reach the place from which they would march on Paris, supporting the main charge on the flanks or waiting behind as reinforcements. Ben’s anxiety only became stronger, but it was subdued at night since Rey had taken to slip into his tent, forcing him away from the table covered in maps to catch a few hours of sleep before dawn. It was always easier to sleep with her, his nightmares didn’t disturb him, and her presence was soothing for his soul.

‘I like this too, what’s between us’ Rey said on the night of the third day, spooning him from behind, her face pressed on the back of his neck.

Ben took her hand and placed light kisses on her knuckles, making her sight.

‘I like to think this is how it will be soon, once we’re married’ she added.

Ben turned around to face her, she was smirking.

‘Once we’re married, I have other ideas on how to spend our nights together’

‘Oh, really?’

Rey laughed, her hands slipping under his shirt, moving on his chest, alternating gentle caresses with light scratches of her fingernails. Two nights before, she had bitten him playfully, she liked to mark him as hers, Ben thought, and he truly didn’t mind. He _was_ hers.

‘You really need to relax’ she added, and then one of her hands disappeared into his pants, and Ben found himself incapable of thinking.

He could only look at her through eyes blurred by pleasure, his forehead against hers, seeking her mouth and moving against her touch.

‘I made a mess of you’ she said after he came, his throat too dry to reply while she gently peppered kisses on his face.

Rey was smiling, clearly pleased, and Ben moved away with difficulty. He had to change his pants, and she never looked away while he did.

‘You didn’t have to’ he said before climbing into the small cot again, cuddling close to her.

‘I wanted to’ she replied immediately, expecting his objection.

Despite her being the almost saint, he was always the one objecting about their actions, how they didn’t comply closely with the church’s teachings.

‘I liked the sounds you made. I thought you would be as quiet as you always are, but you made those little sounds, because of _me_ ’ Rey added biting her lower lip, her eyes fixed on his, shining with happiness and pleasure.

‘Has anyone ever done that to you?’ she asked, and Ben realised he was supposed to say something, not just stare silently into her eyes like a fool… but he always was a fool when it came to her, and she had just… he still had to come back from his orgasm, from her hands on him.

‘No, just you’

Rey looked extremely pleased by that.

‘I’m glad we can… learn that together’

‘Me too’ he said moving closer, his arms finally pulling her flush against him, and when she sighted happily, Ben closed his eyes. Everything could be falling apart, but nothing made him feel whole and wanted and loved like Rey’s gaze on him, the way she held him, the way she always came for him even when he became difficult, distant and brooding.

The next day was spent entirely on last-minute preparations for the attack and, to Ben’s insistence, on a complete revision of the plan so that everyone knew exactly what do to, even in case of tactical retreat. Poe and Rey both scoffed at that, but they humoured him and let him take the lead in the war council. The night before the battle, Rey was clearly fidgety and excited. Although she hadn’t had a vision since before he had his almost a week before, she still believed that this was it, that they were going into battle to win the war the next morning. Ben had given up trying to make her see his point days before, so he just nodded absently, just mesmerised at how she looked even more beautiful when she spoke of something that excited her. To his surprise, she started talking about what she would do the moment they entered Paris, how she would drag him to Notre Dame and take him as her husband, whether the archbishop agreed or not to celebrate (‘I’ll put my sword under his chin, see how fast he’ll agree to celebrate then’ she had said with a playful smirk which had him spellbound).

‘You still want to merry me, you still think it’s a good idea’ he exclaimed surprised.

‘You love me, I love you. I will have you, you will have me. What’s so bad about the idea of making it official?’

‘You know what I mean’

‘You’re such a pessimist these days’

Rey smiled, kissing him until he melted under her hands, until he fell asleep in her arms, and there was no more discussion about it. There was little to discuss anyway, the more Rey repeated how much she wanted him, the less Ben cared about what everyone might think.

The next morning, they prepared together. Finn, Poe and Leia joined them in in his tent whilst they wore their armour. It was not even dawn and they were already arguing, their voices muffled by the sounds of soldiers preparing to march outside Ben’s tent.

‘Don’t be stupid’ Poe repeated for the tenth time.

’I’m not’ Ben hissed, clearly annoyed, taking up his frustration with the laces that kept his armour sound on his body.

‘Then don’t be as stubborn as your father’ Leia pleaded.

‘Finn will come with you and Rey’ Poe repeated.

Finn was not far, helping Rey into her armour, and once again they both stayed out of what was another small family quarrel.

‘Theres’s no point for him to come, he’s the captain of the kingsguard, his place his next to you’

‘Actually…’

‘Poe, I swear to God, if you sat that technically we’re both king until things are settled I’m gonna punch you right on that pretty nose of yours’ Ben almost screamed.

Rey and Finn had difficulty hiding they laughs.

‘Listen, you have and entire ensemble of your best knights looking over Rey, I have the kingsguard, Leia has the royal guards, and what do you have? You’ve moved your knights into other battalions and…’ Poe tried to explain his point again, but Ben interrupted him.

‘I’m out there looking over Rey’

‘You’re out there leading France’s army’ his mother barged in, scolding him as if he was seven again and forgot how to greet foreign dignitaries properly. ‘Finn will look over you’

‘I can take care of myself’

‘That’s not the point, Ben. What if you get hurt?’ Leia asked again.

Ben turned his attention to his armour.

‘It doesn’t matter’ he muttered. ‘I don’t matter, and I’ll probably deserve it’

‘Finn will come with you, it’s final. We care about you, no matter what’s in that head of yours’ Poe said pushing him, clearly angry at his words.

Ben stumbled on his feet, trying not to lose balance and fall on his ass like an idiot.

‘Fine, whatever’

His agreement seemed to dissipate the tension in the tent, and they finished getting ready rather quickly. Once outside, Poe gave a small speech to the army since he was to stay behind in Saint Denis, and then they were off.

They rode for an hour to reach Paris, and not even Rey riding next to him made Ben feel any better. He feared this battle, not because of the fighting itself, but for what it would do to all of them if they lost - and he had a feeling they would lose. Rey was full of hope and determination, and Ben couldn’t find it in him to wear her down with his worries, so he just fidgeted withe his helmet, keeping it in his lap instead of wearing it.

Once the walls of Paris became visible they stopped, and Rey gave her speech, rising cheers and the morale of the whole army. At least, no one could deny they lacked faith.

Paris’ garrison was ready to defend its walls. Even from a distance, Ben could see the archers behind their niches. He waited for a cloud to pass, so that the sun reflecting on their armours could blind, however briefly, the archers, and then he gave the sign to attack. Horns blowed, the sign for the battalions on the side to move to protect and reinforce their attack, and then the men screamed, charging ahead with him and Rey, their passage turning the green grass field brown under their pace, the hoofs of their horses digging into the earth.

Ben knew it wasn’t going to end well the moment he saw the shower of arrows falling on them, taking down too many horses and knights. From behind them, one of their catapults took some archers out, but even without letting a garrison outside the gate, the walls of Paris were too well built, too well defended. They charged for hours, but arrows kept falling on them, alongside stones, and the occasional caldrons of hot oil spilled from atop the walls, promptly stopping their every attempt to raise a ladder.

Since there was no enemy to fight on the battlefield, only above, swords quickly began to feel heavy and useless, and with dismay Ben saw the morale of the army drop the more the day progressed, the higher the pile of bodies became under the walls. It was grotesque, how in the afternoon they had to step on people he had seen alive only hours before, in order to give it another try. It was everything Ben had tried to avoid, it was a disaster but, most importantly, it was a slaughter.

Rey was not immune to it, to the knights constantly dropping dead like lifeless dolls around her, half of the knights he had assigned to her were dead, but she kept going, shouting for everyone to follow her in fulfilling God’s plan for France. She had her sword in one hand and the flag in the other, a too clear target, and Ben, so caught up in trying to deflect further reinforcements from getting sent to slaughter, noticed it too late.

An arrow pierced right through her tight, and she fell atop the bodies under the walls with a scream of pain that ripped Ben’s soul to the bone. He screamed for her, and she tried to get up, she _did_ get up, but her step faltered, her words slurred, and Ben panicked.

‘Finn! Retreat! Sound the retreat!’ he screamed while he run to her.

‘On it!’ Finn shouted back, racing away from the walls, and a moment later the horn sounding the retreat of their army cut through the stale late afternoon air.

Shoutings of happiness came from atop the walls, arrows flying more sporadically on them, and when Ben reached her, Rey looked at him with betrayal in her eyes.

’No, we have to keep going, we have to!’

‘We’re losing, we’ll try again, I promise, but we have to go now, you’re hurt’

‘No, we have to keep… keep… going… we… have…’ Rey tried to say, but she lost consciousness, and Ben truly panicked seeing the blood soaking her pants where the arrow had pierced her tight.

‘Finn! Take a horse! Now!’ he shouted without taking his eyes off Rey, but Finn had anticipated him, probably seeing them from a distance, and he was already on a horse.

Ben picked Rey up without too much strain, the adrenaline brought by fear muffling the aching in his muscles after hours of fighting, hoisting her on the horse, to Finn.

‘I’ll be fast’ Finn said, clearly as worried as he was for her.

‘I know, I’ll get our men out’

Finn nodded and then he rode hard and fast, taking her away. Ben tried not to get too caught up in everything, in their defeat, in the number of their losses, in Rey’s condition, and in how all of it was his fault… he began to move around, supervising their retreat and making sure that everyone who was still alive could make it back to their camp. Even though Paris’ garrison had stopped attacking from the walls once they heard the sound of retreat - a kindness they undoubtedly owned to the governor of Paris, a (traitor) prince of the royal blood, certainly not to Hux, who would have slaughter them without much thought - they still had to leave behind those too seriously wounded. Their camp was an hour away while riding slowly, twenty minutes or less if they rode fast - as Ben knew Finn was - and they had too few horses left since he had turned away reinforcements and their side battalions an hour or two before, when he had finally found the courage to save part of the army.

Chewie, Han’s old captain of the royal guards, always talked of how he could never forget the massacre that Anzicourt, how much they had lost that day - Poe’s parents, among others - and Ben knew this was his Anzicourt. He knew he would never forget the piles of bodies under the walls, the stink of death, blood, sweat and mud… Rey’s cry of pain. He had planned for days and he had blatantly failed, letting everyone down, once again. He was so lost in thoughts he didn’t see the gates opening slightly, and a lonely knight venturing out in the bloody battlefield.

The knight was on him before Ben could draw his sword, cruising at him at and the _whore_ they called a maiden. Ben moved swiftly, avoiding the knight’s sword until he could draw his own, but he stumbled on one of the bodies, the side where he had been wounded weeks before at Beaugency aching, as well as all his muscles after an entire day spent trying to storm unbreachable walls. So he faltered, he moved back just in time to avoid the worst, but the tip of the knight’s sword still slashed the skin of his face, from his forehead to his cheek. There was blood in his eyes, but the more the knight insulted Rey, the angrier Ben became, at him, at _everything_ , until with all his force behind each blow, Ben cut the knight’s head clear off his shoulders.

Before others could come out, before someone decided to start attacking him from the walls _again_ , Ben stumbled away, reaching the rear of the last retreating group of men. They look utterly defeated but somehow, the fact that he too was hurt, yet walking with his back straight next to them, seemed to lift their morale. Ben tried to keep his mind under control, focusing on each step instead of the massive failure - the slaughter - he had allowed that day, the disappointment in Rey’s eyes that soon would be shared by everyone. When after almost two hours of slow marching they reached the camp, Leia was the one to greet them at the makeshift gate. She was crying, but she hugged him tightly before pushing him towards the medic’s tent, where Ben was hugged again by Poe.

The medic tried to look at him, but Ben pushed everyone away, looking over Rey, her slim figure laying pale and still in the small cot under a heavy white cotton blanket.

‘She’ll be fine, c’mon, she’ll be fine, it’s okay, it’s okay’ Poe’s voice was thin, tired, while he tried to push him toward the medic, away from Rey.

‘I’ll look over her while you get checked’ Finn said trying to reassure him, still dirty from the battle, Rey’s blood on him.

Ben nodded, moving away, but he somehow lacked control of his body, as if he wasn’t in it. Suddenly, _everything_ crushed down on him, years of hidden pain and fears and, somehow, he ended up crying in his mother’s arms, while she held him close, her hand moving from his hair to his back in a soothing gesture she had repeated thousands of times when he was little and scared. He _was_ little and scared, even if he was almost thirty, at the head of an entire army, and possibly a king. Ben tried to apologise, for his failure, for being a disappointment once again, for breaking down, for ruining his mother’s dress with dirt, tears and blood, but Leia shushed him, her arms tighter around him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was her, awake, alive, and understandably angry at him. He was angry at himself too, so Ben stood still, taking her rage, accepting it. He deserved it, although no one had dared screaming at him like she was.

Saint Denis was safe. They could defend it, so they stayed to regain some of their strength, heal their wounded, ponder what to do next. The governor of Paris didn’t pursue them, knowing all too well that he was strong behind his walls but far too weak in an open field. Ben respected that, truly, he was tankful for it.

The wound on his face, apparently, was to be permanent, following in a grotesque manner the one the Duke of Milan gave him on his lower neck and chest; so now it looked like he had a long scar that started almost from the centre of his forehead down the right side of his face and chest. He didn’t care, other things were on his mind. Rey was still unconscious, feverish, waking up sporadically, too confuse to understand any words of comfort, and Ben was afraid. He was not constantly at her side only because of his duties, because of how he had to to regroup with Poe and decide what to do.

The council had taken their defeat surprisingly well, claiming that they needed to try to see how far their momentum would take them, and apparently it could take them only as far as Reims. Ben was irritated by how many of the princes and dukes - who never set foot on a battlefield - lightly dismissed their losses, but he said nothing; those men were dead and he had to get those who remained to safety. It was decided that the moment they were able to march, they were to retreat to Reims and, maybe, plan another attack. That plan lasted for about a day, until news reached them of new forces landing in Normandy with Hux - too many for Ben’s and the council’s liking - as they also learned of Snoke’s travels in the north seas, where he tried to gain support form the nordic kingdoms in an attempt to isolate them on the continent. It confirmed Ben’s vision, something that would have been welcome only days before, but it wasn’t now, it only added to their worries. In response to that, Leia started to pull her connections, writing to her cousins in Spain, and again to Luke, who had yet to reply to her previous letters.

At the news of Hux’s forces in Normandy, everything seemed to pile up reaching a breaking point: Reims was too close to enemy territory, the loyalty of the people too questionable after years under English rule, their founds stretched too tight, and the decision was made to retreat back south, to the safety of their strongholds, to Bourges. Ben accepted the decision of the council without questioning it, understanding their worries. If Rey had been there, maybe they would have stayed in Reims, but she was still unconscious, her absence just another remainder of the disaster their attack on Paris had been. So Ben nodded and began to plan their retreat, secure that they would have to take the long road because DJ would have now betrayed them without too much thought. Strictly speaking, he hadn’t betrayed them yet, but Ben didn’t want to risk anything. The attack had left him empty, he felt constantly tired, and simply _living_ was becoming harder by the day; he wanted to avoid battle because he wasn’t in any condition to fight, mentally more than physically.

He retreated into his tent feeling tired and heavy as he always did since the day of the battle, his spirit plagued by regret, Rey’s absence painful and sharp.

When he head the familiar sound of _her_ entering his tent, Ben didn’t turn around. Had she really woken up? It had been almost five days…

‘Why did you do that?! Why did you call for retreat?’ she shouted ‘You never believed! Why didn’t you believe _in me?’_

It was her, awake, alive, and understandably angry at him. He was angry at himself too, so Ben stood still, taking her rage, accepting it. He deserved it, although no one had dared screaming at him like she was.

‘You never wanted to win, to take Paris! You’re only a liar! A liar! You promised you would support me! Give me an army! And then you retreated! Maybe they are right! Maybe you are working for Hux and Snoke! You’ve done it before! God showed me His will, for us to take Paris! And you _retreated_ , like a coward! Luke was right, maybe you are a monster! How could you let everything we’ve worked for slip away like that!?’

She was so angry, and hurt, and her words cut like broken glass, but Ben remained still. He probably should have left that lonely knight kill him.

‘You’re right, I am a coward. A monster. But the army was being slaughtered, we were losing. You saw the bodies pile up as I did, I couldn’t lose anyone else like that. We’ll try again’

’Then why are we going back to Bourges? Answer me! Look at me!’

She pushed him, her hands weak on his back. Ben sighted and slowly turned around, preparing for the disgust on Rey’s face, her disappointment at him. She was going to leave him, hate him, like everyone else in his life had. He should have seen it coming, instead he had tricked himself in believing she could love him for who he was. But no one ever would. Luke was right, he _was_ a monster, and he would always be alone.

When the silence stretched too long, Ben raised his eyes from the point of his feet, meeting Rey’s shocked gaze.

‘What happened? How…’

‘People try to kill me all of the time, it’s nothing new, just another scar. I’m ugly outside just like I am inside now, a true monster, just like _you said_ ’ he answered with more bite than he intended.

Rey was awake, but she was leaning next to his table, still pale and obviously weak.

Before she could answer, Finn barged in, clearly looking for her since she had probably stormed off against all recommendations.

‘Take her back to her tent, she needs to rest. We’ll begin our march towards Bourges tomorrow at noon’ he said turning their back on them.

Once they were out, Ben collapsed on his cot, sleeping for a handful of hours that were plagued by remorse and nightmares before he woke up in a cold sweat. He began to regret everything while he moved through the camp making preparation for their upcoming departure, even agreeing to meet Rey all those months ago. She had dragged him back to the hell that was the court and his family, giving hope to his broken heart that he could, somehow, be loved despite what he had done, only to leave him, cursing at him like everyone else always had. So he refused to see her.

In fact, Ben refused to see everyone unless it was strictly necessary for him to do so. He hadn’t talked to his knights, but he was beginning to toy with the idea of leaving once they reached Bourges, cross into the Holy Roman Empire and disappear into the Alps. Or throw himself down a cliff or something, he was really tired of constantly living in pain, rejected by everyone.

‘Ben’ Leia came into his tent before she left.

She would travel ahead of them, so she was probably there to say her goodbyes. He had tried to avoid her as well, seeing her leave was always painful for him.

‘Ben, look at me’ she repeated, forcing him to raise his eyes to her ‘Rey still loves you, you still love her. You are just both hurt, but you need each other now more than ever. She’s not well’

’She’ll recover soon’

‘Ben, she hasn’t left her tent since she rushed to you. Finn said she cried for hours after she saw your scar, after you didn’t go to her’

‘Yet she came to me only to tell me I’m a monster! Isn’t it funny? How everyone I love ends up thinking I am a monster sooner or later? I would say it’s a coincidence, but it has happened far too often. So it must be the truth, I am a monster’ the words were bitter on his tongue, and Leia winced.

‘Don’t do this to yourself’ she said, kissing his forehead. ‘I’ll see you in Bourges, remember that we love you’

After she left his tent, Leia departed with a small detachment of soldiers and the Royal Guard, heading towards Reims, then Chinon and Bourges. Almost ten hours later, Ben marched ahead with Poe and the rest of their army, leaving the dead and Paris far behind them. Only once Ben dared to look behind, to where Rey was riding next to Finn: she was wrapped in a light brown cloak, which partially hid her face and her defeated expression, the pale colour of her skin and the purple bags under her eyes. He was - obviously - worried, but she clearly hated him, she had never asked about him, she never came for him, so he left her alone.

When they stopped halfway on their way to Reims to water the horses and let the men rest, Poe spoke his mind.

‘Brother, you’re both idiots. She’s been staring at you since she saw you come out of your tent, and you’ve been looking at her at every occasion’

‘She called me a monster’

‘So I’ve heard, but you were both disappointed and angry, she didn’t mean it. She feels… Ben, you more than everyone should know how she feels. Her visions showed her victory, and we lost, she feels tricked, used. She’s disappointed in herself as much you are in yourself, and you’re both idiots for it, because you both did good. I don’t regret backing this attack, we had to try and yes, we lost, but we came so far. We can do it again, and next time we’ll win’

Ben considered Poe’s words carefully. He _did_ know how it felt, to be tricked by the visions, disappointed by what looked like a certain future that quickly turned into smoke. Once they were ready to march again, Ben dared to move his horse close to Rey’s. She was shaking lightly, riding requiring too much effort of her while she was still recovering.

‘Ben’ she said when she saw him so close after days, lips trembling, voice small and broken and eyes full of tears. ‘I’m so sorry, so sorry, I was angry, I never meant… I swear, I… I…’ she mumbled looking down at her shaking hands, on the verge of breaking down.

All of a sudden, Ben’s fears and bitterness disappeared. It was like he could feel her feelings as clearly as his own, and they were, in fact, partially similar to his, at least in that moment. Without caring about who would see them, Ben lifted her off her horse and on his, letting her sit sideways on the saddle so that she could rest against his chest, making the ride easier on her. Rey clung to him, tucking her head under his chin, and Ben held her close.

‘It’s okay, rest now. I’ve got you’

‘I should haven’t yelled at you, you did everything you could’ she was crying, her skin cold, but the grip of her hands on him was strong.

‘It’s okay’ Ben repeated, holding her closer to him. ‘I love you’

‘I love you, too’ she said looking up at him, allowing him to get lost in her hazel eyes, in the warm bond between them. ‘You’re not a monster, I was… the vision, I… I had one, weeks ago, of a future, of us together, we weren’t fighting for once and I thought that if taking Paris was not true, even that might not and… I just don’t know what to do with these feelings, they scare me. I feel _so much_ for you’

Ben looked around, and he saw that Finn had cleared the area around them. Carefully, he tilted his head until he could kiss the crown of the head, a hand carefully on her cheek, his thumb caressing her lips.

‘I’m sorry too. It’s okay, I understand, I was so wrapped up in my own disappointment I forgot you were in pain too’

Her eyes were fixed on him, with such an intensity that made Ben forget about everything and everyone for a moment.

‘You’re still beautiful to me’ she said with a tentative smile, her fingers tracing lightly the scar on his face. Ben shivered. ‘I was hurt…I _am_ angry… I should have been there with you, but I left you alone on the battlefield, _again_ , and you were hurt, _again_ , like at Beaugency’

‘It’s alright, we’re both here, it’s fine’ he repeated while she curled up against him, her familiar form in his arms relaxing him.

‘I love you’ she repeated again, before falling asleep, still exhausted by her injury.

Ben carefully moved his and her horse towards the others - Poe smiled contently whilst Finn made sure no one commented on how he was keeping Rey close - and then they resumed their march.

Ben rode between Poe and Finn, and Rey slept soundly in his arms until they reached Reims and he had to shake her awake, much to Poe’s amusement.

’Seems like she’s really comforted by your presence’

‘Shut up, Poe’ Ben answered without being able to control the blush on his cheeks.

Finn rolled his eyes, more amused than annoyed, and then made sure that no one was looking when Ben carried an half-awake Rey into his own chambers. They were to stay in the city only for two nights, long enough so that the men could regain their strength. Ben hoped that sleeping in a bed would help Rey heal, and he was also happy to be able to sleep next to her once again, to kiss her.

‘I’ve missed you’ she said when they had to stop kissing in order to look for air, and he answered with a another, more passionate, kiss.

Their journey back to Bourges continued in a similar way, with Rey riding on his horse with him, sharing a room and a bed when they stopped in Beaugency, Chinon, or his tent when they set up camp. Even if they all felt more collected, calm, after their defeat, the wound was still fresh: Rey still didn’t pray like she used to, she only attended the mass held daily by the army’s chaplain; Ben was still in no condition to fight or plan an attack, his darkness only partially kept at bay by Rey’s presence.

The sight of Bourges was welcomed by them both with a sigh of relief, for at least there, in the sunny safety of the south, they could truly rest for a while, regain their strength.

‘I don’t want you to repeat your accusations of me not believing in you’ Ben began to say while they looked over Bourges from afar, from one of the hill that looked over the city, momentarily left alone by the rest of the army ‘but I would like to marry you here, or anywhere, really, I just want to be with you… I don’t think I can wait until we can walk into Notre Dame’

‘I know you believe in me, I was just angry. And yes, I will, in fact, marry you here, or anywhere’ she answered with a smile, happiness lighting up her face.

Since they were alone and partially hidden, Ben naturally bowed down to leave a light kiss on her lips, only to be stopped by a voice he knew all too well.

’Stop!’ Luke yelled, yanking Rey away from him.

Ben was surprised by Luke sudden appearance, by the way he yanked Rey away from him, and without her, he lost his grip on the reins and fell from his horse, miraculously catching himself and pillowing the fall in a way so not to get hurt. When he looked up, Luke a had a tight grip on Rey’s arm. She was still on his horse, looking shocked at Luke.

Luke… Luke was looking down on Ben from his white stallion with the same look he had _that night_. And like that night, Ben had the irrational impulse to scream for his mother, to cry… and he was afraid, and alone, all over again. Like that night almost ten years before, Ben felt as scared and terrorised as his twenty-year old self had been, more lonely than ever, because his knights were not with him this time, they had mixed too well with Poe’s army. And Ben was alone, alone again.

Because Luke left with Rey, and she didn’t say anything to stop it.

Because Luke left with Rey, and he said to her: ‘I warned you, and you didn’t listen, and for what? A pair of pretty eyes?’

Because Luke left with Rey, and she had met him before and never told him.

Because it all felt like a lie, a sick kind of torture that his uncle and his family, and even Rey, kept subjecting him to. To give him hope when they needed him only to reject him when they had no use for him. He was nothing more than a mean to an end, barley needed and never wanted, a nuisance and a disappointment. Just like in the aftermath of their retreat, everything crashed down on him, on his shoulders, taking his breath away, but he was alone, and he was hurt and as always, no one cared. It was worse then when he was a child, screaming in fear because of nightmares in the darkness of his room, no one ever coming to comfort him. It was worse because it was the middle of the day, and the reality kept proving worse than his nightmares.

In the end, Ben always ended up alone. The darkness inside him pulsed wildly, and he didn’t even know how it happened, but he had his sword in his hand, the blade resting lightly on the thin skin on his neck, and he… Poe’s hands were on his shoulders, on his arms, taking his sword, helping him to stand up.

‘No, no, no, no! I made the mistake of leaving you alone once, and I’m not doing it again! No matter his reputation, I am _never_ trusting Luke again’ Poe said, cupping his face, forcing Ben to look at him ‘We love you Ben, you’re my brother, and Luke is _wrong_ ’.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘But you lost Paris. God wants you to lead, and maybe yes, I was wrong, maybe Ben was needed, but not anymore’
> 
> When Luke said that, Ben closed his eyes, trying not to shatter in front of everyone.

 

 

If it wasn’t for Poe beside him, the walk back to the castle of Bourges would have been one of shame. Luke was there, and the army had followed him, leaving Ben behind without a question, only Poe turning back for him.

Poe, whose hand on his shoulder grounded him to reality, allowed him to keep walking. Even though all Ben wanted to do was run away, as far as he could. He should have never woken up that night in Rome, he should have left Luke kill him, or the fire afterwards. It would have been a thousand times less painful than this.

‘Deep breaths, deep breaths’ Poe said next to him, forcing him out of his mind.

They walked into the castle together, but it looked as if no one was around until Finn found them wandering the halls of yet another castle Ben remembered all too well from his childhood.

‘Luke’s in the great hall giving some kind of sermon to they army. It’s good since he said that there’s still hope despite our defeat in Paris and all of that’ Finn said, but his expression was nothing but pleased ‘Leia doesn’t seem happy with him, she has that scary look in her eyes… and she’s been asking about you both. Rey… looks like she’s about to break down, Leia had to hold her hands otherwise everyone would have seen how hard she was shaking. She and Luke had a discussion before entering the hall, I didn’t hear much but they, hem, well…’ he didn’t finish, but he looked at Ben.

They had been discussing about him, he knew. Ben wanted to check on Rey, to see how she was, to ask for explanations, but he was so very tired.

‘I need to lay down’ he said, his voice foreign even to his own ears, cracked and small.

It was a blur: a moment he was in a corridor with Finn and Poe and the other he was laying on a bed, the heavy curtains leaving him in the darkness. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but suddenly the door squeaked open, and a figure he knew all too well slipped in.

No matter how much she had hurt him that day, when she slipped into bed with him, his arms moved around her, keeping her close, breathing her in. His hart still sped up when he felt her melt into his embrace.

‘I never knew my parents, I’ve told you how I had to stay and work for Plutt, the local priest. When I had the first vision… I knew Plutt wouldn’t help me, wouldn’t understand, and I needed to do something. So I wrote to your mother’ she began to whisper, her skin was cold under his fingers, and Ben kept silent ‘I knew she was a believer, but still, I was surprised when she answered me. She told me the kingdom needed hope, and that Luke was in Avignon, that she had told him about me. So I went to him. You know how it went then, probably, they asked questions, they interrogated me for weeks, observed my every movement to see if my visions were sent by God or the devil, and the majority of those who examined me thought it was God. Luke wasn’t entirely convinced, he said my visions reminded him of yours, he reluctantly tried to teach me but… then I began to see _you_ in my visions, and Luke didn’t even want to discuss the possibility of God needing you, us, together. He warned me not to be fooled, told me his version of what happened in Rome and I… I believed him, for a while’ she said, moving away a little, in shame, but Ben didn’t let her go far, keeping her close to him.

’The visions with us fighting side by side became a constant, and I could see you thinking about leaving the kingdom. That’s when Artoo, Luke’s old secretary, told me what really happened, how you tried and tried and Luke was the one who fell first to the dark, choosing for you. So I left Avignon after arguing with him and I came to find you. I trusted what God told me over Luke’s words, and I don’t regret it. I was right…’

She was trembling, and Ben cold tell how afraid she was that he would turn her away, leave her behind, like her parents had. Only, he would have never done it. He loved her too much.

‘You should have told me’ he said, and he wasn’t angry, disappointed, maybe.

‘I’m sorry’ she whispered leaving a kiss on his jaw. ‘Poe told me…’

‘I’m a mess’ he said interrupting her ‘Paris left… scars, in my mind, like Rome, and seeing Luke, seeing him taking you away, that was… _a lot_ ’

‘ _My_ mess’ Rey answered, possessive as always, hands fisting his shirt, her fire burning again, warming Ben as well ‘and that won’t ever happen again. I was as surprised as you were, I was afraid you would leave me… But I already told Luke, I will take you with or without the church’s blessing. God wanted us together, we love each other, and that’s all the blessing I need’

She kissed him then, hard, and in a moment she was straddling him, taking her shirt off leaving Ben breathless.

‘Rey, stop, stop… you’ll regret it if we… do it like this’ he said trying to force his mind to remain clear, his hands on her waist and nowhere near her naked, beautiful, breasts he so desperately wanted to take into his hands, in his mouth.

‘I don’t care anymore, they all lied to us! The visions, Luke, even God’

‘Don’t say that, don’t fall like I did, you know it’s not the right answer’ he repeated while she moaned in frustration as he put her shirt back on, eyes on her face.

‘I want you, I really do Ben’ she said in a whisper, her forehead against his.

‘I want you, too’ he answered, his breath heavy while he asked forgiveness to God, but he couldn’t see her like this and not give her what she wanted.

His hands slipped under her pants, and he swallowed her moans with his mouth on hers until she fell boneless on him. Before Ben could stop her, her hand was already in his pants, biting him lightly on his shoulder while he tried to keep it quiet. He came quickly, and Ben felt all the air leave his lungs when she licked her hand clean of him without ever braking eye contact. She was going to be the death of him, in _and_ out of the battlefield.

‘Fuck’ he muttered, eyes wide, and Rey chuckled before kissing him again, long and deeply.

‘I love you so much’ she said before they feel asleep, their lips probably bruised by how much they had kissed each other that night.

His sleep was peaceful, and even though Ben woke up mere centimetres apart from Rey’s face, the fact that Luke was in the same place he was made him tense and worried. Which said a lot given the sooting effect that Rey seemed to have on him.

‘I won’t let him hurt you again’ Rey mumbled still half asleep when he moved away to sit up, as if she could sense his feelings. Ben smiled and bowed down to leave a kiss on her stomach, where her shirt had ridden up during the night, making her giggle.

They were getting dressed slowly when, suddenly, Rey fell on her knees. She was having her first vision after weeks of silence and Ben could do nothing but hold her until when, breathing heavily, she came back to reality.

‘I saw frozen mud, you screaming, a cell, the flames, all similar to your own vision but… I also saw Paris, taken, even though we failed…’

She was clearly confused and conflicted, and Ben just held her kissing her forehead. When she spoke again, she was careful, avoiding his eyes.

‘I’m afraid of the fire, of the flames… they are not good. If… if this is all the time we get I want to make the most of it’ unshed tears made her eyes shine.

With a resolution he didn’t know he still had, Ben suddenly knew what he had to do.

‘Let’s go talk to Luke’ he said helping her stand her up.

 

* * *

 

‘You have visions again’

‘Just one’

‘Mh’ Luke’s eyes were careful on him.

The great hall was empty, it was only the six of them: Poe, Finn, Leia, Rey, Luke and himself.

Luke continued to say nothing, looking at Ben the same way he had when he had been fourteen and prone to tantrums. Irritation grew in Ben, and he couldn’t help himself.

‘You have no right’ he said.

‘What?’ Luke asked, rage ready to explode.

‘You may be the Pope, but you have _no right_ to sit on the throne of France’ Ben answered, trying to keep his expression neutral.

As a response, Luke moved as if to get more comfortable on the wooden throne that had once been Han’s (Leia’s really), and Anakin’s before that.

‘Is that right? If you hadn’t kill Han it would be him here instead of me’

‘Oh is this what you want to do, uncle? Because for all your teaching of turning the other cheek, forgiveness, and helping the other you fucking leaped to conclusion when you tried to murder me in my own bed, under your roof after you swore to protect me!’ Ben screamed.

‘You set fire to the Holy city founded by Peter!’

‘ _After_ you tried to murder me! How can you think that’s ignorable?!’

‘You were being controlled by devil!’

‘I wasn’t!’

‘ENOUGH’ Leia screamed, and everyone went silent. ‘We cannot change the past, but we can make right in the present. Luke made a mistake with you, Ben, a grave one, and he’s still too proud to say sorry. What matters now is your visions and Rey’s, whether we should try for Paris again’

‘We _will_ try for Paris again’ said Poe.

‘Yes you should’ Luke agreed, standing up from the throne and moving towards them.

Instinctively, Ben moved away from Luke, trembling slightly when they were suddenly too close. Everyone saw it.

‘Yet, as you have seen, despite Rey’s visions, this… new alliance, between Ben and Rey clearly doesn’t work, because Ben’s visions are _not_ heavenly sent’

Ben bit the inside of his cheeks to keep silent and looked away. Rey was far from him, she was on the other side, with Leia, her eyes moving between him and Luke.

‘What do you mean? It is working, we conquered a lot of territory’ Rey asked carefully.

‘But you lost Paris. God wants you to lead, and maybe yes, I was wrong, maybe Ben was needed, but not anymore’

When Luke said that, Ben closed his eyes, trying not to shatter in front of everyone.

‘There are other factors to consider, you crazy cabbage’ Ben spat the words out, hate and pain ‘It’s war, visions are nothing but a light sketch on a grey piece of parchment! War requires much more! We had the numbers but we didn’t have the support, and given how Paris’ walls are built, that’s kind of essential! Support that, by the way, we could have probably gotten if you just dared to look beyond your nose and answer Leia’s letters! You go around telling I’m the devil and all you really do is heat up English claims of heresy!’

‘Do not speak to me like that!’

‘You lost my respect a long time ago, I will speak to you how I damn want! What are you going to do? Excommunicate me? Nice way to give your sister a heart attack!’

‘You want to know what I will do?’ Luke asked, rage in his eyes.

Ben clenched his jaw, hands closed in tight fists on his sides. This was never going to end well, he had know even before asking to speak to Luke, but Ben had wanted to try, for Rey. He would have probably jumped into a storming sea if there was a chance of her being happy.

‘I will make known to the council that I don’t consider you fit to guide the army of the most christian kingdom until I re-evaluate your soul. And I will tell them that Rey should lead by herself the knights that she will be given to take La Charité’

Rey gasped and Ben’s eyes were on her immediately. Ben had been in many battles, but Rey had never been in a battle without him. It felt _wrong_ , impossibly so, not to fight together.

‘Is this what you want?’ Ben asked, almost in a whisper, while Rey looked at him trying to understand what he was going to do.

‘It is’ Luke said ‘too much control… I wouldn’t want you to get weird ideas about sitting in uncomfortable chairs’

‘Shut up Luke, the succession is not your business anymore’ Poe said almost growling. Finn shifted on his feet, as if ready to fight.

‘No, no… it’s okay’ Ben said finally moving ‘I will give up any claim to the throne, to power, on one condition’

‘Which is?’ Luke was interested now, and Leia seemed to understand what he was doing.

‘Your formal blessing, for me’

‘To do what, exactly?’

‘Marry Rey’

‘ _Never_ ’ Luke said.

Before anyone could stop her, Rey moved forward and pushed Luke so hard the old man fell on the ground on his back, surprised.

‘You think yourself so righteous! You have no right to judge us when you can barely admit your faults! I will marry him, and I will fight with him, and nothing you can say can stop me! I’ve had visions of him from _God_ and I _know_ him, I know Ben, and he’s a kind man with a good heart, I love him for this and so much more, and that’s all I need’

Luke, still on the floor, looked up at them, eyes moving between Ben and Rey and an expression Ben couldn’t decipher.

‘What do your visions have in common?’ he asked after a moment of silence.

‘The fire’ Ben answered, and something changed in Luke’s eyes, as if he was once again the kind man who used to comfort him when Ben was still little and fearful of the dark.

‘You have my blessing’ he said.

Rey smiled, ready to celebrate as well as Poe, Finn and Leia were, bright smiles on their faces.

‘Why?’ Ben asked. He knew all too well that everything had a price.

‘Because before Paris is taken, you will die. I’ve seen it. So it won’t matter anyway’

Ben stilled, and his first thought wasn’t even for himself. If he had to die, then so be it, but Rey… he couldn’t leave her alone. Was he to die protecting her? It was okay, as long as Rey survived.

Nonetheless, he didn’t want her to worry too much, but Ben couldn’t find anything to say that would minimise Luke’s words. It was too late. The damage was done.

Rey cried for hours, so did Leia and, to a degree, even Poe.

Ben looked at them without really knowing what do besides sitting quietly between Rey and his mother, so he just kept thanking Finn, who seemed to understand what they needed. Luke, in the meantime, just stayed in a corner, some guilt in his eyes.

The first to regain her senses was Leia.

‘We’ll do it now. Poe, get yourself some parchment and pen and ink. We’ll give Rey some land, a title, and they can be married now’

‘Leia…’ Luke began to say.

‘Shut up!’ Leia hissed, and her twin complied.

While Poe, Finn and Leia found parchment and began to draft the document, Ben went to Rey. He dried the tears on her cheeks with a handkerchief, kissing her puffy red eyes and moving a hand up and down her back.

‘Hey there. It should be only happy tears on your wedding day’ he tired a smile, but her eyes were filled with new tears, her lips trembling.

‘How can you be so calm? How can you accept it?’

‘Visions are wrong sometimes, and I’m about to merry you, apparently. Until death do us part, right? I already consider my self so, so lucky that I am allowed to do this. No matter how long we’ll be allowed to be’

‘I can’t… lose you, God, no, I…’

‘Let’s just think about the now, please’ Ben asked standing up, offering his hand to her.

Rey took it.

Not even time for her tears to dry that two of Luke’s priests and a nun entered the hall, followed by some dukes and princes. Ten minutes after that and Luke was giving a quick mass, he and Rey were given documents to sign, and then they exchanged their vows.

His voice cracked for the emotion when he promised himself to her, and Rey began to cry again - he did as well - when she made an addition to the traditional formula.

‘I vow to love you, and honour you, in this life, and in the next one’

‘Just now, just me and you. Husband and wife’ he whispered on her lips, when they could finally kiss, washing away the pain in her eyes.

After, they were allow to forget the world and all of their worries for two days, getting lost in each other’s bodies, in their love, memorising every scar, every story behind each of them. Ben prided himself in knowing that there wasn’t a part of Rey’s body that he hadn’t kissed, on which he hadn’t left his breath caress her skin when he repeated how much he loved her.

The dread was always there, that feeling of impeding doom, but they stubbornly ignored it.

‘You’re my husband, I’m your wife’ Rey repeated, for the millionth time, maybe. Ben never got tired of it.

‘I love you. Always, totally’ he answered her, some hours before they were due to go back to the life of the court instead of hiding in their room.

‘I don’t think I am with child’ she murmured, looking up at the celling while Ben was laying next to her on the bed. ‘I… God is not allowing it. Not now’

‘You saw it?’ Ben asked drawing patterns on her skin, he was incapable to not touch her now that he could.

‘No, I… it’s weird, but I sort of heard it during my prayers. I thought about it, and a voice said _“not now”_. I thought… I thought I would be saddened by it but it gave me hope, not now means that there will be a moment when it will be right, and you’ll be there. Maybe Luke is wrong’

Ben kissed her smile, and then her moans.

Five hours later they had to endure their public presentation to the court, and Ben kept his side of the bargain, renouncing his claim to the throne. Unlike what he had expected, not many seemed happy about that, and while they were pleased by his marriage with Rey, the court treated Luke rather coldly. It was, Ben knew, mostly because he hadn’t issue a single statement in their favour until he came to Bourges.

It didn’t matter.

Luke had convinced the council to try, slowly, for Paris again, and La Charité was were they would began.

They stayed for another two days, then they left to march on La Charité among soldier who, whispering, called him and Rey king and queen, afraid that Luke might hear them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter a little late, it was a bad week, but at least we have a wedding? Some happiness in the angst.
> 
> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘It was, but I am really glad to be here’ Rose answered with a smile that wasn’t fabricated, it was warm and real. ‘I have heard much about you and Lady Rey. Poe and Finn almost don’t talk about anything else’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated in a while but life has been... well, life, and my mental health hasn't been great either. Anyhow, updates will soon be regular again. Also we're approaching the end of the story so, enjoy!

It was cold, but not cold enough for the ground to freeze, for the snow to fall. So everyone’s feet were covered in cold, wet, mud.

It was just like in his vision, and Ben hated it.

He hated the way the city stubbornly refused the yield despite their siege and their attacks, leaving them outside its walls in the cold, in the mud, while a chill set so deep in his bones not even the fire in their tent seemed enough to warm him. Most importantly, Ben hated the way winter had suddenly arrived, the way Rey also never seemed to be warm enough, the way her spirit darkened with each passing day, when it became clearer and clearer that La Charité was to be another failure, albeit a smaller one than Paris.

‘Hello wife’ he greeted her that night when he finally entered their tent after hours of council with the captains. A tentative smile on his lips.

They were to retreat, and Ben didn’t know how to tell her. He had already written to Poe, who apparently was eager for them to go back to Bourges. It wasn’t a secret, the hate that Poe had begun to harbour for Luke, for the way the old man had decided to mingle on the issue of succession, on who was to rule during and after the war. Poe seemed as eager as Ben was to leave court, but someone _had_ to rule, and Luke forcing his hand had made sure that no one was happy about the decision, whilst they _could have been_ if they had reached an agreement between them, as they had planned, as brothers.

Rey smiled back, weakly. Wrapped in his spare cloak she was sitting cross legged on the carpeted floor in front of the stove. As always, she was a beautiful sight, enough to lift his heart and spirit despite his feet feeling like solid blocks of ice.

‘We’re going back to Bourges, I know’ she said before he could get his boots - covered in cold mud - off and walk to her.

‘How…?’

‘I had a vision. I just saw us marching back, nothing more’ she said shrugging her shoulders.

After taking off his boots and cleaning his feet as best as he could, Ben sat down next to her, an arm around her shoulders so that she could lean into him comfortably.

‘Hey, this is not Paris. It’s a stupid defeat because Luke planned it, and his plans are very bad. He’s not made for war, he knows little of strategy’ he said trying to comfort her.

She laughed a little and Ben smiled.

‘You’re not going to hold back in the next war council, are you?’

‘No, I gave him what he wanted and we’re married. I will tell him exactly what I think’

They stood in front of the fire in silence for a while, and Ben could feel not only the disappointment in Rey, but also her fear. There hadn’t been visions of the fire in a while, but it was always there, in the back other minds.

Like every night, they held on to each other, and at dawn they were already up and packing, ready to march back to Bourges.

Ben’s worry for Rey had only increased despite her reassurances, but as soon as they begun marching, she seemed to be actually better. That is, until a messenger from Bourges reached them, delivering the news that DJ had betrayed them, the treaty with Burgundy was broken, and with it they had lost at least more than fifty of their men.

‘The traitor!’ Rey exclaimed in anger. ‘Easy for him to move like this, never setting foot on a battlefield! I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more than I hate him’

‘I know but… ‘ Ben began to say, and Rey understood.

They were stalling in the middle of the muddy road, and the soldiers were beginning to look concerned. They had to pretend everything was fine, otherwise even more men would desert, and they really couldn’t afford to lose more men.

‘Let’s keep marching, the sooner we reach Bourges, the sooner our feet will be warm’ she exclaimed, and that seemed to spur the men to march as fast as they could.

Shortly after nightfall they were back in Bourges, and whilst the men sat down contently near the fires on solid ground and not mud, Ben and Rey, followed by the captains, walked into the castle.

In Ben’s mind, the great hall had always been linked with bittersweet memories of his childhood, but not anymore. All that he saw now was the place where he and Rey were married, despite the fear, the pain, the darkness and the uncertainty for the future.

Luke was waiting for them with Leia, Poe and Finn and… a woman Ben didn’t recognise.

Poe didn’t even let him speak before he rushed to hug him.

‘Thank God you’re back! I’m this close to punch Luke in the face’ he admitted, whispering, and Ben laughed.

‘It doesn’t seem appropriate to laugh when you just waisted a whole month on a fruitless siege’

‘It was fruitless because the plan of attack was terrible to begin with, _uncle_ ’ Ben shot back immediately.

Luke’s eyes narrowed, but before things could escalate, Leia moved forward with the girl Ben didn’t know.

‘Ben, this is princess Rose, daughter of the emperor of Vietnam. She has come with their envoy, to foster friendship between our countries’

Ben felt Rey’s discomfort at his side, although he didn’t understand the motive of it. He greeted the princess with a polite smile and proudly introduced Rey.

‘The travel through the Silk Road must have been very difficult’ he said, making small conversation when Rey remained silent. Vietnam was such a far away country, he wondered why the emperor had really sent one of his daughters all the way to France.

‘It was, but I am really glad to be here’ Rose answered with a smile that wasn’t fabricated, it was warm and real. ‘I have heard much about you and Lady Rey. Poe and Finn almost don’t talk about anything else’

Ben smiled at that, deciding that he definitely liked her. She looked kind, but there was a light in her eyes, a fierceness, that he respected. Plus, she had survived the Silk Road, she had to be strong, of body _and_ mind.

‘She has come to inform us that the Vietnamese Empire is once again free from the claws of the Celestial Empire, and that she has found God in her journey here’ Poe said looking at Ben carefully ‘She is here to foster friendship, and allegiance, between the West and the far East’.

Ben furrowed his brows, moving his eyes from Poe to Finn, and then back to Rose.

‘Yes, that is… we are very pleased. Given our situation we welcome… friendship’ Ben said carefully, not really understanding what was going on.

Was Poe really implying that he wanted to marry Rose? Was Leia forcing him to? Vietnam was too far away to send help, and Poe was too devoted to Finn to marry anyone else, or so Ben thought…

‘If you are done, we have war matters to discuss’ Luke said interrupting his train of thoughts.

‘Let’s hope this time we end up with a plan that actually _works_ ’ Rey spoke for the first time since they entered the castle, and the venom in her voice had even the captains shift uncomfortably on their feet. Not Luke, though. The old man looked pleased by her anger.

What followed was a three hours long debate between Ben and Luke, with Poe and Rey barging in from time to time. It was agreed that they had to be a bit bold, at Luke’s request, use the men they had before more deserted in order to gain a victory and raise the morale of the army. They were to try and approach Paris again, from the north this time, starting by attacking Compiègne.

Ben didn’t like it. They could easily reach the city, but if things went wrong, they were too close to enemy territory for his liking, too close to retreat safely. Despite his observation, he was outnumbered, and he had to force himself not to speak when both Poe and Rey agreed with Luke on Compiègne.

Rey was so eager for a victory, still certain that the next time she was to reach Paris she would take it, and Ben feared that it was clouding her judgment. He knew her so well, there was nothing he could do to stop her when her mind was set, so he would do what he did best: he would follow her, and plan as bast as he could to keep her safe, to give her what she wanted.

Nevertheless, the smile that had blossomed with their new strategy left her lips when he lingered back in the hall to talk to Poe instead of going with her to their room. Ben wanted to talk to her, but he also had to talk with Poe.

‘What’s going on?’ he asked when they were finally alone.

‘So’ Poe said, taking a large breath ‘Rose arrival was… unexpected, but the thing is, she is smart, kind, fierce. She is not like the other princesses, I wouldn’t have to worry about her betraying me for her family or something like that’

‘But… what about Finn?’ Ben asked confused.

‘Finn likes her as well, a lot, and she… she understands the situation. We talked to her about it and… we reached an agreement. Vietnam has been in a constant state of conflict for a while, her father sent her here because he had already sent all of her sisters to the courts of the other asian kingdoms, in order to avoid marriage in the Chinese imperial family, so she volunteered to come here. A missionary introduced her to Christianity and talked to her about France so she asked her father, and he said yes’

Poe took another breath, hands on his hips and looking at his shoes, waiting.

Ben didn’t know what to say, he had never been good with words… calligraphy, yes, but that was different. In the end, he did what he always ended up doing, and settled for the truth.

‘I just want you to be happy. As long as you are happy and no one is forcing you to do anything… I’m okay with it, you must know that’

Poe exhaled and smiled.

‘I am. I am happy, and so is Finn… and Rose, apparently. She really loves France, and she doesn’t let the court mock her around. I think we’ll be happy’

‘That’s all I care for’

After leaving Poe, Ben climbed up the stairs with his heart in his chest. He couldn’t help but worry about Rey’s shifting mood. Had she had another vision? Maybe Luke spoke to her, or Leia or…

Ben took a breath, and then another, and then he entered the room, finding Rey already in bed, her back against the headboard. Her hair was down, not in her usual buns. They were longer than when they met, now they reached past her shoulders.

‘So… what did you and Poe talked about?’ she asked, and she looked as if she was about to cry.

Ben crossed the room to reach for her, not caring about the fact that the sheets were white and he was still wearing the same clothes since that morning, full of dirt from marching all day.

‘Nothing just… he wants to marry Rose. He and Finn are okay with it, Rose as well, apparently’ he said sitting on the edge of the bed and taking her hand.

Rey laughed briefly, then wiped away some tears with the back of her hand.

‘What is it?’

‘Nothing it’s… it’s stupid. It’s just… she’s a princess and I thought… I thought they wanted you to… marry her’

‘I’m very happily married to you at the moment’ Ben replayed with a smiled, kissing her forehead and smiling.

‘I told you it was stupid I just… I get… worried, because I am no one and…’

‘You’re not no one, you’re Rey, the almost-saint, the warrior, and my wife. You’re not no one, and I love you’

Rey kissed him, this time, a smile back on her lips and warmth in her eyes, love, until she pushed him away with a little laugh.

‘Go wash yourself’

‘As my lady commands’ he answered steading up and bowing to her.

Nothing made Ben swell with pride as when he was capable, like in that moment, to make her laugh.

Before he could reach the basin with the water, someone knocked hard on the door before barging in.

‘What the hell!’ Rey exclaimed standing up.

She was about to say more, but Finn looked scared, he was almost trembling.

‘I… I don’t… a moment she was up, and… and then she, she…’

‘Finn, calm down, what happened?’ Rey had crossed the room in an instant, her hands on Finn’s shoulders.

Shoutings came from outside their room, and Ben could hear distinctly Poe shouting his name and…

’She was walking and talking and then she just _stopped_ , and she fell and…’

Ben was out of the room before Finn could finish, following Poe’s screams until he found him kneeling on the floor, Luke next to him.

Leia’s lifeless body in front of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite not having had a vision in a while, the memory of the flames was still fresh in his mind, hot behind his closed eyelids, and walking into the church in which he was meant to be buried would have shaken him too much; that feeling of impending doom never truly leaving his bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another long wait, but I had to move and I am now finally uploading from my new flat, where there are (finally) no more boxes. We're almost at the end of the story, just two more chapter and an epilogue left.

Somehow, Ben managed to get to Poe and, somehow, he managed not to cry.

He kept everything inside while Poe wept and wept on his shoulder until Finn and Rose escorted him to his room. He listened without crying to the doctor saying that it had been a sudden heart attack. He watched without crying while Luke cried and prayed and burned incense while nuns began to take care of his mother’s body for the funeral.

Night became day, and it was Rey who finally dragged him away, back to their room. Then he cried.

He cried silently while she helped him out of his dirty clothes, while she used a wet cloth to clean him from the dirt that still remained of his skin from marching back to the castle. And then she held him while he cried some more, regretting all he hadn’t had the chance to tell his mother, all the pain he had caused her.

‘It’s going to be okay. She loved you so much, Ben. And she was proud of you, since you came back she was so, so proud of you’ Rey kept whispering, her fingers drawing calming patterns on his scalp, her body a warm comfort around him, her heartbeat the most peaceful of melodies under his cheek.

There was so much regret, all the waisted time… Had he even said hello to her when they came back into the castle? When was the last time he had told her how much he loved her? Did she know how sorry he was, for all he had done?

‘My love, it’s okay, it will be okay’ Rey kept repeating.

‘There was still so much I needed to tell her and I _didn’t_ , I waisted so much time…’ he whispered into her skin, more tears running down his cheeks.

‘She knew Ben, she was your mother, she knew’

Coming from Rey, it was enough to reassure him, and he finally fell asleep. When he woke up hours later, the sun was high in the sky, and Rey was moving around the table near the window, arranging cutlery and napkins.

‘I’m not hungry’ Ben said, his voice surprisingly raw, scratching his throat with every word.

For a brief second, the expression on Rey’s face was one of worry, but she quickly smiled.

‘I won’t hear none of that. There’s stew with vegetables and cheese. _Very good_ stew. And I would like to eat it with you’

He wanted to say no, to turn around and just let the bed swallow him, but he couldn’t deny Rey anything. Reluctantly, he stood up, and even if every step was extremely difficult to take - his soul seemingly weighting like a piece of stone - it was all worth it to see Rey smile.

‘It will take time, but you’ll be okay, we’ll be okay. She’s in heaven now’ she said caressing his cheek, and Ben nodded.

Carefully, he took Rey’s hand and kissed her palm, then her wrist. She blushed furiously, but she looked content when he sat down and ate something.

‘One of the nuns came while you were sleeping, Poe is doing a bit better and he’s organising the funeral with Luke. He says to join him as soon as you can’ Rey said carefully.

Ben took a gulp of air and nodded. He had to go, he had to do one last thing right for Leia: give her the funeral a queen like her deserved, behave and mourn appropriately in front of the court, just like she always expected him to do. Then he would continue to do what he did best. He would plan and fight, he would help Poe, and especially Rey, in uniting the French kingdom once again, defeating Hux and Snoke.

He could do this.

‘Will you stand by me?’ he asked, insecurity permeating his words. He felt ready to shatter at a moment’s notice, as if he was suddenly made of glass, despite looking like a huge black figure to everyone.

Not to Rey, though. She saw everything, and her smile healed every crack in his soul.

‘Always’ she said reaching for his hand across the table, carefully intertwining their fingers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The funeral was as perfect as a funeral in wartime could be.

Luke held mass in the chapel of the castle, and then the procession followed the ornate cart lead by black horses on which Leia’s coffin was, heading to Bourge’s cathedral, where she would be buried until her body could be moved securely to Saint-Denis, so that she could rest with the kings and queens that preceded her. In part, Ben was relived that they couldn’t get to Saint-Denis safely for a funeral. Despite not having had a vision in a while, the memory of the flames was still fresh in his mind, _hot_ behind his closed eyelids, and walking into the church in which he was meant to be buried would have shaken him too much; that feeling of impending doom never truly leaving his bones.

Ben and Poe were the firsts, directly behind Luke, who kept moving the censer back and fort, creating a light cloud of incense with every step he took. He would have liked to have Rey by his side, but protocol demanded that she walked behind him and Poe with Rose, both of them covered by a black veil that hid their faces.

Then came the rest of the court, the nuns and the priests, while the people bowed to their queen one last time on the side of the road while they passed by. Finn was on horse, ahead of the cart, the rest of the royal guard behind them in their finest armour.

The walk to the cathedral was not a long one. Inside, they gathered around the open marble sarcophagus where Leia was to rest, the top decorated with a marble sculpture of Leia herself in her most regal clothes laying down, eyes closed, crown on her braided head and arms crossed on her chest, the sceptre and a rosary in her hands. The sculptor had done a fine job capturing her likeness; it was too well done for Ben not to suspect that his mother had instructed the artist to start on it months before, preparing for her old age as she had prepared for everything in life.

Her sarcophagus matched, in style, Han’s. He, too, was resting in Bourges, for not even for his funeral they were able to go to Saint-Denis. Ben had never visited his father’s tomb, like many things, he regretted it, he regretted not having done so with Leia, when he could have knelt in front of her and God and ask forgiveness for having believed Snoke’s poisonous words when he was in Marseilles. He had regretted it the moment he had done it, the moment his sword pierced his father’s chest. When Han fell - after caressing his cheek with his last breath, after forgiving him despite taking his life - he took a part of Ben’s soul with him. It had felt like - it _still_ felt like - the sword had pierced Ben’s own chest, splitting his soul to the bone.

Before he could spiral further, Rey was finally at his side, her hand in his. Her grip was firm, and Ben wished he could see her eyes: the black veiled that gave away only the shape of her face only fed that feeling of impending doom that had been following him since before Paris.

He didn’t listen to Luke, but he mouthed the latin prayers anyway, for Leia, Han, for Poe and Finn, and ever Rose, but most importantly for Rey.

He hoped, and hoped, and prayed, and not even that night, with Rey’s naked body pressed tightly against his, Ben was able to shake that feeling away. The end was near, and _somehow_ he knew, he was not to rest besides his parents in Bourges or Saint-Denis.

Maybe that was what the vision of the flames meant. Maybe that was to be his punishment, to be burned and consumed for good, by light and fire this time, for a good cause, not by darkness and fear like he had been all these years.

With eyes heavy with sleep, he prayed one last time. He could burn in the flames, he would accept that, as long as God spared Rey. As long as she lived, he would gladly give his life for hers.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When he woke up the next day, Ben wasted no time.

Poe was still shaken by Leia’s loss, everyone was. But despite what he felt, despite his fears, they had to keep going. He would finish what Leia started, the true legacy he was meant to follow. Not Vader’s.

The war needed to end, and he would see to it.

By noon, the war council was reunited in full in the great hall. Ben unrolled a map on the long table in front of everyone.

‘We’ll not attack like we did before. We’ll fight smart this time. We’ll divide our forces and attack on more than one front, they won’t expect it, and we might succeed’

The captains and lords nodded in agreement while he explained his plan, Rey and Poe eagerly agreeing to it, and not even Luke seemed inclined to disagree.

‘I’ll come to Compiègne with you’ Rey said, and Ben’s stomach dropped, his fears suddenly spiking.

He would keep her safe. Staying together was the smart move, but a part of him was screaming to keep her away from Compiègne.

‘Of course’ he said in the end.

When he raised his eyes, he saw Luke looking at him Rey with so much sadness that his heart began to pound in his chest, that feeling of impending doom stronger than ever inside of him. Yet, Rey seemed unaffected, with a smirk she was commenting on the various battalions with the captains, who were, as always, spellbound by her.

For a moment, the great hall and all the people in it disappeared, and Ben saw only the flames, burning hot on his skin.

He met Luke’s gaze once more.

‘I’m sorry’ his uncle murmured.

‘I’m sure you are’ Ben answered, his tone half bitter with anger and half full of sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly, while he was riding behind her, everything slowed down in front of Ben’s eyes. The sky opened up, patches of sun through the grey clouds and the black of the arrows flying down on them. The splashes of mud from the hoofs of the horses, the smell of petricor in the air, mixed with blood… he extracted his sword at the same time Rey did, and the moment seemed to stretch forever, those seconds before the fight began.

When they marched out of Bourges, Ben turned around one last time to look at the castle and the city in the distance, feeling as if he would never see it again. Whatever was to happen in Compiègn, it would determine his fate and Rey’s, he was sure of it.

Rey, on the other hand, looked more calm and secure of herself that he had ever seen her. She talked and joked with the captains, gave short speeches that raised the morale of the soldiers, and for the first time since their defeat in Paris, she began once again to follow what had been her old prayer routine.

He should have been happy, to rise with her before the sun, to be able to hold her in his arms and then look over her while she prayed, to kiss her lips afterwards but… it only added to the feeling of finality her felt inside, ever growing. He had come full circle, Ben knew that very well, although he didn’t know exactly what it meant for them in God’s plan.

The closer they moved to Compiègn the more anxious he became, until he was revising the battle plans daily, fearing of having missed something.

‘It’s a good plan, why are you so nervous?’ Rey asked him one night, the candle burning on his portable desk almost reduced to a stump, her hands warm on his shoulders.

Ben took a gulp of air, his heart still beating anxiously while he moved a hand through his hair.

‘I… I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about this’

‘What kind of feeling?’ she asked wrapping her arms around him, nuzzling against his neck.

He moved a hand to cover hers, and perhaps because he couldn’t look at her in the eyes, he told her the truth.

‘I feel like this is the end’

Rey froze behind him.

’The flames?’ she asked carefully.

‘I don’t know’

‘Just… come to bed, don’t think about it’ she pleaded, and Ben complied. He could never refuse her anything,

She spoke of hope while she held him in their bed, while he was inside her, and Ben could do nothing but believe her and pray.

‘We could run away, just the two of us, a small cottage… in front of the sea’ Rey murmured in the morning, her fingers tracing every inch of his face, as if she was trying to memorise everything about him as he had with her.

‘Yes, we should’ Ben said.

Yet, despite his words, when he thought of the sea, his mind provided him only with the image of the river, of the dark waters of the Seine flowing, flickers of red reflected on its surface.

When they began marching again, later that very morning, Ben tried to look calm, to smile at Rey, most of all. She seemed to know how difficult it was for him, to keep hoping for the best, but it was easier, it always was, when she was right by his side. So she kept her horse close to his, gifted him smiles Ben tried his hardest to commit to memory.

‘I love you’ he said, for the fifth time since they woke up.

Rey smiled and blushed as if it was the first.

 

* * *

 

It was terrible.

It was muddy.

It was overcast.

And Ben _hated_ it.

Compiègn was a fortified town on a small hill, surrounded by smaller - and in this case annoying - hills.

Hills that, in that moment, were muddy, while the cold wind picked up reminding everyone that no, winter was not done yet.

So Ben hated it. Because it was not the best of places to fight, moving in heavy armour down hills of mud was _never_ a good idea unless it was peacetime and the person in question was twelve and without a worry in the world.

They already sent and envoy ahead, and Ben really hoped they would surrender, even though their forces were not impressive. It was one of the cons of dividing the army in order to attack in more places, a risk they had been willing to take. A risk Ben regretted taking now, his eyes searching for Rey constantly, anxiously, the fear inside him ever growing, telling him something was coming… something bad.

The envoy came back within a day, the town refusing to surrender, and Ben began the siege while Rey smiled lightly at his side. She was hoping for a battle, he knew that.

‘We will win’ Rey said while they looked at the sun disappearing behind the hills with a symphony of orange and red colouring the sky.

‘I had a vision while you were revising your plans, _again_ ’ a true smile pulling her lips while she made fun of him in a way Ben loved ‘I’ve written to Luke about it. I’ve seen it so clearly, me and you fighting together, our army entering Paris victorious’

_But you have not seen us entering Paris_ Ben wanted to say, although he kept quiet, his gaze fixed on the horizon, on the growing darkness.

‘Ben’ Rey called, and he turned to her immediately.

She took his hand, a warm smile and hopeful eyes. He could almost see the way her heart was beating fast in excitement and happiness.

‘I’ve seen our future. I’ve seen our child’

Ben’s heart stopped for a moment, his mouth suddenly dry, hope rising in him because… could it be?

‘You have? Is it… are you… now?’

‘No, it’s not now’ she reassured him ‘It’s in the future and it was so… it was everything I’ve ever dreamed of. You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of Ben, I wish you could have seen it too, how happy we will be’

‘We will be’ he agreed just before his own hopes were smashed by the memory of Luke’s words.

_’Are you sure those visions are from God, kid? The Devil, the darkness, it’s powerful too, and it calls to us, it’s tempting, because it offers all we have ever wanted…’_

With Rey tucked into his side, they kept looking at the sunset.

‘It will be tricky if the sun doesn’t come out’ Ben murmured, trying not to sound too scared.

‘It will be okay’ Rey assured him.

Ben wasn’t convinced.

 

* * *

 

The sun never came out. The hills remained wet and muddy, and Ben clenched his jaw because of anxiety so much it began to hurt.

It was almost time, Poe and Finn would be attacking soon, and so they had to as well. The difference was that Poe was on a plain field, a pale sun making his battlefield optimal unlike the mud that surrounded Ben.

Rey was confident in their victory, but Ben had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling.

Their siege was strong, but something inside him told him that he had missed something, and that something would come back to hunt him soon enough.

‘Everything is ready’ one of his captains reported back to him, and Ben nodded.

‘Let’s begin then’

The men began to wear their armours, mount their horses, the troops began to move in formation, and Ben looked at the walls of Compiègn, his destiny written on its stones.

‘Time to suit up, husband’ Rey said, smiling, she kept smiling despite everything, despite…

Her hair was already in the three tight buns she wore to fight. She was ready, unlike him, and he really had to get it together because if he was this distracted on the battlefield than yes, something bad would really happen.

‘Yeah, let’s go’

Ben asked all the aids and captains to leave his tent, so that he and Rey could be alone. He helped her into her armour, and she helped him into his. The intimacy of the moment, the gentle touches of her hands, almost made him cry.

If only they could run away, he would take her and disappear, but they couldn’t. They would both feel too guilty to live happily if they did.

‘Whatever happens, we did our best’ Rey said ‘and I love you’

Ben kissed her until they were out of breath, their armours clashing loudly while they tired to get closer to each other.

‘I will find you, whatever happens, in this life and in the next. I will always find you, and I’ll be at your side when I do’ he promised on her lips.

‘I will hold you to that’

‘Please, do’

It was a moment, and then they had to step outside, mount their horses and overlook the troops getting into their final positions before riding to the front, where Rey gave a heartfelt speech that made the men shout in excitement.

When the moment came, when Ben raised his arm and the horn that pushed the avant-garde to attack cut the air, something inside of him shifted. That sense of impending doom, it was like all of a sudden it was set in stone, while a voice too similar too Snoke’s whispered in the back of his mind that he would not survive, that his hope was pure foolishness.

The avant-garde began to advance, slowly at first and then as fast as the mud would allow while the first arrows began to fly down from atop the walls. The gates began to open, and Ben began to lead with Rey the second wave of the attack, while the troops of Compiègn began to clash with the avant-garde. Only… those didn’t look like the troops from Compiègn, the white of their armour… they were captain Phasma’s troops.

She was supposed to be near Orleans, clashing with Poe and Finn, not right in front of him. This was what Ben had missed, because if Phasma was here there was only one answer as to why: Snoke wanted Rey, to kill the hope she represented for all of France. And hope was something that not even Snoke, with all his power, could erase. And he had been so stupid as to not see it coming, and now he would pay the price for it, they all would.

‘It’s Phasma! Get in formation!’ Ben shouted to the captains and the men while he rode as fast as he could behind Rey, who didn’t seem afraid of Phasma, of her highly trained troops.

Suddenly, while he was riding behind her, everything slowed down in front of Ben’s eyes. The sky opened up, patches of sun through the grey clouds and the black of the arrows flying down on them. The splashes of mud from the hoofs of the horses, the smell of petricor in the air, mixed with blood… he extracted his sword at the same time Rey did, and the moment seemed to stretch forever, those seconds before the fight began.

It was a second, then everything was erratic.

Arrows bounced against his armour, and he began to swing his sword and use his horse as much as he could before, inevitably, it was killed from under him. When it happened, Ben began a dance with Rey that they knew well: back to back they fought together, while Ben tried simultaneously to keep an eye on Rey and look for the shining silver of Phasma’s armour.

This time, it wasn’t like Paris. He didn’t see their defeat coming in piles of corpses against the walls, no… they were holding their position, but they weren’t moving, and soon enough Phasma’s plan became clear. They wanted to take Rey.

It spurred something inside him, and Ben fought as fiercely as he could, cutting down everyone who came near him, while Rey screamed to advance towards the open gates.

But Phasma was Hux’s most trusted captain for a reason, their intentions were clear and when the gates began to close, Ben felt as if he was on the edge of a cliff, every muscle in his body screaming for the effort, breathing hard. The only reassurance was Rey’s weight against his back, but she was tired as well.

If they closed the gates and they didn’t take the town, they wouldn’t have to time to raise the siege again, Phasma could ask for reinforcements, could leave, and they would be helpless to stop any of it.

‘Don’t stop!’ he and Rey screamed at each other at the same moment.

If they did, even to take a single breath, even despite the adrenaline, they would falter, and they couldn’t. They kept fighting, their swords cutting and drawing blood. They could do it, they could make it, Ben thought, that is, until Phasma charged against them, breaking them apart.

Ben fell on the ground, face in the mud to avoid Phasma’s horse, and before he could get up, from behind, a sword pierce between the plates of his armour, right into his shoulder, knocking the breath out of him while he grunted in pain, forced into the ground again. Impaled.

‘BEN! BEN!’ Rey screamed.

Ben tried to tell her not to, but there was blood in his mouth, and when Rey tried to reach for him, Phasma attacked her.

Rey moved, but it was too late. Phasma’s sword opened a wound on her tight. Not too deep, but painful enough to make Rey stumble and fall on her knees.

Ben tried to get up, again and again, despite the pain in his shoulder, to call for her despite the mud and blood in his mouth, but he couldn’t get up.

Something, or someone, hit him hard on his back, and Ben screamed, his vision blurring for a moment while Rey’s screams cut right through him.

He had to get up, he had to get to her, he had to, he had to go to her, Rey, _Rey, Rey, Rey…_

Phasma was faster, hitting Rey in the face while Ben screamed, putting shackles on her wrist before throwing her on a horse .

Was this how he was going to die? Failing Rey? Leaving her alone after all the promises he had made? No, he could not… no, this he would do _right_.

Ben forced himself up once again, ignoring the pain until the sword that had impaled his shoulder to the ground was set loose from the mud, and he could get up, stumble towards Rey and Phasma’s horse.

Rey was screaming his name, and something else, but Ben’s mind was slow, he felt how hot his blood was pouring out of his wound. He picked up his sword nonetheless, ready to charge at Phasma, who was still on the ground not far from him while Rey struggle to get free of her bindings and get down from the horse.

He didn’t even feel it. It was the look of pure horror on Rey’s face that made him understand that something bad had happened, the screamed she let out, as if someone had cut out her soul.

But it wasn’t her, it was him.

A sword, once again, through the plates of his armour, through his abdomen and all Ben could think about was _Rey_ and _no_.

It couldn’t end like this, God couldn’t let it end like this. How could He be so cruel, to let them be together, to fight, to give him hope of happiness, of redemption, only for Ben to fail again. But whose fault was it? He had tried his best, he really had. And it would have been okay… if God had wanted to punish him, to let him die in the mud, but not like this… with Rey screaming in shackles, being taken to Snoke and Hux, who would, without a doubt, hurt her.

Maybe it was a punishment, for their love, for having reached too far. But what was the point of the God that Luke, Leia and Han had presented to him, a benevolent God, if he punished them for their love? How could there even be a punishment for love?

Did it even matter?

Rey was all that mattered, and he couldn’t move. There was blood in his mouth and it was so hard to breath.

Rey was disappearing, screaming for him, darkness clouding his eyes while he fell on his knees.

_Just let her be safe, let her live_ , he prayed one last time _let me die for her, but let her go, punish me, not her_.

The last thing of the real world Ben saw was Rey disappearing, screaming, kicking and crying. Then he fell on the ground, and between the mud and the blood, the memory of her smiles burned hotter than the blood that poured out of him.

After that, there was only darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose entered Poe’s tent right after the messenger did, her feet fast despite the uncomfortably long dress.

Messengers were fast on roads that had been used since the times of the Romans, travel routes were well known. It was one of the first things Rose had noticed. Unlike Vietnam, the flat fields of France made travel relatively easy in most of the kingdom.

This time, she wished this particular messenger had took longer to arrive. Rose had not been at court long, she wasn’t yet accustomed to all the traditions of the west, but she knew that the black piece of fabric that the messenger had on his right arm was bad news.

Very bad news.

She was just beginning to feel at ease, happy, and now… now something bad was coming.

Since she had begun her long journey, Rose had expected nothing. The little money her father had left he had divided between her and Paige, so that they could travel far enough so that the Chinese princes could not find them, marry them, and claim Vietnam. But Paige had gone to Japan, leaving more money for Rose’s journey and even then, by time she reached France, she was already struggling with the money. She never expected to be invited at court, to be received so warmly, but Finn was kind, and also Poe… somehow she fell for both of them, different kinds of affection for each but affection nonetheless.

And it was okay, they were happy. Especially Poe, who was always worried. He had been so happy when Ben and Rey returned, but then Leia had died, and if it hadn’t been for the way Ben had pushed through, Poe would still be in his bed grieving.

It was understandable, her fear at the sight of that black piece of cloth, because Ben was a brother to Poe, a brother he had just found again. Poe had confessed to her and Finn how better he had felt since Ben came back, how he felt his family was finally back together, with the addition of Rey and her. Rose had blushed at that, but, _oh_ , had she been happy as well, to be considered family.

She wasn’t feeling like a stranger in a strange land anymore. Homesickness did not made her cry every night anymore, and she was even beginning to enjoy some of the food.

This is why she rushed through the military encampment behind the messenger, ignoring the men who bowed to her, those who cheered with wine for their recent victory. She thought she had known fear in the stories of war her father told her as a child, of the fight against the celestial empire, but nothing compared to the fear of losing Poe and Finn, to the feeling of helplessness while she was forced to stay behind while they risked their life; she envied Rey a little, because she could fight, but she also found solace in praying Luke.

Rose entered Poe’s tent right after the messenger did, her feet fast despite the uncomfortably long dress.

Poe was sitting down on a stool, the captains were still around him while Finn was behind him, removing his armour piece by piece.

‘News from Compiègn?’ Poe asked without raising his gaze from a map he had in his hands.

The captains were talking more or less loudly of their efforts during the battle, of how to treat the prisoners, of their next move, but they went quiet when the messenger didn’t reply (he was a young man, and he looked scared) and they noticed the black on his arm.

It was then that both Poe and Finn raised their eyes. Poe opened his mouth to speak but then stopped, his eyes frozen on the arm of the messenger, who toyed nervously with his fingers.

‘M-my king…’ he stammered, bowing a little, beginning to shake. ‘I… at Compiègn we…. the attack began on time but…’

The messenger was struggling, breathing hard, but no one dared to say a word, and Rose moved until she could put her hand on Poe’s shoulder, Finn’s hand on the other. They were both trying to give him as much comfort and strength as they could give.

Something bad had happened. That much was clear.

‘When… when the charge began… Phasma was there, we didn’t know, we thought… but we fought, an-and lady Rey and the prince led the charge, and they fought, but Phasma came out’ he was speaking faster now, looking down at his feet ‘we weren’t moving, but the prince and the lady were fighting together, as always, but they began to close the gates and we were stuck and… and then Phasma charged at them and divided them and… and captain Antilles saw… saw the prince fall, and… and they tried to reach for each other but… but Phasma wounded lady Rey, _captured_ her and… and… ‘

‘And WHAT?’ asked Poe jumping up, so tense he looked ready to snap in two.

‘The prince was wounded, in his shoulder, and when he stood up again to try and reach for the lady he was… he was… killed’

‘No. NO! NO! NO!’ shouted Poe. ‘It’s not possible! It’s not! IT’S NOT!’

The messenger, slowly, took a letter from the breast pocket of his jacket, holding it out to Poe.

‘The account of captain Antilles’

Poe took the letter in a heartbeat, tearing the seal furiously and reading fast. He began to cry almost immediately, and Finn didn’t lose time in dismissing everyone. Rose was by his side when he fell on his knees, crying hard.

When some moments later Finn forced him to stand so that he could remove the rest of his armour, they both tried to lifts his spirits, his hopes.

‘Maybe it wasn’t Ben. He would never leave Rey, you know it’

‘Just read it’ Poe answered showing the letter in Rose’s hands, his eyes red with tears, the sadness and heartbreak clearly written on his face.

Her eyes moved on the words quickly, and she spoke them aloud for Finn.

‘… I feel from my horse, and when I stood up’ captain Antilles wrote ‘I saw Phasma charging at the prince and the lady. The prince feel forward to avoid the horse, and a man stabbed him in his left shoulder, pining him to the ground. The lady was not far, but she was able to avoid attackers, until in her rush to get to the prince, she was wounded and imprisoned by Phasma’ Rose felt as if she was short of breath, but she continued ‘hearing the lady scream for him, the prince freed himself, but his wound made him slow. While he was trying to reach her… I saw the prince stabbed from behind, a sword piercing his chest. I will never forget the screams of the lady, it would have been merciful if God had let her die with him’

By the time she finished reading, she was crying as well, while Finn looked pale and petrified. Rose could scarcely comprehend such a tragedy, all the pain that was within her and around her. It had been obvious to her eyes immediately, how much in love Ben and Rey were, so much so that Poe’s description of their relationship paled in comparison to the adoration that Ben and Rey clearly had for each other. How could it be possible for their story to end so tragically? Why would God make them suffer so much?

It made her heart ache to just think about it… to see the love of her life being killed in front of her while she could do nothing, it felt like someone stabbed her heart, and it was just her imagination of the events, empathy, the pain Rey was feeling must have been terrible, unbearable, and she was alone, in a cell in enemy territory and…

Rey…

Rey!

They needed to help her!

Ben was gone, and Rose never had the chance to know him well, but she knew that he would want Rey to be safe. The only way not to let his death be in vain was to rescue her, to finish what he started and end the war that had teared France apart.

‘He’s gone, my brother is gone…’ Poe kept mumbling, his face in his hands, trembling.

‘Rey is still alive, we need to get to her. And the only way we can get to her is if we continue with the plan. This is what Ben would have wanted’ Rose said taking charge.

They could not fall into despair, they couldn’t.

‘Rose is right, c’mon Poe. We need to keep going. For Ben, for Leia, and for Rey. She is still alive, and Ben would want you to keep her safe, you know how much he loved her. We win, and we free Rey’ Finn said moving again, although he still looked as pale as she had ever seen him.

‘Yeah… okay’ Poe agreed with a shaky breath, eyes and face red with tears. ‘We keep going’.

Maybe they would win, but Rose knew that they would mourn this loss for years.

 

* * *

 

 

Someone was screaming.

Was it Poe?

Rey?

It was far away, far away… and then he was burning, and shaking… no, someone was shaking him and…

Ben woke up startled, his body screaming in pain, looking at the face of someone he hadn’t seen in more than a decade.

‘ _Ben Solo_ , long time no see’

Maz Kanata hand’t changed one bit since the last time Ben saw her. She was still small, her skin, wrinkled, looked almost orange under the light of the candles, and the thick glasses made her eyes look absurdly big.

He was in her small cabin, the one in the woods Han had taken him to after Poe’s parents died.

_’Don’t tell your mother’_ Han had said, and Ben had smiled, exited to meet this powerful witch that Luke and Leia didn’t trust because she believed in the _old Gods_.

Everything was still as he remembered, herbs left to dry dangling from the ceiling, objects that he had no idea what they even were and…

Wait, why was he… ?

‘REY!’ he screamed, trying to get up before Maz stopped him, painful memories pouring back into his mind.

‘Calm down, boy, breath, breath…’ Maz repeated while Ben fell back in the bed in excruciating pain. His shoulder and his abdomen felt as if they were on fire.

Didn’t he get stabbed? Didn’t he die? A sword into his abdomen like Han? It had felt like a fitting end for his miserable life, one he would have accepted if it wasn’t that Rey was _hurt_ and in _danger_ and he was somewhere in the woods outside of Paris.

How the hell did she even got him there?

‘Why am I not dead? Where is Rey? I have to go to her! Snoke will hurt her, no, I have to… I thought I was dead… how did I got here?’ he stammered, confused, angry, and scared.

Maz just smiled down at him.

‘We may not believe in the same Gods, boy. But you are not done yet’ she said, a spark in her eyes.

And then Ben was hit by a memory that wasn’t his: there was Leia, _so young_ , and a message - _Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only… -_ and then the young Leia was in front of him, giving her back to him until someone asked: _what did they sent us?_ , and an echo from the past, _the knights of Rogue One, what did they sent us?_

Leia turned, _so young_ , a spark in her eyes so bright it could burn kingdoms to the ground, a smile on her lips.

_Hope_ , she said.

A moment and it was gone. Maz’s face once again in front of Ben, and a look that told him that _somehow_ she knew exactly what he had seen. The old witch said nothing, she just moved aside, and Ben’s heart stopped.

Behind her, on the wall opposite to him there was something shiny, something he had seen before, in his dreams, in his visions… _Anakin’s sword_. The one that Luke had lost, the one that…

‘ _You’re not done yet_ ’ Maz repeated.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flames burned hot around them.

‘ I knew I will have to come and get you at Compiègn since the day you were born, boy’ Maz said.

‘It was… everything was always meant to be like this?’ Ben asked furrowing his brow.

’No, there are some fixed points, not too many. How we get to them is up to us, but they are still there. Like mountains, there are many roads to the top…’ she answered with a kind smile, passing to him the wooden bowl full of hot broth.

Propped up agains some pillows, he was not shaking as he had after waking up, after he had seen Anakin’s shining sword hanging just like any other ornament on Maz’s wall. Most importantly, Ben had calmed down after Maz reassured him that Rey was yes, in prison in Rouen, awaiting trial, but she was fine. How she knew, he didn’t know, but he knew she was right. She had also written to Luke and Poe, to tell them that he was okay and God only knew what else.

He still had no idea how she saved him, how she moved him out of the battlefield. But Ben knew better than to question Maz’s magic abilities.

‘So… I am not dead?’ Ben asked again, just to be sure.

‘No, you very much alive’

Ben moved a little on the bed, testing his body while trying not to burn himself spilling soup all over. He had to go to Rey, but everything hurt so much, he doubted he could make it more than a couple of steps away from the bed.

‘Eat, and rest. You will be better soon, and you’ll go and do what you have to do’ Maz said moving around the small cottage.

‘Why did you save me? Rey is the God-chosen, she should be the one…’

’No. You must fight together, we need you both. It’s not a matter of what seems right, it’s a matter of balance’

‘I don’t understand’ Ben admitted.

‘I know you don’t, but you will’ Maz answered turning her back to him, reaching for dried herbs next to her stove.

Ben took a gulp of the soup. It tasted like lavender and mint.

 

* * *

 

Ben had no idea how he survived, Maz never explained. The witch just moved around quickly, mumbling to herself about balance while making offerings to Gods Ben had never heard of. Sometimes she burned things deep into the forest, coming back in the middle of the night, sometimes she took rocks and herbs and left at dusk to return at dawn.

Ben had no idea, and besides some normal curiosity, he didn’t care much. He needed to get better soon, to go to Rouen and help Rey, and the only positive thing in the whole affair was that whatever Maz was feeding him, it was making him feel stronger by the day. So much so that after a little less than a month, he was already practicing his forms outside the cottage, Anakin’s sword light in his hands.

He could feel the burden of darkness that came with the sword, a darkness similar yet very different from his own, but it fit well in his hands. The craftsmanship so good the sword felt as if it was made of light wood instead of heavy metal. He could swing it without too much trouble, backing every attack with his own strength without getting tired too soon, and the blade was deadly sharp.

The day he knew he was ready to go, Maz surprised him before he could say anything to her. She was waiting for him outside with a horse (which he had never seen around before), a warm cloak and enough food to get him to Rouen.

‘It’s not about the good and evil your church taught you’ the old woman said as a farewell ‘it’s about balance, it has always been’

Ben left as confused as when he arrived weeks before, but as soon as Maz’s cottage became a point in the distance behind him, all his thoughts were for Rey. Even if Maz was right and they hadn’t tortured her, they certainly were not treating her kindly.

It took him four days to reach Rouen, he would have done it in two, but Ben had to enter the territory directly under Snoke’s control, and while there wasn’t much chance of him being recognised, he didn’t want to appear suspicious and get captured before he could reach Rey. When he passed by Saint-Denis, Ben wondered if he should write to Poe, to his knights… but to what use? It was easier if he was alone, so deep in enemy territory. Besides, for what he had gathered from Maz and whilst travelling, Poe was continuing with the plan, slowly advancing, small victory after small victory.

Despite the tragedy of the situation, there was a faint glimmer of hope inside him. Poe would win, he was sure of it. And maybe, just maybe, there was hope for him and Rey too.

He left the horse before he reached the gates of Rouen, and managed to walk into the city undisturbed when the gates were open at first light, falling into steps with the travelling merchants and their carts. Ben lingered in the square, in the shadows of the cathedral and listed carefully to the people chatting in the market, hoping to hear Rey’s name, to know where she was kept prisoner. But after hours, Ben was more frustrated than anything else, he moved towards the back of the church with his fists clenched tight, trying to control his rage and be rational, trying to understand where he could go to know where Rey was.

It was in that moment that two priests left the church, and Ben stilled near the wall, huddling in his cloak and trying to look like just another men seeking warmth in the cold January air.

He listed distractedly until Rey was named. She was in the keep of the castle, not in the dungeons (thankfully) and, by what the two priests were discussing, attended mostly by nuns.

‘She still eats very little’ one of them said, and something twisted painfully inside Ben.

‘Well, she still cries for that devilish patricidal prince, it makes her more guilty if you ask me. I bet she opened her legs just like any other common whore’

It took all of Ben’s willpower not to jump at the men and beat him senseless, but Rey needed him, and he left quietly, walking to the castle.

It was one of the few he had never been to (perhaps once, when he was very young) but it looked very similar to other royal residences, and Ben guessed the paths controlled by the guards right. Even though getting into the castle was simple enough, getting to Rey was another story altogether. He was forced to wait for the change of the guards at dusk, but finally he was able to reach the top of the tower where Rey was held.

Strategically, it was a disaster, he knew. The guards would stay at the top of the steps that led to the room, the only way out not considering the windows… but that would be a jump that would kill anyone. There was no way he could get Rey out, he was barely able to slip in himself, and to leave the tower with her, while only he was armed and dozes of soldiers were ready to come at the first sign of trouble… he couldn’t do it. The only chance he had to free her and get both of them to safety without any major wounds was to wait until she was taken out of the tower, for interrogations perhaps. In any case, Ben was content with what he had. Until the first light of dawn, unless they were discovered, he could be with her. It killed something inside him that she had to suffer believing him dead while he was able to heal knowing she was more or less well.

Ben walked up the steps as quietly as he could so to not attract the attention of the guards, and with the same caution he opened the wooden door with the key that was hanging from a nail in the wall. He stilled when the mechanism of the lock unlocked noisy, but a crow made noise outside the tower in that moment, and Ben was able to slip in.

The room was round, and small, with only two narrow windows. The smell wasn’t pleasant, the scarce furniture made it look more sad and desolate than it already was, but it didn’t matter to Ben. His attention was captured by the figure curled up into the bed.

He wondered for a moment if she had felt the same pain he felt now, back at the beginning, when she came back to save him in the dungeons of Chinon.

‘Rey’ Ben called for her softly, and she just hugged the ragged blanket to herself, a half hidden sob filling the air.

‘Rey’ he tried again, and the sob became more clear., louder

‘No, please, enough… I can do this anymore’

‘Rey, are you alright? Did they hurt you?’ he asked rushing to her, kneeling in front of the bed.

Rey looked at him through eyes full of tears.

‘Please… I can’t. It hurts _so much_ after, when I wake up and remember you… you…’ she cried then like he had never saw her cry before, she looked devastated and he wanted nothing but to make her feel better ’I miss you so much’

‘I am here, Rey, please…’

She shook her head while sobbing and Ben finally moved forward, his hand on her cheek dying away the tears, making her gasp while her eyes went wide.

After, it was blur.

‘You are here? Alive?! God listened to my prayers!’ he thought she said, and then she was in his arms, and Ben stopped thinking.

Nothing matter but the fact that they were together again, her warm weight on him, her familiar smell, her hands fisting his clothes so strongly…

They sat on the bed afterwards, still tangled in each other, incapable of letting go, and Ben talked of Maz, Rey of Hux and her incoming trial which would be held at Snoke’s earliest convenience. They interrupted each other often with kisses, and in what felt to Ben like minutes, it was almost dawn, almost time for him to go.

‘I don’t know when they will let me out, they never have so far’ Rey said when he explained to her his rough plan.

‘Then I’ll come back as much as I can until they do’

‘Don’t get caught, please’

‘I won’t’

‘Ben’ she called when he was at the door, ready to leave after forcing himself to stop kissing her ‘the flames, they are so close…’

‘I know’

 

* * *

 

If it wasn’t for the fact that after a couple of weeks he had mastered his way to the top of the tower, Ben would have gone crazy. He knew exactly how to get to her, where to hide if someone was coming, but still he couldn’t see a scenario where they could leave the stupid keep together and not die in the process. One in and two out was a very risky strategy. But it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter because he could spend most of his nights with Rey, bringing her fresh fruit and food from outside.

In the first days, they never slept, they talked mostly in bed, trying to recapture the security and domestic happiness of the period that had followed their wedding. Some nights they made love quietly, forgetting everything but one other. But it was only after a month of waiting for Hux to take Rey out of the tower that he convinced her to sleep some nights. Ben never slept with her, so that he could leave at the right time without being discovered, but he loved to watch her, to see a peaceful expression on her face… it calmed him like nothing could beside her smile.

Unlike him, she couldn’t sleep much during the day while being interrogated repeatedly by priests and cardinals and friars. So they waited, Ben on the outside, gathering intelligence that he sent to Poe, and Rey on the inside, answering question and trying to understand when Hux would take her out of the tower so that they could escape south.

It took almost two months, and March was just beginning when Rey saw him enter her room and told him she would be escorted out of the tower.

‘For what?’

‘My trial, followed by my execution. They won’t say it to me, but they all think me guilty of heresy, because I wore pants, most of all, apparently’ she scoffed ‘and Snoke arrives tonight, maybe you should…’

‘No, don’t even _think it_ ’ Ben stopped her ‘Whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll be with you, but first, I’ll try whatever I can to get us both out of here’

‘Okay, okay’ she said nervously, reaching for him ‘It’s just… I keep seeing the flames and I already lost you once and it was _unbearable_ I can’t…’

‘I promise’ Ben said pressing his forehead to hers, trying to giver her even just an inch of the hope she had always given him ‘I’ll be there, we’ll be together, whatever happens we’ll never be alone again’

 

* * *

 

The day was grey, and Ben, with his dark green cloak, mixed well enough with the crowd that had gathered at the gates of the castle to see Rey escorted to withstand trial in the cathedral.

His plan was to get her in the moment when she entered the church, before she was to be brought before Hux and Snoke. It was a very narrow window of time, but it was the only plan he could see working out: not enough guards to overpower them and enough people around them to make them disappear into the crowd.

It looked like a decent plan given their situation, that is, until Ben had a vision.

As a child, he had visions of darkness constantly, and now that he was an adult, their memory somehow was linked with Snoke in his head, to the way the old man had manipulated him after Rome, so that he could kill Han.

In the darkness, though, he had never seen Anakin.

The crowd around him became blurred, and a young Anakin that he recognised from the only portrait of him remaining (the one from his wedding day), appeared before him, asking him to trust him, to follow what he felt inside him and not his head and, especially, to not be afraid of the flames.

_’They won’t burn you like they burned me’_ Anakin said, and Ben couldn’t understand _Trust me, Ben, don’t be afraid of what’s inside you, what’s really inside you, not what you pretended was inside because of what they told you were meant to be’_

The vision disappeared like smoke, and Ben was once again surrounded by a crowd, the carriage in which Rey was with Hux passing by while people screamed.

Ben ran after it, and he tried really hard to concentrate on what he had to do, but Anakin’s sword was suddenly as heavy as his words where it was strapped to his side while he rushed to the cathedral.

There was something singing inside him, a voice that felt similar to the one Rey had described to him so many times, and before he knew it, his window of opportunity passed, and he was inside the cathedral, Rey looking scared but still defiant in front of the judges and Snoke.

Snoke’s questions, the way he treated Rey… in a way it solidified Anakin’s words inside him, and a force that wasn’t his pushed him to wait, and wait, and give Rey an encouraging nod when their eyes locked during the trial. He waited until she was taken outside, until she was strapped upon the unlit pyre when she refused to renounce her claims.

When Snoke grinned in satisfaction, with the sound of the Seine flowing in his ears, Ben knew it was time to act.

When he extracted it, the blade of Anakin’s was faintly glowing, a mix of red and blues, almost a reflection, that settle on purple after some seconds. Then it happened all in a moment: Ben moved forward before anyone could see him, killing Snoke with a single, fatal blow. Hux escaped behind his guards while Rey screamed in the distance for him, afraid of the fire that was beginning to lap at her feet. And as promised, Ben want to her.

The light of the fire against the black of the night, the scrams of fear and the love that bloomed inside him… suddenly Maz’s words made sense and he could see it, the balance.

He climbed the pyre, and when he reached Rey he held on to her while the sky became dark and lightening seemed to strike them, raising the flames so high they were walls of fire between them and the world.

‘Ben?’ Rey asked confused, afraid, but so brave, so ready and relieved to have him there with her.

‘Trust me, trust God’ he answered holding on to her, they foreheads pressed together while the flames burned hot around them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria) and [tumblr ](https://flaming-starlight.tumblr.com)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short epilogue.

General Hux watched with satisfaction the pile of ashes, all that was left of that pathetic prince and his whore. He had been useful in the end, with Snoke gone he could take complete control of their occupied territories in France. Maybe even of England itself if he played his cards well.

‘Send them away, will you? They are so annoying’ he said.

Phasma just nodded before signalling their troops. In a moment, the men and women that were still mourning the so-called maiden were forced away.

‘What should we do with it?’ Phasma asked looking at the ashes, her bright helmet reflecting the last sparks that were still kept alive by the wind.

‘I don’t care, throw it into the river, bones and all’ he said before leaving, while Phasma was already turning to the gravedigger to inform him that his services would not be required.

‘Do I get paid if I sweep away the dust?’ he asked anyway.

‘It’s ashes’ Phasma corrected him, but the man didn’t seem interested.

‘But do I get paid if I do it?’ he asked again.

Phasma sighted and gave him a small purse of coins, then she left with what remained of the garrison.

When the gravedigger was sure no one was around, he left as well, heading towards the nearest tavern.

From the river, a violent burst of air swept the small square where the execution had taken place. With the wind, the tall mountain of ashes left by the huge pyre of wood danced into the air creating a small fog, revealing two figures huddled together, a sword between them with its blade broken in two, that glowed of a bright purple in the night.

Before the gravedigger came back before dawn, in the square there was nothing but ashes, while two figures walked away together on the other side of the river.

 

* * *

 

Things had been hard for Poe, very hard.

In fact, it was a miracle that he hadn’t died of a heart attack with all that had happened. Yet here they all were, inside Notre Dame, Paris finally conquered and the last of the english troops fleeing to Britain by crossing the channel.

Finn was still on a high: he was recounting to Rose how he had managed to kill Phasma after their attack.

‘And Poe killed Hux!’ Finn shouted exited, and Poe wanted nothing but to join them, but he couldn’t help and look around the church he hadn’t see since he was a small child while Rose giggle with delight with Finn.

‘The glasswork is exquisite, wouldn’t you say?’

Poe stilled before turning carefully. Ben was there watching him, clothed in black, like always, but with happiness in his eyes. He hadn’t seen him in so long, since after Leia’s funeral, before everything seemed to go terribly wrong, and he wasn’t able not to cry while he hugged him, making sure he was really there.

‘Rey!’ Finn shouted from behind him, followed by fast footsteps made heavy by his battle armour, and Rey’s laugh.

‘We won’ Poe said, overwhelmed and now truly happy.

Ben smiled a bit.

‘Yes, you did’

‘What? No, we couldn’t have done it without you two spreading fear behind the lines… you’ve got the english so scared of ghosts!’

‘We never said we were ghosts’ Rey exclaimed before laughing again with Rose and Finn.

Poe looked at Ben again, at the way his gaze kept wondering back to Rey, the bruises they both still showed from recent fights… but they looked _happy_ , and that was all that mattered to him. Reuniting the kingdom would have meant nothing if they had lost them, both Ben and Rey.

‘Will you come back?’ he asked, even if he already knew the answer.

‘No, let them believe we are dead, let us live in peace, after everything we’ve been through in our lives… ‘ Ben noticed, of course, the sadness that slipped into his eyes, and quickly added ‘but we’ll come and visit, and you can come and visit us, when you’re all tired of court’

‘We will’

‘Good, we’ll be there if you needs us’

‘I know’

They both smiled, and then they moved together towards Finn, Rose and Rey, and they laughed and smiled with them while the light of the sun created masterpiece of colours through the stained glasses. The bells rang across the city from every church, and the people cheered in the street the end of occupation and the war.

They won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to everyone who read/left kudos/comments!


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